Wow…what a crazy journey I have been on! These past nine months have been filled with so many different God moments. I was telling my mom the other day how grateful I am that God led me to the race. After high school I had all these options, and the world race was just one of them. But these past couple of months the Lord has empowered me to become someone who walks in authority for His kingdom.
Before the race I only had a slight glimpse of who I could truly be in the eyes of the Father. I was so consumed with my selfish desires of being wanted by this world. I found my identity in what others thought of me. I let the approval of others become my idol. I was willing to compromise my identity to be seen and to achieve some kind of pitiful, temporary love. I had this deep lie buried within myself, telling me that attention was love and love was attention–that love could only be earned by those around me. I became numb to what love really was and settled for something that was scraping the bottom of the barrel. And the scary part is that I had no idea I was in this situation. My flesh cried out to be wanted and noticed by others. When I didn’t get this feeling, I got jealous of those who did and sat within my disappointment while I compared myself to others. I found myself saying, “Only if I had this, people would like me. Only if I talked more like them, only if I was funnier, only if I looked stronger, and only if I sang better.” This lie that my identity “wasn’t enough” dug so deeply into my flesh that I hardly knew it was there anymore. It became the way I thought about myself and everyone else around me. But even within all this baggage and addiction of attention, God still pursued me and called me His beloved. The crazy thing is that Jesus doesn’t depend on my mindset or emotions in order to pursue me. His love is constant in every season of my life, and there’s no possible way I can earn it. He simply lavishes His love on me every day of my life.
I had the mindset that love was attention from the beginning of middle school, but no longer does it have power over me. I now have this testimony that Jesus can break off any chain and bring freedom. No longer is my identity based on the approval of others. Comparison and jealousy have no right in my life.
On the race I have been surrounded by a life-giving community who loves me the way the Father does. I have squad mates who have been through addiction, depression, anxiety, hatred, and been sexually assaulted, but God has redeemed all of those things in their lives. Tell me about another God who can redeem something so horrible and turn it into a testament of who He is in all His glory…I’m waiting…that’s right; there is none!
Every other religion tells you that only if you do this, then you will have the favor of God. Only if you pray this way, only if you have this certain thing, then maybe God will give you eternal life. The world looks at the Bible and sees a list of rules they have to follow. But it’s the complete opposite! God’s way is FREEDOM LIKE NO OTHER! It’s knowing a God who is so in love with you and will never fail you. My squad mates, including me, are now sharing our testimonies and giving glory to the Lord. Nothing is to big or to small for God to redeem!
