When we received our ministry information for the Philippines, the pastor had written that we would be staying in a 14×14 room. We thought, "Surely that was a typo. There's no way we can fit 8 people and all of their bags into that small of a space."
Oh, but you can.
Not so.
And surely, since we have our own space, we will get lots of time to relax and "turn off" for a little while.
Not really, since the kids treat us with as much excitement as if we are celebrities. They are up before we are, waiting for us right outside our door, and they stay outside until long after we have already gone back in.
Honestly, during the first week, I was having a lot of trouble with all of these things. I had a bad attitude about being hot, cramped (physically and emotionally), and I just felt exhausted.
I wanted to enjoy ministry in the Philippines. This is what I expected when we signed up for the Race. Uncomfortable quarters, sweating like crazy, tight community, living with and ministering to the poor.
So, why did I feel this way? I didn't feel like myself at all, and I began to withdraw. When I woke up in the morning, I just wanted to stay in bed all day. Except my sleeping pad felt like it was radiating heat, so I didn't even want to be there.
It all culminated to a team time one night, when I shared with my team how I was feeling. They gave suggestions on how I could grow in this, but I didn't take it well. In fact, I ended up a crying mess, and I even had to leave to sit outside for a few minutes. It was the first time on the Race that I just wanted to run. I wanted out of there. My team wanted to fight for me, but I wouldn't let them.
I went to bed, still an emotional mess, but luckily, two things happened in the next two days.
The next day, Saturday, we were moving to the next town, to stay at the "mother church" to the one we are staying in in Southville. This week, we are working on a renovation on the church in Southville, to make more space.
As soon as we loaded up our bags into the jeepney owned by the church, and got to the bigger church, I sat outside on the curb with Angela, drinking a Coke. I told her that I finally felt like I could breathe. There were no kids desperate for our attention, 10 times the space, indoor rather than outdoor bucket showers, and like, 6 fans!
But, I was a little bit frustrated with myself for my reactions. Bad attitude when it gets hard, good attitude when I get some comforts back. Wasn't I supposed to be rising above that?
I did realize, though, that I need to give myself some grace.
Change is hard. I can't expect myself to have good reactions to everything, all the time.
And I realized that that the area we were living in had a lot to do with it. I have been given the gift of spiritual discernment, which basically, for me, means that I can overwhelmingly feel whatever spirit or presence is there.
Southville is a government project which relocated squatters who were living near the railroad tracks. The houses are literally wall to wall, with block after block of skinny streets.
The government sends water twice a day, from 6:00 to 9:00 and from 3:00 to 6:00. During these times, you must fill up your water drum, or you will not have water to do dishes, shower, or flush the toilet. Many of the women start working early in the morning, washing clothes, doing housework, cooking. Many of the children do not attend school, but instead run around the community, playing basketball, and hanging out with their friends.
It is an area of great poverty, but hope shines through the cracks.
The problem for me was that I was feeling and taking on the emotions that are heavy in the area. Depression. Hopelessness. Contempt for loved ones. Short temper.
And I didn't even know until I was removed from the situation.
When I realized this, it was like the wind had been knocked out of me. I felt tricked and used by Satan. He did what he does best: sneak attacking to prevent the advancement of the Kingdom of God.
But, that's nothing that me+Jesus can't handle.
One thing that I have learned on the Race is the power you have to proclaim truth over yourself, and to change your perspective. So, I realized that in order to fight this, and to be effective in ministry in Southville, and to be a healthy member of our team, I need to speak truth over myself that directly relates to the overwhelming emotions I was feeling while there.
We are still living at the bigger church, but when we return to live in the little church in Southville next week , I will be prepared and equipped to not fall back into that.
Sunday also held a big moment for me. Read part 2 to hear about it.
(All photos from my teammate Brittany Cantrell)
