The earliest recollection I’ve ever had of God speaking to me was when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I can take you right to the spot where it took place. I was sitting in the center pews at my lifelong church, Lawrenceville Church of God. I was in the 3rd or 4th row listening to my pastor at the time John Colbaugh Sr. Then, all of the sudden, all sounds became muffled. All I heard was the still small voice of God whisper to me, “You will pastor this church one day.”
I was amazed! This was the first time I heard God speaking to me, and that’s what He decided to tell me. What!? Way to ease me into this thing God. What did this mean? I didn’t know what to think exactly. I was 5 or 6 years old. What do you do in that situation as a 5 or 6 year old?
I never told anyone what God said to me that day until a few months ago. I didn’t tell anyone for a number of reasons. First off, I wasn’t looking to challenge anyone’s position in the church growing up. Growing up I had also always been told I was going to be a pastor. It seemed like person after person continued to speak this over my life. People I knew would say it. Seemingly random people would say it. To be quite honest I got tired of it. I didn’t want to be a pastor.
There were a number of reasons why I didn’t want to submit to that calling. For starters, I idolized sports in my life. My youth pastor in middle school, Ryan Joiner, once said, semi-jokingly, “Josh you live to play sports and play sports to live.” At the time I wasn’t mature enough to realize how big of an issue this actually was. But, it was true, and that was a problem. However, God eventually took sports from me (that’s another amazing story for another time).
Another reason I didn’t want to submit to that calling is because I idolized success. I idolized money. I knew pastors didn’t make a lot of money. My faith was so weak that I couldn’t grasp that God would always take care of me. Thoughts ran through my mind questioning how I would be able to take care of my family. Then, earlier this year God revealed Matthew 6:25-34 to me in a whole new way. I’ve heard that scripture countless times, but I finally got it. You can read my blog, “Stop Toiling, Follow Your Calling,” to read more about that revelation. I finally realized that the pagans spend their whole lives running after these things, but if I just submit to seeking his Kingdom and righteousness first, God will give me all that I need. If you don’t already fully understand that passage of scripture in your spirit, I encourage you to seek the Lord on that one. It is so freeing to finally understand this concept.
“For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:32-33
The third and probably most prominent reason for not submitting to my calling was fear. I felt and still feel completely clueless on how to be a pastor. How do you do that? The fear of not knowing what I am doing was crippling me from experiencing the freedom and peace of knowing my calling. When I finally decided to submit to it, that’s exactly what I felt…freedom and peace.
“When I finally decided to submit to it, that’s exactly what I felt…freedom and peace.”
There’s been this weird dichotomy of emotions or thoughts that have run through my head over the past couple of years when I would think about my calling. On one hand, I didn’t want to do it for any of the reasons listed above. At the same time, when I took a step back and asked myself what I would be satisfied in doing for the rest of my life, the only thing I could ever think of was pastoring.
Then as I got closer to accepting it I would begin to question whether or not it was really God. I would pray prayers asking God to send confirmation, and He would. I remember a spiritual godmother in my life, Pat Davidson, once saying to me that I would be the next pastor of Lawrenceville Church of God. As she said it, I wanted to scream, “STOP,” because I was afraid of it. But she was actually confirming what God had said to the little boy sitting on the 3rd or 4th row at the age of 5 or 6. Again, up until that point I hadn’t told anybody what God said to me that day.
Many other confirmations were given as well. Even so, I didn’t want to accept this calling on my life. Then I felt convicted, and I would ask myself, “How many more signs do I need?” How many will it take to finally submit to it? What more does God have to do? I’ve considered my life to be like that of Jonah’s. I’ve found myself in the belly of a whale a few times in my life all because I wouldn’t go where God was telling me. Those times weren’t fun. Still, how many signs would it take?
Then as I lay on the couch one night last month in Zambia God began speaking to me about my calling. Simply put He was still calling me to be a pastor. Again, I asked Him to send confirmation. I didn’t tell anyone what I thought I was hearing because I wanted it to be an authentic confirmation from God. I told my friend, brother, and Squad Leader, Logan Kafer, what I was experiencing and asked him to pray for confirmation as well.
When we arrived here in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, the guys went out with our contact for dinner. She asked us what we thought our calling on our life was. I shared with her that I didn’t want to share because I was waiting on confirmation from the Lord. Without hesitating she said she sensed a pastoral anointing over my life. I’d like to say there was a resounding joy and peace that overwhelmed me in that moment, but that wasn’t the case. However, I knew it was the confirmation I was looking for. Once again, the Lord provided confirmation. But was I going to accept it this time?
The answer to that question is…YES! No matter the excuses or reasons in the past, I’m not running from my calling any longer. I may not know how to do this thing, but I’m not running anymore. I may not see how this will all play out, but I’m not running anymore. I may not completely understand why God has chosen me for this, but I’m not running anymore.
This is my personal and public proclamation regarding my calling…”I AM NOT RUNNING ANYMORE!” Some way some how, I’m going to be a pastor folks.
