When Expectations Meet Disappointment
Sometimes in Life your hardest critic is yourself. Today I got to meet him, and it wasn’t at a moment when I expected it. This afternoon we were given the introduction to the leadership for our squad. (Who I am happy to serve with as well believe with full confidence of their abilities to lead, direct, and follow where they sense the Lord is directing them.) The only thing is I wasn’t one selected.
This is what has put me in a funk today, and where I have been wrestling with God to help me find joy and celebration in. However, that’s been harder to do and stems from a performance-based life. God has shown me the root of this attack and it goes back to every single aspect of my life to this point from spelling Bee’s, grades, sports, my job in the military, and now to this thing called leadership.
I have never claimed to be the best at anything because I have never had the right to claim that. I have always had a desire and dream of being able to claim something to be a subject matter expert in. However, due to my own performance and work effort, I haven’t found that. Having something to be looked to for answers and looked up to as a role model is something I long for. So in wanting to achieve that I choose to do the military.
Being a warrior has always been on my heart, I have always been called to want to fight and protect people. I have always wanted to be the one who took the burdens and pain in place of others. It has been something God has written on my heart. It is something I’m still searching for as well. However, I haven’t achieved the performance level that I could be proud of for it. I have always wrestled with my motivation and drive. Asking myself why can’t I be better and it eventually saw me taking a long hard look at myself in disappointment. All I have seen in my life up to this point was sub-par performance and not being satisfied where I am at. So since 2015, I have been looking and striving to better myself. This year was a year where I really failed myself more with my performance. I wasn’t keeping myself in shape and was up and down through the performance of grades and everything else in life. I was lost making excuses and just mad at myself. I found myself taking a job in Miami to take a break from school, in hopes to jump start my desire for transformation.
That failed miserably, I just found myself under another measuring stick and this was a moment where I saw how truly far away I was from a life long dream. After Miami, I ended up attending a friends bachelor party in Nashville and was introduced to a man by the name of Jocko Wilink. He is a retired Navy Seal commander and has a podcast that deals with leadership and the many levels of it. This is where I began a fight of changing myself. I wanted to pursue God more, sought to gain things from reading more books, working out, and listening to Podcasts on many things to increase my performance level. For a time it seemed to work. I had a new drive and was making grounds in understanding what a Leader looked like, and even had a fire for Brazilian Ju-Jitsu. Which is a beautiful sport! I thought to myself I am finally making strides. However, that was not the case no matter what I did and what I pursued it just felt like I was walking through quicksand and couldn’t see any improvement for myself.
So now here I am on the race, and being shown more things for where I need to improve on from my walk, communication, serving, spiritual gifts, and to me, the list seems endless but most of all my Leadership skills. If you had asked me if I would be put into a leadership role before I left I would have said for sure. However that has not been the case, and the Spirit prepared me for that in Japan. He told me to be ready not to be used in that capacity. At that moment I was like: “yeah for sure I will be okay with that.” However, after this month when I was seeing growth and change I was giving myself the expectation I would be chosen. Through that was when I was met with disappointment and attack from the Flesh today. It doesn’t need to be there, I was given scripture and words that spoke truth and revealed to me some of the struggles.
1. although not selected as a leader for something, I still have an important role in the team. I’m gonna be supportive, serving, caring, loving as his greatest command. Asking for power and wisdom to honor each other as David before Saul.
2. Rejoice like always, because we aren’t rejoicing by something we’ve done, but someone we are. (don’t rejoice because evil spirits obey you; rejoice because your names are registered in heaven. Luke 10:20 )
3. The only feedback that we want to hear is our God saying “Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together! ’ (Matthew 25:21)
This was the truth that I needed to pray into and allow for my thoughts to be held captive by.
So Right now this is what I am struggling with and what was revealed. I have been wrestling all afternoon with this. So help me fight this coming month with prayers. I am going into this next month with the Word Healing for our squad. Physically, Spiritually, Emotionally, and even family healing.
My Worship song for this month is: Fill ME UP-by Casey J
My prayers for this month I will put in another blog.
Hope guides me: may God uproot this in full so that He is my only expectation.
