Do you ever look back to a time in your life where you feel like you were more in love with God than you are now? I hate to admit this, but I have been in this spot for sometime now… My desire to be madly in love with God hasn’t changed, but if I’m honest with myself, there was a time in my life where that overflowing love for God was my life, not just a desire..
I had found the hidden treasure that was worth selling all that I owned for! Nothing could snuff out my flame, or so I thought… slowly and subtly my focus began to shift, and my eyes began to look to other things, or like Hosea puts it, I began to “Chase after other lovers”, 2:7 or “turn to other gods.” 3:1. I couldn’t see it, the only thing I knew was that for some reason my fire was beginning to smolder into ashes.
I hated it! I’d continue to do what I knew to do, and live how a Christian ought to, but as my fire went out, my joy melted away as well… More and more I began to be more concerned with life’s worries, riches and pleasures in life, and I was maturing less and less in Christ. (Luke 8:14) I was still going through the motions, no doubt, and still talking as though Christ was my all, because that really was my desire.. But behind the words there was still an emptiness that I couldn’t seem to shake… Again, I knew something wasn’t right, but I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
I would still read and do devotions, but I would leave them feeling dry. Throughout the days God would still show me things, and teach me things, but it just wasn’t the same.. Like the intimacy wasn’t there.
Josh and I were doing well, we desired to have a marriage centered on Christ, and we learned that communication is key. So even in the midst of my desert,
God in His Sovereignty was still blessing our marriage. We had chosen to be obedient to certain principals, and with that obedience follows blessings. But even non-believers can follow these basic principals and be blessed by them.
Once we got married and settled in we realized that we had both gotten a little too comfortable/apathetic and a lot off focus. The business of school, work, and planning for a wedding the months prior certainly hadn’t helped us with our focus.. But nonetheless we knew that God desired more from us than we were giving Him. And we both knew in our hearts that if we didn’t change something we’d be settling..
God in His goodness then lead us to the World Race and for the last 7 months we have been on one wild ride! Sadly~ even in the midst of this race I’ve still felt the distance. I’ve definitely had my good days, and God has been teaching us things all along the way but I just didn’t have the joy…
This month God gave me a revelation, and it dawned on me.. It’s month 7, and while I can admit that God has grown my character (patience, and loving others, etc)~ If I’m honest with myself, I don’t feel that much closer to God than I did when I left for this trip. If it’s not about intimacy with God, then what’s the point?! So that was the beginning of God lovingly and tenderly showing me that my focus was off.
This month God gave me a revelation, and it dawned on me.. It’s month 7, and while I can admit that God has grown my character (patience, and loving others, etc)~ If I’m honest with myself, I don’t feel that much closer to God than I did when I left for this trip. If it’s not about intimacy with God, then what’s the point?! So that was the beginning of God lovingly and tenderly showing me that my focus was off.
Josh and I are reading this book called, “Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire”,
and we have been learning more about the power of prayer. One thing that really stuck in my mind from this book is that
If we call upon the Lord He has promised in His Word to answer, to bring the unsaved to Himself, to pour out His Spirit among us. If we don’t call upon the Lord He has promised nothing– nothing at all!
So in my misery I began to call on Him more and more.
So in my misery I began to call on Him more and more.
Then I randomly decided to read through Hosea, and I was so convicted as I read.. Verses like, “She went after her lovers, but me she forgot..” (2:13) Or, ” my people exchanged My Glory for something disgraceful.” (4:7) and, ” when I fed them, they were satisfied: when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me.” (13:6) Like these people I was eating, but not having enough. (4:10)
Wow, was I convicted. I had been so blind by my own sin! So many times I felt as though God wasn’t coming through but as I read these chapters it was as though I heard Him say, “Briana, I am ALWAYS faithful…You are the one that has turned your eyes from me. I am here.. Return to me.
Man, did God take off my blindfold. The heart is deceitful above all things (Jer.17:9), and I had been completely deceiving myself! In subtle yet deadly ways~ I had been making other idols, chasing after other “lovers”. Myself, Josh, even the idea of “looking” like a good Christian.. Sometimes I think one of my biggest idols is the “idea” of being madly in love with God.. I would trick myself by my words, and I would worship Him with my lips, but my heart was far from Him.
I know I might sound like I’m being too hard on myself, because I HAVE BEEN seeking God, and It’s not like I was totally running away from Him. But I miss the time when I was so MADLY IN LOVE with God, and while I still want that, I’m not there anymore.. I’m in the process, but somewhere along the way my eyes began to turn away, and I started to trade in His commands with traditions of men. Legalisms or “works mentality” and I lost that overflowing Joy and Love that you have when you are just so crazy about Him that you cant shut yourself up! I had gone from seeking Him WHOLEHEARTEDLY, to seeking Him halfheartedly. Living a life of Christianity without Christ truly being your Joy, your Peace, your Love.. Your Everything.. Is just plain miserable.. And that’s where I was at!
I know I might sound like I’m being too hard on myself, because I HAVE BEEN seeking God, and It’s not like I was totally running away from Him. But I miss the time when I was so MADLY IN LOVE with God, and while I still want that, I’m not there anymore.. I’m in the process, but somewhere along the way my eyes began to turn away, and I started to trade in His commands with traditions of men. Legalisms or “works mentality” and I lost that overflowing Joy and Love that you have when you are just so crazy about Him that you cant shut yourself up! I had gone from seeking Him WHOLEHEARTEDLY, to seeking Him halfheartedly. Living a life of Christianity without Christ truly being your Joy, your Peace, your Love.. Your Everything.. Is just plain miserable.. And that’s where I was at!
When God revealed this to me I cried out in repentance! Josh and I talked about it, and we realized that we were both in the same boat,
and there were even times when we would put each other before God.. SO we cried out together in repentance as well. And now we are making it a point to put God 1st above ALL else again! To fight for that time with God, even before we do ministry. Because If even ministry isn’t about intimacy with God than what is the point?! If it’s not about intimacy with God, then we are just trying to do the ministry on our own, with our own strength… It is amazing how subtle the enemy is, and how you can even be a full time missionary, and still be totally off.
So, it has been a beautiful refinement..
It is amazing too, how faithful God is, that as soon as we begin to draw near to Him, He does draw near to us! I know I can’t microwave it, but I also know, that NOTHING else matters, if I am not FULLY focused on Him! Doing things in vain is so unfulfilling.. I’m so thankful that God revealed our sin to us, and that He never gives up on us!
So with this I want to encourage all of you~ If you ever feel like your fire is going out, or you can look back to a time when you were more in love with God than you are now… Ask God to search your heart, and…
Repent for the Kingdom of heaven is near..(Matt. 4:17) He is Faithful and Just to forgive! (1 John 1:9)
