So a squadmate sent me an email and at the end of it these questions sat
Ok now, how is your month going? How is being a team leader grown you/frustrated you/encouraged you…etc…etc…? Just let me know how you're doing… where your head/heart is at!
As a responded I figured it would probably just be a great idea to let you all know what is going on in me. Where I'm at and what I said in response. So, here you go. And Melissa Friesen, thanks for the timely questions. The paragraphs are a little disjointed, but the ideas get across.
Well, my month started off in a rather dry place emotionally and spiritually. It took getting out of that to recognize it for what it was. This month I am fasting from social media and talking to people back home and it's a pretty busy month at home. The Lord told me I had been avoiding confronting stuff by spending time on facebook or talking with people and that it was time to start handling it and not postponing. So I said ok. In that time he has reminded me a lot about how I used to love and care for people. How I used to be extremely deliberate with people and care for them more with my words and actions. How I used to really get to know people and let people know me and I'm not really doing that. He showed me that in the past I would spend time with people even when I didn't want to but knew that person wanted to or needed it. He has really made light of a lot of protection I set up for myself. And now he's asking me to care for people in those ways again. To open my heart up and let him use those areas again so people can feel his grace, love, and nurturing through them. It's easy to love from a place where you haven't been hurt before. It means so much more to love from where you've been hurt. It requires abandonment and compassion, but more importantly real love to love from that place. Everything in you says don't. Everything in you reminds you of that time or times you got hurt. But then you remember it's worth it. You remember this person needs it. You remember it's not about you.
All of this started from wanting to better understand what intimacy with the Lord looks like and doesn't look like. What he made intimacy to be and what he didn't. What I should expect from him in that area and what expectations I've created that aren't from him. And, as a result, what I've tried to satisfy from people outside of him because I thought he should satisfy them. At the end of the day, it's about being known. That's the one big thing that I've really discovered. Intimacy is about being known, honest, and raw with Jesus then letting him care, nurture, and touch those areas. It's not one sided, though, which I slip into. I've liked to talk about my heart without really asking for his. So I've started doing that this month. He has an opinion! Really, he does. His opinion will be deeper than any thought or solution you ever will.
The turning point of exhaustion was Tuesday morning. I woke up just agitated for really know reason. I was tired of feeling BLAH and whatnot so I said enough is enough. Went to prayer and decided that I would stay there until I figured out what was causing it. Ultimately it was just a deeply rooted disdain for how I wasn't being a better man of God. How I have people in my life that I aspire to not because they are put together but because their hearts are in the right place. The absence from back home this month has amplified friendships I miss, including ones I haven't maintained while out on the race. I looked at those friendships and saw that these men I admire and care for have two main qualities 1. they love the Lord with all their heart, mind, soul, and strength; and 2. care about people's, friends', etc holiness way more than how those people think of them. They really understand Jesus' model and heart and want to call people into consistency with that.
So with all of this said, team leading is going…? I like it for sure, but I need to remember that I'm just as equal a member of this team as anyone else. I have added responsibilities but first and foremost I need to create an environment conducive to healthy community playing out. That doesn't mean I create an agenda where I fix everything that I think need improving. That doesn't mean I have 5 one on ones every week. That doesn't mean I'm everything to everyone. That means I create a way for people to fulfill those areas themselves by encouraging them in areas of strength and weaknesses. I do need to make sure that people are being cared for, but I'm not always the one who is to do the caring.
It's caused me to sit back and have less structure. That was my biggest thing. I've had many people speak over me that I'm a man of influence before I started team leading, and so I've come to accept that means my influence is in what people see me do not in what I ask of them. It has shown me that we have a sever problem within Christian culture where we say we are going to do something or that we want to do something but then don't actually do it. Why not just not say it, but instead do it? So that's what I'm focusing on. Less saying, more doing, and accepting the both verbal and non-verbal authority the Lord has blessed me with. I've eased tension off myself, and reminded me that leadership isn't about structure and order, our small group oriented churches have just made it that way. Trying to figure out what leadership means as a constant trait, not a temporary title.
So that's where I'm at. Hope you enjoyed!!!
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