If you missed chapter 1 and 2 of my series, here they are. Chapter 1. Chapter 2.
I am sharing with you ways God has been transforming me on the World Race. I am going through all the things that I told myself and others that “I am Not” and how God showed me that “I am” and “I can” through Him.
This chapter is about how I told myself that I am a guy and therefore I don’t have any emotions. This is also connected to me being merciful and gentle to others. This is probably the area where I have seen the most growth in my life since the start of this journey.
When I grew up, I was surrounded by mostly guys. I had 2 brothers and one sister. Most of my cousins were guys. Most of the people in my youth group were guys. When I went to Bible College with 30 students, there was 2/3 guys. My whole life I have been surrounded by more testosterone than estrogen. Also, when I entered junior high, I became addicted to pornography. This distanced me from females as well because I viewed them more as body parts than actual people.
For me, I am a very logical and truth focused person. Feelings and emotions to me were something that just confused truth and sound judgment. When people shared their emotions, I would ignore that and think, “Ya, that’s nice, but what is the Truth in that situation?” I was harsh in the way I responded to people who were more emotional. If they were feeling God was distant, instead of comforting in their distress first, I would go straight into pointing out that God tells us He will never leave us or forsake us. I would point out the truth and expect them to just believe it because that was how I was wired. I would always make jokes saying, “I am guy, I don’t have emotions”. I knew I did, but I never really realized when they were in play.
Going into Training Camp back in October, I knew I was going to grow in this area of talking and relating to females, but I didn’t know just how much God was going to change me and how much I badly needed to change. I arrived at training camp and there was 300 people there and probably only 50-70 guys. I was highly out numbered. There was 50 people on my squad with only 9 guys. That’s a 5-1 ratio that I am not familiar with. But I knew God was working on me, so I stepped out of my comfort zone a bit. Instead of sitting at a table with guys, I would sit at a table with 7 girls. It was very awkward for me at first and I didn’t know what to talk about. Over the span of the week I was a lot more comfortable with them and God began my healing process of seeing women as people rather than parts.
I launched with them in January and was excited to get to know all the girls on my squad. I had a perfect opportunity the first 2 months due to having 2 all squad months back to back. On my first team I had 4 girls and one guy with the gift of mercy. With this gift often comes with them being gentle, emotional and having compassion and mercy on others. We have feedback every day and call out what we see in others for areas they need to grow in. Naturally I got feedback on how I respond to females and come across harsh more than gentle. In South Africa I discovered I was a teacher and realized that I love truth and because of that, it comes out when I talk to people. Truth can hurt if not said tactfully and I was beginning to learn that.
I started to see growth in this area of my life as the months rolled on. I talked with my sister back home when I was in Mozambique and she was like “Jordan! I’ve been trying to teach you those things forever!” It’s sad to say, but she was right. I had been blind to them for years and she noticed that I needed to change in this area. I was too proud to take her advice and I probably offended many girls over the years. So Meghan, thanks for saying what needed to be said, even though I missed it. You were right.
I had a team change after month 4 and spent 3 months with my new team. The girls on this team also helped me a lot in this area. They not only pointed out what I was doing wrong, but they also taught me how I can respond to girls in a more gentle and merciful way. They gave me lots of grace in this area and walked with me through it. I have noticed the change in my life and so have others. We just had a debrief at the end of last month and a few people came to me saying, “Jordan, you look different. And it’s not a physical different. You look different and it’s because of a spiritual change”. I was so humbled by those comments. It meant a lot to hear that the work I put into the areas God was refining, actually made a difference in my life to the point where people were noticing it.
To any man or woman who I may have hurt over the years with my words, I am sorry. Proverbs 18:21 days, “The tongue has the power of life or death, and those who love it will eat of its fruit”. I have used the tongue to bring death many times and never realized it. I desire to use my tongue to bring nothing but life to all I speak to. By God’s grace I will get there. Until then, continue having mercy on me. God knows I need it daily.
I am so thankful to all the girls on Q Squad who have helped me in this process. You have done nothing but been positive encouragement and brought healing to me in many areas. I love you all! Keep being you and let Jesus pour out of you like usual!
