You know that saying, “everything has a season”? I have had an abrupt change in season, and I'm struggling a bit to come to terms with it.
In short, I got fired from my job.
I could probably go on for hours telling the background of what lead up to this. The cliff's notes version is that back in October, my boss was fired by the Board of Directors, mostly for personal reasons. I won't go into the details, because that is her business. I did not agree with the fact that she was fired, or the way it was handled. In my opinion, the Board has been way too involved in operations, and that creates a conflict. The Board, although well intentioned, does not have the experience in an animal shelter to dictate the way things are run. They come from very different vocational backgrounds. Have you seen that commercial, I think it is for some over the counter medicine, where a string quartet is sitting down to play, except one of the violins is being played (pretty terribly) by a doctor? The real violinist walks up and cringes at the sounds coming from the doctor's violin. The announcer says, “You wouldn't let your doctor do your job, so why would you want to do hers?” That is basically what has been going on the past few months.
I'm not necessarily against change, just not change for the sake of change. If the system is not broken, there is no need to fix it. All of the shelter's problems (which were mostly just the nature of being an animal shelter) were blamed on my previous boss, so they figured if they got rid of her, that would solve all of the problems. All it did was create more problems. There were unhappy employees and not much direction on the chain of command. The Board swooped in and started making changes to policies, especially concerning the staff. Some of the decisions that were being made I disagreed with, sometimes on a moral level.
I did a little bit of everything at the shelter. I walked the dogs, played with the cats, took in and vaccinated new animals, evaluated them for health and temperament, worked with the customers to educate them about spaying and neutering, facilitated adoptions, and did many administrative tasks. I had been at the shelter a little over a year before all of this happened, and during this time, I absolutely loved my job. Afterwards, everyone took on more of a workload to try to keep everything running during the transition. Everyone was stressed. I often dreaded going to work.
The only thing that kept me going, and what kept me there (I thought about quitting many times), were the animals and my coworkers. I stayed there with the hope that when the new director was hired, things would get better. I tried to stay strong for my coworkers that were also struggling with this time, and for those that looked up to me. I tried to have a positive attitude. I don't like to complain about things because I don't want to come across as a negative person. Usually Josh is the one that hears about all of my complaints, because I know he provides a safe place for me to vent about things. Talking things out helps me deal with them, which I think is why I enjoy storytelling and blogging so much.
Last week, we were asked to fill out evaluation forms to prepare for the employee performance reviews that they were giving this week. They were giving these reviews to see who they wanted to give raises to, and to evaluate the staff on their quality of work. Questions on the form included things like: what do you think are the main purposes of your job? What do you think is the role of the Board of Directors? How can we improve customer service? I was very honest on my form. Not rude, but honest. I felt that sugar coating my answers, and pretending that I was happy with the way things were being run would just be a flat out lie. So, I was honest. I was a little nervous going into my evaluation, and I knew that there was no way I was getting a raise, but I wasn't too concerned about that.
Right from the start, my evaluation was an attack on me. I tried to defend myself as calmly and as rationally as I could. In a nutshell, they basically said, if you are so miserable, why are you still here? I told them that I was not miserable every day. I had good days and bad days. I really liked the people I worked with, and I liked working for a not for profit. I liked that the top priority was not to make a profit. I am leaving in 5 months for the Race, and I planned to stay there up until a couple of weeks before we left. They told me that because I was leaving, I was expendable. It didn't matter to them that I am one of the most experienced and versatile people there. Because I was leaving, I was expendable. And that was hard to hear. I work really hard to do a good job, and to hear that it doesn't matter was tough. They told me I do a great job, but I was “too serious and focused on my work”. Which is a bad thing apparently? That's news to me, haha. Anyway, they told me I had three options: I could quit, take an unpaid leave of absence, or be fired. They asked me if I thought they should fire me. I told them no, because I still do a great job, and I have been professional about keeping my personal opinion to myself. They told me, at the beginning of the evaluation that they were shocked when they read my evaluation form. So obviously, I was doing a good job of just trying to do my job well instead of moping and slacking because I was upset. I told them that whether I was fired or not should be based on my quality of work and not because of my personal opinion, which they asked for me to give them.
Basically, they took what I said on my form, and formed an opinion of me as this hugely negative, burned out person. Which yes, I was burned out to some extent, but my work and my attitude were not suffering because of it. One of the other staff members made a good point: why ask for your opinion if they are just going to get mad that it isn't what they want to hear? So, I knew my days there were numbered. I had had a target on my back for awhile anyway. They never really liked me because they knew that I sided with my old boss, and like with her, they were waiting for a reason to get rid of me, along with the other people that have dissenting opinions.
So, yesterday, I was called into the office, told to turn in my keys, gather my stuff, and leave. They had the assistant manager escort me out, which was dumb because I wasn't going to cause a scene or steal something, or anything like that. It was all over in 2 minutes. I did stay calm, though, and didn't cry or anything embarrassing like that. As I was driving away, I was upset, obviously, but once I had a chance to cry about it, and talk to Josh, as well as a few family and friends, I actually feel kind of okay about it. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly sad to leave my coworkers, and where else to do you get to go to work and have puppy or kitten eyes waiting to greet you every morning? I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, or, I realized later, Trevor and Ramona, the two office cats that I really loved. But, it had become a really toxic working environment. Someone described leaving there at that point as like getting out of an abusive relationship. You are devastated at first, but after you get over the initial loss, there is such a huge weight lifted off.
I am not saying that it is a bad place. There are so many great people that work there. There are hundreds of animals that are waiting for their new homes. And for that reason, I will continue to support them, because the animals need to be advocated for. If the organization goes under as a result of poor management, unfortunately it will be the animals that suffer for it. It is the only open admission shelter in the area, and does a lot of good.
What I am really struggling with is forgiveness. Forgiveness for the people that have made selfish decisions, at the expense of the people that care for the animals and organization so much that we show up every day to clean up poop from cages, get berated, yelled and cussed at by customers, have to put some of our favorite animals to sleep for health or behavior reasons, get paid minimum wage because we know the organization can't afford to pay more, and do it all to be treated like we are less than the dirt on the bottom of their shoes.
Forgiveness when you have been slighted is hard. It is so tough.
“All bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” Ephesians 4:32
I have harbored anger and bitterness towards these people for too long. I talk about loving and being kind and compassionate to everyone, but if I am stewing over these things inside, they are just empty words, and worse, making me a hypocrite. I'm not pretending that I have already forgiven them. It's not like flipping a light switch; it can't happen right away. It will be a process, but one that I am willing to work towards.
Today I am going to explore some options for a job, because I need to be working these last few months before we leave. We still have to pay for vaccinations, get a few more pieces of gear, and save up for emergency money while we are gone. We are hoping that our tax return will be enough to pay off our credit card, which will be a huge burden lifted off.
Although I never thought in a million years that I would be fired, it is no coincidence that it came at a time when pretty much my whole life is about clearing out and starting fresh. We have a little over a week left in our apartment, and there are many things still left to get rid of. The Race will be a change in lifestyle that, from this side, is a little scary to my logistical mind, but one that I desire so much. I am ready to clear out physical things like my furniture, and emotional things like bitterness, that have been holding me back.
A change in season is not a bad thing. One of the seasons I get the most excited about is fall. Instead of the sunshine, lush grass between your toes, or reading a book by the pool during summer, you get cool, crisp air, gorgeous red, brown, yellow, and orange leaves, scarves and boots, cups of hot tea or cocoa. It is the same with seasons of life. Changes in season can bring about many good things that you couldn't even imagine. My season of working at the shelter is over, but with every end is a new beginning. I'm excited to see what the future holds for me.
