Yesterday, I found myself outside of our little bungalow, on the rock that overlooks the valley, with a backdrop of mountains and a river that cuts through them, crying over my broken heart. I just couldn't stop crying; the tears kept coming and coming.
Back in Malaysia, four months ago, I had an incredible experience at the Penang House of Prayer. During worship, my spirit was transported to the throne room of the Lord. While there, I sat in His presence, experiencing His glory, and my heart knew what it was to be complete. I also walked with Jesus, just before I was transported back to the floor of PenHOP. The experience left me glowing, smiling from ear to ear. I couldn't believe that it had just happened.
Fast forward to Swaziland, sitting on the rock with a broken heart. I had woken up that morning, desiring more. I didn't know what my heart wanted, but I knew that I didn't want to do anything that I was supposed to do; when I thought about going to ministry, it just didn't sound right.
I realized that what my heart was desiring was simply the Lord. I wanted that communion with Him back. My heart knew what it was like to literally be in His presence. This is what we are made for-to be with God. Those few seconds that felt like an eternity had completed my soul in a way that I had never realized was possible.
And I wanted that back.
The problem is that I can never have that here on Earth. Nothing here can satisfy me. I was crying my eyes out because I realized that I probably will never be in His presence that fully until this life is over for me. All I can do is wait. When your heart wants something so badly like that, knowing you have to wait is one of the hardest answers to get.
But, I know that I can rest in the fact that one day, I will get to join Him again. I've been thinking a lot lately about the beauty of the story that God has written and is writing here on Earth. And that we get to be a part of it. He used to dwell in the Temple in Jerusalem, but now He dwells in us. We are His Temple. How amazing is that?
I am so thankful that God has chosen me to be a part of the story. I can't imagine any other life, and I can't imagine how anyone could desire any other life than one with the Lord. So, until that day when He brings me back to His throne room, I will wait expectantly. I am humbled and blessed that the Lord gave me a glimpse of what is to come. I have an understanding of what the ultimate fulfillment of the soul is like, and now my job is to tell that story.
Here is a piece of my journal from that day on the rock:
"As a deer longs for streams of water, so I long for You, God. I thirst for God, the living God. Help me to be satisfied with the way You are in me now, but to remember what is to come. And instead of feeling sad and hopeless that I am not fully with You now, please give me a smile and a hope. Like I have a precious secret, and I know that it is going to be amazing. Help me to wait patiently and expectantly. Help me to remember that You are with me always. I love You, Lord."
