So I’ve been traveling the world for 8 months, I’ve lived in 8 different countries, and I only have 3 months left. You’re probably wondering how I feel about that, right?
Well..
I feel… scared. Scared of going home. Scared of living in America. Scared that everything is different. Scared that I don’t know how to live the normal American life anymore.
I also feel a little bored. I know, it’s weird to say that but it’s true. It’s hard to find excitement now. I have seen so much, done so much.. what more is there? After a while, traveling is no longer exciting. Doing something different everyday is no longer fun. And doing things out of my comfort zone is no longer nerve-wracking.
I feel a little lonely. Yes, I live and do life with my team. But they will not be there when I go home.
I feel really, really tired. Tired all the time, honestly. It’s like no matter how much sleep I get, it is never enough. Tired of moving from place to place. Tired of trying to balance 6 hours of ministry, team time, cooking dinner, eating, feedback, quiet time, being present, loving my team well, but also applying for jobs, loans, taxes and registering for classes.. I also have to fit a shower in there somewhere.
I feel burnt out. Burnt out from preaching. Burnt out from giving my testimony. Burnt out from ministry in general. There are days when I SO BADLY just want to be poured into.. but I am consistently doing the pouring. I’m a missionary, and that is what we do. But even on Sundays when I want someone to preach to ME, I am asked to preach or give a testimony. It’s hard. Sometimes I feel as though I have nothing more to give.
I feel restless. We move from country to country, but we sometimes move 3 or 4 or even 5 times throughout the month because the ministry needs missionaries in villages and different cities within the country. I want one place to call home..
I feel annoyed. Annoyed from living in community 24/7. Annoyed because I have to share a bathroom, a room, a bed… community means sharing everything.
I feel all of these things because I am human. Yes, I know they are negative emotions. But just because I am a missionary does not mean I cannot feel. It does not make me a superhero who is never sad, overwhelmed, stressed, or just plain tired.
Here is a list of all the other things I am feeling:
Blessed. I cannot begin to explain to you how blessed I am. I also cannot begin to explain to you how blessed you are. There are kids in Africa literally eating dirt. There are families moving to the squatter camps of South Africa to find a job. There are families sleeping on muddy grounds, going days without eating or drinking. There are people who have never seen anything other than a bucket of ice cold water to shower with. I have lived life with these people. It is reality. We. Are. Blessed.
Confident. Over the last 8 months, I have slowly been finding my own identity in Christ. He has made me realize that I am indeed a daughter of God. He has given me qualities and characteristics that no one else in the world has. He has made me unique, with dreams and goals.
BOLD. Because I know who I am in Christ, I have received boldness. Sometimes I catch myself talking to a random stranger I just met with so much boldness I can barely recognize myself. I can now give a sermon at any given second and tell my testimony to a crowd of people with full confidence, because the Lord has given that to me. I know how to communicate. I know how to be vulnerable. I know how to apologize or take ownership over my mistakes. I know how to have hard conversations. He has given me this gift to further the Kingdom.
Joy. I can’t explain it.. All my life I have felt happiness. Happiness in the hospital, doing what I love in the environment I love. Happiness while petting my dog, Cody. Happiness while hanging with friends and family. Or playing soccer. Or being in nature. But on the race I have experienced joy. Joy in the Lord, something I cannot explain, only experience.
Vision. The past 8 months has been filled with so many visions from the Lord. He has given me visions about my future career.. confirmations that my passions are not from flesh, but from Him. He has given me visions of the future wife I want to become. And the future mother I one day want to be.
Gentleness. This is one of the characteristics of God I love the most. He is so gentle to us.. so kind. So loving. So caring. I have found a way to give that characteristic to those around me. It has changed the course of my life.
Experience! Boy, have I gone through some stuff… I can’t tell you everything I have experienced through a blog post. It is too much. But I have seen, felt, and gone through things that nothing else in the world could have given me apart from the World Race.
Courage. I feel as though I can do a lot of things I did not have confidence in before. If the Holy Spirit presses something on my heart, I WILL say yes. I have discovered the importance of that. I might be nervous or scared.. but He has given me courage and boldness to do whatever it is He has set before me and I will obey.
The World Race gives you a lot of emotions all at once. It’s hard. But it is also so, so good.
