This month is manistry/womanistry month, and the guys and girls are split up. The guys are right outside of Phuket, which is in extreme southern Thailand, and most of the girls are in Chiang Mai, which is in northern Thailand. The girls on my team, and the girls from Team Mates, are 3 hours north-ish from Chiang Mai.
Most male Racers that I know look forward to manistry month, talk about it for a long time, and it is often the highlight of the Race for them. The girls, on the other hand, don't get as excited. I don't know if it is because there is usually a higher ratio of girls to guys on World Race squads, or if we just don't get that excited about girl time.
As the only married couple on the squad, Josh and I actually got to choose whether we wanted to split up, or if we wanted to stay together and do our own thing this month. We chose to split up, because Josh had really been looking forward to manistry, and we both knew that it would be good for us to be apart, and that we could both learn and grow so much through it.
It's been 7 days. One week. And it's been really hard.
When the girls left the guys at the airport, I was a mess. All day as we were traveling, I was dreading that moment when we would have to say goodbye. As we got through customs in Bangkok, and got our bags from the luggage pick-up, I was dreading it even more.
We all sat in a group, waiting for the next step. (There is a saying on the Race: hurry up and wait. We're pretty good at it by now.) Josh and I decided to go ahead and withdraw our money for the month, so we would only have one ATM fee, rather than two when we split up. The ATM only gave us big bills, so we walked upstairs to buy a Coke to break the big bills.
We sat together and talked, drinking our Coke, and soaked up our last minutes together. All too soon, it was time for the girls to leave. I started to feel panic rise up inside of me. I can't do this. We've never been apart for this long. I don't really know how I am going to make it without him.
Until then, I was holding it together pretty well. Johnny came over to say bye, and asked if I was okay. That's when I lost it. “It's just really hard,” I told him.
“I know,” he said. “But the fact that it is so hard is a good thing. You really care about each other, so it's okay to be upset. It will be a good month.” He left us so we could say bye, and I don't really remember much about what I said, just that I was crying, and my heart was breaking.
I gathered my stuff, rolled my luggage cart away, and felt like for the first time in a long time, I was facing the world on my own.
Since then, we have gotten to talk to each other on the phone once, and hopefully we can again today. Sometimes I feel fine about it, and other times, I feel deeply sad.
We've all heard that when you get married, two people become one person. Before this last week, I believed it, for sure, but more in the sense of unity, rather than almost literally, emotionally anyway. As we left Bangkok, I didn't feel like myself at all. Like a piece of me was missing. Because it is. Someone who has been a part of my life everyday for the last 5 years, and who I have been married to for the last 3 ½, is suddenly not here with me. It feels like I have just stepped off the boat I've been on for years, back onto dry land, and I don't really know how to walk on land anymore.
So, it's been hard, for sure, but I have also been learning so much about myself, and our relationship in the process. I can't quite put them all into words, but I have gained such an appreciation for the good relationship that Josh and I have. What was so normal and everyday before, because I was just so used to it, is something that I have remembered is so special and such a blessing in my life.
Also, I've realized that the longing I feel to be with my husband, is also a picture (even if just a smidgen) of the longing that God feels to be with us. He loves us so deeply, and desires so much to be with us, and for us to want to be with Him, too. I don't know about you, but that makes me feel pretty darn special, that the Creator of the Universe longs to be with me.
So, I've been counting down the days until Josh and I get to see each other again (18!), but I have been trying to be fully present in ministry. Also, I already had respect for them, but I've gained so much more respect for military wives and husbands than I had before. It is hard to voluntarily say goodbye to your spouse for a period of time, and in the process, see a part of yourself leave with them. I can't imagine a year without Josh.
Please pray for our continued growth as individuals, and as a couple. I can already see how it has been beneficial to our relationship with each other, as well as our walks with the Lord. I am so looking forward to the day when we see each other, and when we can both feel whole again.
At CICRIN-our ministry in Nicaragua on Ometepe Island
