Broken & Healed: Journal Entry
My team and I wrote psalms during team time one night. I didn’t share mine with them because I told myself it is a little too vulnerable. But then I realized that is the very reason why I should share it.
B R O K E N:
My soul is thirsty, my soul is dry.
You are the life-giving well, I know that.
I seek you, but I find nothing.
In the darkness, I see no light.
Where could You have gone? I thought You were here.
Anger fills me, I question everything.
I despise You, but a part of me still loves You.
I look for You, but a part of me hopes to find nothing.
I cry out to You, but a part of me hopes to hear only silence.
For how could a loving Father allow this?
Make sense of it all.
You say, “I am sorry”.
My soul is thirsty, my soul is dry.
I wrote this psalm as a description as to how I was feeling a year ago. 12 months into working in the ER, I already saw and experienced so much. Too much for a 21 y/o to see. I realized very quickly how real the world is. Brokenness exists, evil exists, and there is such thing as true hurt and pain. I became so angry at God for what was happening all around me. How could You let that kid die? How could you allow her to live a normal life up until now, and then suddenly she has cancer? Why did that guy have to run that red light? Why did you have to let her fall and hit her head in just the right place at just the right pressure, causing her to have a brain bleed? I thought I knew God, but I began to question it all. I truly did not understand Him anymore. Everything I learned in church growing up and the one thing I put my faith, hope and trust in seemed to be failing me… over and over again. I no longer knew what to do, where to turn, what to say, where my identity was.. I became numb. I no longer cared anymore. I told myself I hated God, but a part of me still loved Him. How could that be? I remained so thirsty and I thought, “If I am this thirsty, surely there is something out there. My soul is longing for something.”
H E A L E D:
My soul is thirsty, but not dry.
My cup overflows, I am no longer parched.
I seek You, and there You are.
Your smile lights up my surroundings.
You’re by my side, You never left.
I am filled with joy, I must give it away.
I am still a little broken, but You are the Healer.
Brokenness does not phase You.
Nothing is a challenge.
I’m allowing You to do Your work.
Create new memories within me.
I want to see You in a different light.
My soul is thirsty, but not dry.
This psalm represents the new me, after the brokenness. Redeemed. After a lot of frustration and doubt, I realized there are questions I am never going to get answers to. I stopped asking God why, and began to ask Him for peace. My questions will be answered when we are face to face but as of right now, I am not meant to understand it. We serve such a loving Father. We can run away from Him as far as we choose, but once we turn around He is right there. There is no universe wide enough to escape that and no path is too dark to walk out of. Death is death, it happens to all living things. God is still God through that. Jesus is present in the pain. He is in the cold hospital waiting room. He is wandering through the crowded Emergency Department. He is in the midst of code blues, by the side of EMTs, and comforting those who may not feel any comfort at the moment. My (and your) ability to feel His presence does not determine His presence.
You might be reading through this to find an answer. I’m sorry to say that I do not have one. I don’t know why things happen. But I do know that God is still God through the storm. It doesn’t make any sense, I know that, but it doesn’t make it any less true. He. Is. Still. God.
