On the plane ride from Dubai to JFK in New York City, I spent most of the time watching movies and trying to ignore the sadness in the pit of my stomach.
The World Race is over. I have to say goodbye to the squad in a few hours. We will never all be together again. The Race is over…
As we prepared to land, the sadness turned into excitement, as I fed off of the excitement of the other L Squaders. We were getting ready to touch down on American soil for the first time in 11 months (well, except for that one random time we had a layover in LA after month 3, but let's be dramatic here).
Everyone had their cameras out. Some put their hands up like we were riding a rollercoaster. Cheers went up as the wheels hit the runway.
We filed through customs, somehow Noah made it through with no problems (haha), and we stood around the baggage carousel to wait for our infamous bulging black airporters to circle around. Some said goodbyes here, and some took out their phones that worked for the first time in a year to make calls to loved ones.
As we walked out to the receiving area, we were greeted by moms, dads, friends, and boyfriends. Nate's parents made all of us brownies with napkins emblazened with American flags. Laura's family made us cookies and gave us Hershey's bars. Tess's friend from church gave us packets on re-entry, which I folded and put in my bag for later reading.
Mine and Josh's next flight to Atlanta left in a couple of hours and we needed to re-check in, so we said hurried goodbyes, gave quick hugs, and walked away.
The tears didn't come until we were standing on the escalator, headed to Concourse B. Even then, I held them back. I didn't want to be that girl, walking through the airport with a cherry red nose and bloodshot eyes (though I'm sure it happens a lot).
When we reached our gate, we found Liz, who was on the same flight to Atlanta. It was good to still have someone there to joke about how we don't have to tell everyone where we are going all the time anymore, and that we can walk around alone now.
We boarded our flight, and I wasn't next to Josh or Liz. I was in the middle of two women that I didn't know. I actually couldn't see anyone that I knew, which was a far cry from how L Squad usually takes over the tail section of the plane. (We're Tailies. LOST reference. Anyone?)
I took out the re-entry packet, and started reading. One sentence really struck a chord with me: "While you may have physically arrived, you may not feel like all the parts of your heart have arrived." I finally let some of the tears come out, but not too much. I didn't want to be that crazy person bawling on the plane, because I knew if I let it out too much, the floodgates would open.
We touched down in Atlanta, and after getting off the plane, we said goodbye to Liz. As we walked away, I turned to Josh and said, "Well, we're really alone now."
We boarded our flight to St. Louis, which felt like the longest hour and 15 minute flight ever. I was antsy to see my family. When we arrived, we walked down the hall, and we were greeted by my Mom, brother, and sister. It was a sweet moment that was a long time in the making.
Josh and I have spent the last five days at my parents' house and we will leave on Tuesday morning to go to Springfield to see his family. It has been awesome to spend time with my family, and I have loved it.
It hasn't been without its struggles, though. By the middle of our first full day here, I still hadn't fully let myself cry yet. I finally decided to go on a walk through the neighborhood. I actually walked out the door without telling anyone where I was going, and I had tears coming down my face before I reached the end of the driveway.
Lord, this is just so hard. I miss the squad so much. I miss my friends in Kenya, Malaysia, and everywhere else. Why did You have to give me people to love here and there? I can never have both.
As I circled the block, I was finally able to let the tears out, and to let out the conflicting emotions that had been swirling around in my head and in my heart. Joy over being home with my family. Sadness over saying goodbye to my best friends. Knowing that it may be years before Josh and I go back overseas again.
I expected the funny parts of re-entry: juggling three remotes and being totally confused over how to work the TV, forgetting which side of the road we are supposed to be on, being overwhelmed by the amount of choices just found in my parents' pantry. But I didn't expect it to be so dang hard.
I told my friend Kayla, who was a missionary in Thailand for two years, that re-entry feels like perpetual PMS. One minute you are fine and happy, the next you are in tears, and the next, you are angry.
I have to constantly remind myself to have grace for those around me. Just because someone has unnecessary items in their shopping cart doesn't mean that they don't care about those that are suffering around the world. I sometimes forget that life didn't stop at home while we were gone. Just as Josh and I grew and changed, so did the people we care about.
But for all of the difficulties of re-entry, there are just as many beautiful and joyous things. Seeing my nephew for the first time in 11 months, and the moment that I first heard his little voice as he pointed to the cat and said, "Thiiiiis?"
Hanging out with my little sister, Shelby, and joking around in the way that only we can. Playing Bananagrams with both of my sisters. Snuggling my parents' cats. Telling my Dad about the orphans we hung out with in Cambodia, and how they are all sponsored now. Talking about and doing craft projects with my Mom. Having my first driving experience with my sister, Jess. Hanging out in my brother's room like old times, as he tries to fix my camera screen. Celebrating my 25th birthday with my family.
I have to remember to remember these moments, especially when life feels not quite as bright or glamorous as life on the Race. Life is different now. Not lesser, just different. I can still do ministry here, just in a different way than on the Race. In a lot of ways, I am mourning a season of life, but I also realize that I am moving into a new season-one that will be filled with just as many good memories and awesome things.
Thank you so much for loving me and supporting me, whether that's been in real life or through the computer screen. My family and friends have been integral in the way I have grown in this last season, and through carrying me in the tough times.
I am so excited for the things to come. It's going to be a great, new adventure.
P.S. I will still be blogging here, as well as on my personal blog at Living a Great Story.
