It took me over a week to write this blog and it’s not because I didn’t want to, it’s because so much happened at Training Camp. I’m not really sure where to begin.
I could sit here and tell you about the nights we slept in tents, in “airports”, on the grass (shoutout to my cowboy campers!!).. or all the different cultural foods we ate, the bucket showers, the fitness tests, evangelizing, and the 10 million sessions we had to attend that were emotionally and mentally draining. But that’s all surface level stuff. You can read about it on everyone else’s blog. I just feel the need to be transparent right now.
Coming into training camp, I was lost. I was angry at God. I was confused about my own faith. I felt stuck and there was no where to move. I felt like I didn’t belong and asked God over and over again why He brought me here. I knew I needed something to happen, I just didn’t know what. I needed some kind of breakthrough. I needed intimacy with the Lord again.
At the beginning of TC, I struggled with feeling God’s presence. I felt so disconnected from Him and I knew it was due to the fact that I ran away from Him for so long.
One night during worship, I continually prayed, “Father, show me Your face.” I longed for the Holy Spirit. My squadmate then came up to me and asked if she could pray over me. She felt as though I was not entirely “there”. She was right.
A couple songs into worship, we were told all the leaders would come to the front of the room to be there to hug us if we needed it. If anyone needed to feel the Holy Spirit, someone to represent the love of God and His presence. I started crying immediately. God literally answered my prayer, right then and there.
It was an incredible thing to see. 50+ staff members standing in the front of the room, ready for racers to embrace them.
Let me first tell you, I did not want to do this. This was vulnerable. This was scary. This was taking place in front of 200+ other people. This was a chance for me to release what I have been hiding in my heart for so long, which I did not want to ever do. It felt so wrong bringing someone else into my pain.
Normally I would say no to this opportunity right off the bat but something came over me which gave me the courage to stand up immediately. I actually think I was the first person to do this in the entire room.
Worship continued as I walked up to my Squad Leader, James, not knowing what to expect. The second he hugged me, I suddenly felt so comforted. I truly felt the love of the Father, represented by this 24 year old guy who decided to lead a bunch of crazy racers around the world. I bet he didn’t expect to be hugging a 21 year old girl, crying all over him for 10 minutes LOL. He took it like a champ.
But, I felt the Holy Spirit so powerfully for the very first time in years and my only reaction was to just stand there and SOB as he prayed over me. I can confidently say I have never been prayed over like that before in my entire life. God spoke right through him and every word was exactly what I needed.
It felt like I was releasing all my past hurt and anger onto James, and he handled it very well, to say the least! He didn’t make me feel like a burden and he truly cared for me in the way our Father does. So, James, if you are reading this, you are a true representation of Christ to me and I am so thankful for our friendship.
I learned a lot at Training Camp (filled up an entire notebook full of notes) but ultimately, nothing can prepare me for what I am about to do. I took everything to heart, but I have to go into the World Race with an open mind and no expectations.
There is one thing God continually pressed on my heart during this time. It’s that the Lord is there even when you don’t feel Him. Yeah, I’ve heard that from different speakers, songs, and quotes growing up but I’ve never gotten to the point where I didn’t actually feel the Lord’s presence. I’ve never gotten to the point where I had to fight for my own faith.. until recently. I was in a spiritual warfare for a while and halfway through TC I was fighting through it. I worshiped when I didn’t feel it, I talked about what was on my heart when I really didn’t want to, I listened to speakers when I didn’t fully trust what they were saying and I had quiet time every morning even though I felt as though the Lord had forsaken me.
But, I finally had that breakthrough and I realized there will be a lot more times in my life when I don’t “feel the Lord”. I just have to fight through it. I have to worship when I don’t want to and I have to fight off the enemy when it feels as though I have no strength left.
God’s goodness is not based on the strength of my faith that specific day.
He is not afraid of my emotions.
He wants to be asked the hard questions.
It’s okay to be angry at Him. It’s okay to beat on His chest. He can handle it.
I ran away from the idea that worship is not attempting to gain God’s attention and realized it is purely to give Him ours.
On the race and in our everyday life, there will not always be moments to have a “breakthrough”. We must cling to the truth anyways.
The enemy will do whatever he can to deter you from this. He will even go as far as imitating our Creator. We must hold onto the truth and lean on people who can steer us back in the right direction when we falter (thank God for my team).
“Father, show me Your face.”
