I’ve never been good at being still. At home I fill my planner with things to accomplish and find great satisfaction in crossing every task off the list. Knowing that I successfully accomplished all that the day required of me is how I sleep at night. Even my quiet time with the Lord is typically structured. I prefer to follow a Bible study plan or work through a devotional than to simply sit with the Lord, and prayer sometimes becomes a checklist. People keep using that language here on the race: “Sit with the Lord”. I’m realizing that I don’t even know what that means or how to do it.
I always knew I was an organized person and that I am an achiever, but this week the Lord has been wrecking me a little bit and showing me that this checklist lifestyle that gives me peace and satisfaction is just not sustainable. I’m realizing that subconsciously I anticipated this trip to be action packed with powerful ministry going on 24/7. There certainly have been powerful moments, but there are also a lot of in between times without a ton going on, and that’s challenging for me.
This week the kids are here at school and we have been rotating who helps out in the classes and who helps with chores around the campus. I got to help teach English one day this week which was a cool experience, and I’ve been able to hang out with the kids at recess and lunch. But there have also been many instances where I’ve found myself with more time alone with my thoughts while sweeping, mopping, raking, stacking logs, or just waiting for the next activity to happen than my restless mind is comfortable with. And without technology to occupy my brain in these in between moments I’m forced to face the fact that I don’t know how to be still. I’m realizing that deep down, I’m not okay with just being.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the phrase “be still and know” and I’ve asked the Lord to teach me how to be still. One of my leaders has said to be careful what you pray for, because the Lord doesn’t just give us what we ask for but gives us opportunities to be taught the skills we want. When we ask for patience, I think he gives us circumstances that require patience and we are forced to learn it. For courage, he gives us situations where bravery is required. With learning to be still, I think he is giving me a lot of time where I am forced to practice stillness. I’m also learning what it looks like to simply read the Bible without prompts and questions to help me process, and how to do listening prayer. I just really feel God trying to teach me that, contrary to what I’ve always kind of believed, stillness and laziness are not one in the same and I need to learn how to be less restless.
I still think that productivity is really valuable, but I’m learning that what matters is the heart out of which we are operating when we are busy accomplishing things. I’m learning to value unstructured stillness that prepares me to be able to be busy in a healthy way, and that my worth doesn’t come from my successes. It’s really hard for me to admit, but I think deep down I don’t feel like just being is good enough. Like I have to do things and be successful in order to prove my worth. But God’s reminding me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, exactly how he wants me, and the issue of my worth was settled at the cross. It’s a truth I’ve always known in my head, but I’m working on getting it into my heart.
As far as an update on what else has happened since I last posted, the days seem long but the week went fast. We have been doing a lot of the same types of chores around CICRIN, but it has been cool to see the kids all at the school this week. Teaching English basically just means that two of us go into the classroom together and the teacher hands us a marker and sits down and we just wing it and come up with things for them to learn. I helped out with first and third grade this week and the kids are so incredibly cute and we were the recipients of plenty of hugs. The girls have been fascinated with my hair this week and at recess I can count on them wanting to take out my headband or hair ties and take turns braiding it or just pulling on it. My little friend Margarita told me she thinks my hair looks like a princess, so that was an ego boost for the day.
This week the afternoons have been a really sweet time because I have been able to go swimming in the lake on a couple different days. I have totally been feeling echoes of Camp Geneva in this place because it is right on the lake and we are doing ministry with kids while in close community really focused on Christ. We have a bunch of hammocks strung up in the pavilion next to the water where we spend a lot of our down time. Having grown up in Holland I just feel so at home near a big lake like this. We are even on the west side of the island which means the sun sets over the water just like in West Michigan and I’ve loved this little taste of home.
I also ended up going to the doctor in town this week because my throat has been really irritated and scratchy and a bit swollen. I think it is from something I’m allergic to that must be flying around in the air (and the method around here for getting rid of trash is to constantly have fires burning and there’s a lot of smoke and wind). I’ve been coughing a lot, especially at night when I’m trying to go to sleep, but now I have some meds that have been helping me to breathe more easily and have helped with the irritation, so that’s good.
Continued prayers for everyone’s health would be appreciated as I was not the only one who paid a visit to the doctor this week. Also, the kids who live here at CICRIN full time have to go home on the weekends because it is too expensive for the organization to pay staff through the weekend to take care of them. If they don’t have a home to go to they stay with different people from the church or school, and most of them don’t have the easiest of situations to return to, so that’s something that can be prayed for as well. These kids go through a lot and its sad to think that in a few weeks we will have to leave them after getting to know them. But it is encouraging to know that there are people here who love them a lot, teach them about the Lord, and take the best care of them that they can. That’s all for this week, thanks for reading!
Love,
Jordan
Psalm 46
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. He says, “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
