About a month ago a friend told me to write out how I felt confirmation with the race because I was experiencing some serious trepidation at the time. When I thought about it, I couldn’t give a specific instance that stood out. God had told me to make a decision with this trip and stick with it, so I had done that. This didn’t give me any sense of confirmation, just commitment. As people stepped up saying they’d support me, it was nice, but didn’t completely feel like confirmation. It just felt like what it was. Support.
So as I continued to look more into why I couldn’t label this moment or that moment as a form of confirmation I kept going back to that time in which I decided to go. When I felt like God asked me to commit. That got me to do a lot of reflecting, and this is what God revealed to me.
Over the past six or seven months, since about January or so, God has been shifting my discernment process. For a while I focused on interacting with God on an emotional level. I would respond to God because I believed He motivated me emotionally. Sometimes this worked well, other times I misinterpreted these emotions and responded in a poor way. People I had spoken with about this form of discernment cautioned me with its use, but I still felt pretty solid with it. I wouldn’t make decisions in secret, but instead with community and discussion. Ultimately, how my emotions directed me at the end of that discussion/discernment process, I followed.
The problem that would eventually arise (and did with the race) was when my emotions shifted after I made that decision, after I followed where I felt God was leading me via my emotions. When things got difficult, or uncomfortable, or just different. Not necessarily a negative emotion, but just a change. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t feel firm and I didn’t feel certain. I would recoil and hide.
As I considered why, and went to the Lord in prayer over the past few weeks, God made it very clear to me that I used my emotions as my guide so I could control what I got myself into and, more importantly, protect myself. Because people had hurt me I wanted to make sure my steps were taken with control and heed. But, more importantly, I assigned these human failures to God as well. Saying that God had failed me since He placed these people in my life and they had hurt me. So, to protect myself from pain, I went with what felt best to me, rather than trusting God by laying my emotions to the side. God promises us joy when we do His work, but I thought I could do a better job than He could. And, at times I believed this joy would come with too much cost or pain.
When I accepted the race, I very much know I did it because I knew what it offered. It offered me 11 months, in 11 countries, doing mission work. It was reliable. I could trust it. If I turned it down and stayed in Austin, I didn’t know what activities the Lord would invite me to. It was less reliable.
So I sat, worried that the Lord would ask me to leave the race as a form of obedience and evidence that I now trust Him. Or at least will do my best to move down that path. As I prayed, God made it known to me that I have struggled with trust in the past, but that Jesus already paid for me not listening and not following him. He didn’t need to strip me of the race as a punishment or some form of penance. Instead, He just wants me to trust Him through this process. And, it’s a better place to be.
When I had decided to accept the race based on some emotional comfort generated from a year-long itinerary, it was nice. But when I got worried and thought “maybe I don’t want to do this” the thought of “well God told me to do what I want” popped back into mind and quitting became possible. God made it clear to me that my wants will change, even as I become more like Christ and have God sanctify me. That’s part of the process. My wants aren’t always trustworthy/reliable but God is.
Now that I am here, now that I am trusting God, those emotional sways don’t dictate my commitment to this trip. Instead, I acknowledge them, enjoy them if they are good and thank the Lord for them, or process and ask the Lord to handle them if they are negative. I root my stability and commitment to the race in the Lord, not in me. I will continue to change. He will not. I worship a God of clarity and emotions are rarely that.
So I am going. Because God has asked me to and He has made it known that I really know nothing about this trip. He wants me to trust him in this. And, to be real, the world offers a lot less comfort and reliability than staying in Austin does. Even though I know where I am going, I don’t know what I will do or encounter. That requires a lot more trust (for me) than living in Austin for another year. Where I’ve been for the past 23. He will test me, the people around me will test me, the people I interact with will test me. But it’ll all be good. Because all things work together for my good.
