“I am not okay”
For some people, those words may seem harmless. But for me, these words were words that I would never let pass my lips. I would never let a tear fall down my cheek. I would never let others see my pain.
I had to be strong. I had to be funny. I had to have it all together.
I grew up in a home that didn’t have it all together. There was a lot of fighting, a lot of crying, and a lot of pain. Sometimes, there would be weekends where I longed to go to school so I could escape it all.
But then school fell apart. I lost many of my friends, and I felt alone all the time. I began struggling with suicide.
But I didn’t want anyone to know. I was a good Christian girl, and good Christian girls didn’t struggle with anger or sin or suicide, right? I had to keep it together. I had to make sure no one knew. I had to make sure that no one saw.
There is a song by the Killers called, “Smile Like You Mean It.” That became my life motto. I would say things like, “Fake it til you make it,” and I made sure no one saw beyond my shiny exterior that I was rotting away on the inside.
On top of all of this inner turmoil, I was also a big sister. I had two siblings much younger than me and I felt the need to be strong for them. Even if their world was falling apart, I would be their rock.
I shut off my emotions. I became numb. I didn’t feel anything anymore. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. The words played like a mantra in my crumbling spirit.
Until this month, I struggled with turning off this reflex. Even on my team, I was a rock that was calm even if everything else was a storm.
But then I became a team leader.
In a previous blog post, I made light of my stress and wrote a light hearted care free blog about team leading.I didn’t realize how dishonest I was being until a teammate challenged me to be vulnerable about what I am going through.
This month has been probably the hardest month on my Race. We are working at a boy’s home, and the stories have broken my heart. I have felt completely inadequate and unworthy to team lead. In an effort to appear okay, I isolated myself from my team and alienated them.
I have been selfish. I haven’t listened well. I haven’t loved well. I’ve been angry, irratable, lonely, and there have been days I haven’t wanted to be on the Race anymore.
Team leading has brought out every ounce of people pleasing in my body, and it has thrown me into panic attacks when I couldn’t find a happy medium or compromise. It has showed me that I have very little confidence in my decision making skills, or even my ability as a leader. It has pushed me beyond my limits, and it has broken me.
And even in all this inner turmoil, I still felt the urge to smile and put on a show. I had to be the fun, goofy, happy Jordyn that everyone likes…
or so I thought.
One night, my team called me out on my crap.
They wanted to see my heart, and where I was at.
So I did, and like a dam breaking, all those feelings of inadequacy and lonliness bursted through. I showed them the darkest parts of my heart, and that ultimately,
I am not okay.
This has been a rough month. I am tired. God has brought out some pretty heavy imperfections that I am working through, and although I am glad that they are in the light, it hurts to be dealing with them.
I do not have it all together, but I serve a God who does. And even though I am inadequate in my own strength, I serve a God who is always able. Through sharing my heart, I was met with grace, love, and the heart of the Father through the shared hugs and kind words of my team.
God met me face to face, and I learned that it IS okay to not be okay.
So yeah, I’m not okay right now, but I serve a God who is AWESOME.
