Vulnerability. It’s a word you hear often on the World Race. We believe in being transparent and open with the good and bad going on in our lives so that God and others can love us even deeper. It’s such a powerful thing when done right!
Two of the words God gave me this year are discipline and intimacy. Intimacy is letting others (and God) see into me. (Intimacy=Into-Me-You-See) Throughout my whole life I have had shame and recently I’ve learned that in order to beat shame, I need to be vulnerable and let others see into me. This leads to intimacy.
I’ve opened up a few times with my team about stuff I’m going through, but if I’m not intentional, it can become a one time thing. I want it to become a lifestyle. I don’t want to be like Adam and Eve where they hid when they felt shame. I want to be open with others and be okay with them seeing my faults and weaknesses. It’s definitely not the first time I’ve walked this out, but it is at a deeper level than I’ve experienced before.
Holy Spirit has been revealing a lot of pride in me in various ways. I’ve always tried to be strong in my own strength and ability. I’ve tried to present myself to others as blameless and pure. It’s hard for me to humble myself and say “I was wrong”. I constantly compare myself with others and think “I am better than them”.
I hate and love what God is revealing in me. I’m having to face the reality that I am not as perfect as I thought. Yet, each time I open up and be vulnerable, I am amazed even more at God’s grace towards me, as well as the grace of my friends. They love me for who I am and not for what I have done. God is this way as well.
Recently I posted 2 videos on Facebook talking about vulnerability. On the second one I talk about how part of vulnerability is letting your needs be made known. So I shared with people where I am at financially. I currently have no money and have around $8500 CAD of debt. I am trying to raise money for this trip as well which costs $9000 USD. I don’t even have money to buy shampoo or toothpaste.
Although making the video wasn’t easy for me, it was such a good feeling to be able to share and post it for the world to see. So far, some fruit that came from it was a friend on FB saw my videos and then felt led to share on Facebook something her and her family are going through and asked for help. That was really cool to see!
I was asking God the other day about my situation and what He said to me was,
“Jordan, I see where you are at. I’ve heard your request for money. Sacrifices I do not delight in. I desire a broken and contrite heart”.
What He was talking about is that I have tried in my own efforts many times to get funds in my account. I have tried to sow generously with the little amounts I get every now and then in hopes of reaping a big return. He promises that if you sow, you will reap. I have tried this and lately have not seen any fruit from it. The reason for this is because I was so focused on the truth (head) aspect that I missed the love (heart) aspect.
What God was showing me is that my sacrifices were not what He was looking for. He was wanting a BROKEN and CONTRITE heart. He wants me to be dependent on Him as my Father who always provides.
The last 2 years I’ve been on a journey from my head to my heart. It doesn’t come easy. I understand what it looks like to be BROKEN and CONTRITE in my mind, but I don’t truly know what it’s like to experience it in my HEART.
I know this is what God is doing in me in this season and being vulnerable is a huge part of it. I can be making huge sacrifices daily to God, but if my heart is not broken and contrite, I’m completely missing it. God opposes the proud and gives GRACE TO THE HUMBLE. I desire to be in the humble camp.
Pray for me as I continue to press into all that God has for me in this season. Thanks!
