I want to share with you something very personal. Very real. Very raw. This is a look into how I began to process these past few months and what God wanted to speak to me in the middle of it all.
During our month 8 debrief our squad leader, Erika, made space and opportunity for us to process where we were and where we wanted to go by way of writing out psalms (yes, lots of “W’s”). The first was simply a psalm of our current state. Where we stood. What we felt, thought, and were experiencing at this current stage in our World Race. I wasn’t ready for what He was about to show me.
I began to take an honest, unfiltered look at what I was going through. I felt empty, but I didn’t know why.
Psalm 1:A Psalm in the Empty:
Lord, my God.
I am here reaching.
Why am I seemingly blinded to Your presence?
Unsatisfied, Empty.
I remember how it used to be,
Whole, Known; Wholly known.
I feel, but I can’t fully express how,
I feel.
I don’t know how to express.
Words fail.
Lord, I doubt You, I don’t love You.
I don’t want to doubt, I want to love
Why do I think, feel, live as if I don’t need You?
How can I sing “I need You, You are my life”
When I don’t/am not loving You?
I love me,
myself,
my wants,
my desires.
I don’t want to love me like this.
I desire to desire You,
and show You.
I can’t sing empty, unacted upon words anymore.
Lord, my God,
Please answer the unprayed, inaudible cries of the Spirit’s groanings over me.
The groanings I don’t know how to express.
The groanings I fail to groan.
Lord, my God,
I am here reaching.
I can’t stop reaching.
You won’t let me stop reaching.
Erika would not let us stop there, and neither would He! So the second psalm was a look at where we wanted to go.
Psalm 2: A Psalm in the Full:
My Love,
My Desire,
My Everything.
Your whispers are a delight,
A refreshing flow that satisfies my soul.
No more emptiness, only praise!
Praise, because Your presence is my Strength.
Your words are my motivation.
My words to You are pure and full of life and true
There is purpose and freedom and joy in Your embrace.
In knowledge of the Almighty.
Running, unafraid, unhindered,
Known and loved; Known that I am loved.
Accepting of that love.
Letting it change me.
Embracing the fullness of Your love.
Letting You change me.
Why was I holding so tight?
What was I so afraid of anyways?
I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto from the first few months of my race. How many fears began to develop, how many lies I let creep in and take control. To the point of a seeming inability to move, and then to doubt the love of God. Then came the emptiness, because a life lived without the realization of the love of God is exactly that: Empty! But despite all of this, He continued to beckon and draw me out into the unknown.
So what is this unknown. It is letting go of the appearance of strength, of having it all together. It is acknowledging the goodness of what is around me in the midst of difficult times. It is holding fast to the truth and promises of God rather than the fleeting feelings of this ever changing heart of mine.
Thanks for reading and joining with me on this journey.
