It happens every month on the Race. Several times a month, even. A squadmate comes in with a new scarf, tattoo, dress, or book. You say the obligatory, “Oh my gosh, I LOVE it!” or, “So cool!”, but deep down inside, you are filled with envy, mixed with sadness.
I wish I could buy a new scarf. I've wanted that tattoo for so long. I wish I had a new book to read.
I can't tell you how many times I've had these thoughts running through my head. And I feel like a big, giant fake.
Didn't I come on the Race to minister to the poor, putting my own desires and needs aside?
Josh and I started out the Race with about $600 in our bank account. We spent the last several months before the Race working like crazy to pay off our credit card. We got the balance down quite a bit, but paying it off didn't happen. As a result, we didn't have much to start out with, and because we have to pay for toiletries, local travel that isn't ministry related, and any other extra things that come up, we ran out in month four in the Philippines. Since then, we've been supported by the generosity of our family and friends giving us what they are able to, here and there.
I'm not going to lie. It has not been fun, not knowing how we are going to pay for the shampoo that we need, or having to sit in the restaurant while your teammates munch on fries and icecream, and pretend that it doesn't matter to you.
But, I've had a revelation. Maybe being totally broke on the Race is actually a good thing. Maybe, I can learn so much more in this position than I could if my bag had those new items in them, or if I had some new ink on my skin.
Being broke puts you in a position of dependence. Dependence on the Lord, and on your community. When you have to rely on your teammates to pay for the tuk tuk to take you across town, or to cover a meal for you, you realize how much you need community. When you have to rely on faith when you have no clue how you are going to make everything work, you realize that you don't make everything work.
Last month, in Malaysia, I had to go to the hospital. I have a digestive condition that causes intense abdominal pain, and it had gotten to be more than I could handle. I saw two doctors, one of whom was a surgeon, had an ultrasound done, and got a month of prescription meds to try to regulate my system. The total came to about $106. When we were leaving, I was hoping that we could pay by giving just our credit card number (the card is in America), because we didn't have the cash. They wouldn't let us do that, and even said, “Why would you come to the hospital if you don't have any money?”
We couldn't leave until we figured it out, if I wanted my meds anyway. We were trying to figure out what to do, and we were coming up empty. I was on the verge of tears, and I was rifling through my purse to get the phone out to call Johnny in desperation, to ask him what to do.
My fingers had just found the phone in my bag when it started ringing. The number wasn't one that was saved, so I had no idea who was calling.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Jen. How's everything going?” It was one of our squadmates.
“Well, I just got done at the hospital, but I don't know what to do because-”
“I want to pay your bill.”
“What??? Umm, okay. That would be great.”
He said that he remembered that I was going to the hospital, and he felt like it was something that he needed to do. How crazy is it, that literally exactly at my time of need was when he felt like he should call? Thank You, Jesus. You knew when I needed help, and You gave that in the form of my friend calling and insisting on paying my bill.
Having no money in the bank also gives you humility. It's hard to ask for help for everything. In our society, asking for money is almost a taboo. We have to be self-sufficient, independent people, and if you are not, you must be doing something wrong, right?
And I'm still working on this. Rather than asking for money from a teammate, I waited a week for $10 to transfer so I could buy a $6 bottle of contact solution, all the while wearing my glasses every day and hating it.
But, when I ask my teammates to help me out, it gives them an opportunity to bless someone. It allows them to practice what they preach, and help a sister in need. So many times, I've stressed about not being able to get something I need, when all I had to do was get over the cringing in my stomach and just ask. They are always more than happy to give.
Not having a next paycheck or money to fall back on makes you more relatable to the people you are ministering to. This month, we are staying in an unfurnished house that the orphanage is renting for us. The house has four stories, nice tiled floors, and crown molding. No airconditioning, and some electrical wires here and there, but still very nice. Right across the street, several families live in a shanty town.
Every time we walk by, we wave hello, and the kids get really excited. When we have leftover food, we take the food to them, and hang out for a little while. The families are intensely poor, but still joyful. They love when we come over, and they are happy to accept the gifts we give them.
Yesterday, after bringing some food by, Angela said to me, “That's when you are truly poor. When you have no shame about accepting help, because you really need it, and you are used to your situation.”
While I am not at that point, because my situation is definitely not as desperate as theirs, I can identify with them to an extent. I understand how it feels to not know how you are going to make it, and not having that control. I see their joy in spite of their situation, and I desire that for myself.
I definitely still struggle with contentment on this. It is so easy to get sucked into the downward spiral of worry. Several times this month, I've been so worried that my stomach hurt. Sometimes, I've been distracted from ministry. But, I am learning that Josh and I have a unique situation to learn dependence on God that other Racers don't. And that everything, literally everything, is nothing compared to Christ. Food, comforts, new clothes, shampoo, money (having it or not) are so ridiculously minimal when compared to Jesus.
So, I'm declaring myself free of worry of money. The fact that we don't have any in this season of life does not define us. I really don't need to stuff any more clothes in my pack, and the Lord and my team will make sure that we are taken care of. (Since starting this blog, we have been blessed to have been able to get shampoo, bodywash, contact solution, toothpaste, a new razor, and various treats of ice cream and other things, through my teammates' generosity and surprises of gifts from God).
Rather than filling my head with thoughts of worry, I am seeking to fill it with thoughts of Him, and putting all of my energy into loving God, and loving people. I know that He will take care of us, and when He chooses to bless us along the way, glory to God. 🙂
If you feel led to bless us with a financial gift to help us with these every day costs, you can do so on our PayPal account, here . Just type in my email address: [email protected].
Thank you so much!
