Many of you that have been reading my blogs know that one of the biggest things I have learned through being on the race is that I have a voice. For many years growing up through racism and fears of rejection I felt like my voice was stolen and taken away from me. One of the biggest things I had to learn was that was a lie. My Father made me with a voice that brings Him joy when I use it. So as I have learned that I have used it more and more and seen fruit from it. However, with every new lesson you do not completely get it right over night.
Over the last month and half or so I have been told that when we are groups and discussing things it seems like I am in a rush to be the first one to talk. And by rushing to talk it comes off as maybe I am not listening but waiting for my chance to speak. Immediately it is hard to hear. Never in my life have I been told I talk too much, except maybe as a kid when I asked too many questions. It was very hard to process. It felt like the very thing I was trying to grow in was getting stifled again. At the same time the enemy was telling me the same thing and twisting in a negative way. It made me feel like maybe I should not talk at all. Inside I knew that was a lie but I was still having trouble figuring it all out.
One thing that made it start to click was the words of a squadmate Carter Gannon. He said the opposite of bad is not always good, the good is Jesus. In a lot of ways that is exactly how I was approaching it. I figured by talking more I was doing the opposite of the bad of my past. I was living to not be something instead of just being. Talking with more of the guys I begin to realize it had nothing to do with quantity or quality in speaking. It actually came down to timing. It was trusting in the Father to guide when it was my time to speak. One more thing I freely give up, otherwise it is about me.
I am in the process of learning that what I have to say may be exactly what someone needs to hear, but from someone else. Many times God is going to put the same word on multiple people and it may not be my time to speak. Also by speaking too much the words I speak may not be heard at all. One of my squadmates EJ does not speak much but when he does everyone listens. I believe it is because he waits and listens and speaks when what he has to say will be heard the best. He is letting the Father decide when to speak. Something I am learning.
I feel so blessed that I am surrounded by people that are willing to call things out of me. As I grow closer to the Father and He gives me gifts I want to use them the way that bears fruit. And my brothers and sisters letting me know that I had begun to speak too much may seem harsh, but was exacting what I needed to hear. One day I want to be counselor. I feel like that is in the Father’s plans for me. I do not believe that anyone wants to come hear from counselor that does not give them a chance to speak. Clearly I still have a lot to learn. Praise Jesus I am surrounded by people that care enough to call me into greatest.
