Volatile: the one word that would adequately describe the last 35 days on the race. My feet have touched down in five separate countries, I’m on my third separate team, twice I’ve spent 60+ hours traveling between counties, I’ve spoken three separate languages, and I’ve moved from finance to team leader. Needless to say I’ve experienced a little (read: a lot) of change.
One of the things I made a conscious decision on, and was encouraged to do by a few ex-racers, was go deep fast both at the start of the race and whenever team changes occurred. Not only would it help grow the group and me more, it would let other people feel like they could go deep, be vulnerable, air their dirty laundry too. So, be willing to make that step and trust that both the Lord would take care of me after I got over that I-can’t-believe-I’m-about-to-say-this hump and that my team would follow with or directly after.
I also thought this would help me act more natural. See, I’ve come to realize that I tend to shell up when I get to new places. I think it’s normal. We all have our defenses, we all want to make sure we put our best foot forward first and often, and we want to prove ourselves. Or, at least I do. And so I believed this would remedy that. If I’m willing to air my stuff or not hide the things I don’t want people to see, I’ll be able to act more of myself. I won’t have to hold some bravado against the guys or worry about being humorous or charming around women. Instead, I’ll just be myself.
So in Thailand, I did that. In Thailand I aired my stuff. I discussed with the guys difficulties I’ve had in past relationships; how I’ve found validation in people, often women before; how I tend to shy away from the spot light when someone who is more muscular than me enters the room; how I don’t feel intelligent; how ultimately I need to make up for the confidence I don’t have. I laid out my insecurities. The things that make me feel inadequate, useless, unnecessary. The reasons why people shouldn’t love me.
After we got past the first few nights of feedback/team time (it’s where we give positive and constructive encouragements and discuss issues we are dealing with personally), things felt more natural. I didn’t feel like I had to force my sharing anymore but instead could open up without worry. Everyone else did as well. The first two weeks went by and I remained open with what was going on.
Then one night Scott pulled me aside and asked, “why aren’t you acting yourself?”
“What do you mean? I’m open, honest, vulnerable.”
“You’re not acting goofy. The way you did with our old team. What’s going on?”
He referenced a few funny moments from the first three months to drive the point home then told me that I wasn’t and probably wouldn’t do the same things around the guys. At least right now.
As I thought about it the Lord took me to Ephesians 3: 14-21 where Paul prays for spiritual strength. He explains in a whole bunch of different ways up to this point how the Lord loves us. How he has fought for us. How he has adopted us. And both 16 and 18 writes that we should let this be the source of our strength (read: confidence). Instead of telling you to put on something, or do something, or trying to create some environment that lets you feel safe, he says rest in what the Lord has done for you. Do nothing but accept this. You do not need to work. Jesus told me that his yoke is easy and burden is light.
And working is what I had been doing. I had been trying to create this environment that let me feel safe to let me be who I am. I had bound myself to the feeling of comfort. I needed comfort to be present so I could. I needed comfort to be me.
I didn’t enjoy status quo changes because it made me start from scratch again. Well, how about instead of starting from scratch with every new season, I start in the Lord now and never have to worry about needing comfort to act myself again. At the end of the day I wasn’t searching for comfort I was searching for the ability to be who I really am. To be accepted, to be loved, to find joy and not labor in who I am and how the Lord created me.
So, instead of pursuing comfort or instead of saying “I just can’t be myself because I don’t feel safe (read: comfortable) in this environment,” pursue Jesus and his strength; our confidence. You’ll be a heck of a lot more confident, and sometimes comfortable, but more often yourself.
Here are a few verses about why we should have confidence because of Jesus
There is no condemnation for us (Romans 8:1)
We may approach God with freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3:12)
We have the promise of life (2 Timothy 1:1)
We become God’s children (Galatians 3:26)
We are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
We can never be separated from God’s love (Romans 8:39)
We can approach God’s throne and walk with confidence (Hebrews 4:16)
One of the things I made a conscious decision on, and was encouraged to do by a few ex-racers, was go deep fast both at the start of the race and whenever team changes occurred. Not only would it help grow the group and me more, it would let other people feel like they could go deep, be vulnerable, air their dirty laundry too. So, be willing to make that step and trust that both the Lord would take care of me after I got over that I-can’t-believe-I’m-about-to-say-this hump and that my team would follow with or directly after.
I also thought this would help me act more natural. See, I’ve come to realize that I tend to shell up when I get to new places. I think it’s normal. We all have our defenses, we all want to make sure we put our best foot forward first and often, and we want to prove ourselves. Or, at least I do. And so I believed this would remedy that. If I’m willing to air my stuff or not hide the things I don’t want people to see, I’ll be able to act more of myself. I won’t have to hold some bravado against the guys or worry about being humorous or charming around women. Instead, I’ll just be myself.
So in Thailand, I did that. In Thailand I aired my stuff. I discussed with the guys difficulties I’ve had in past relationships; how I’ve found validation in people, often women before; how I tend to shy away from the spot light when someone who is more muscular than me enters the room; how I don’t feel intelligent; how ultimately I need to make up for the confidence I don’t have. I laid out my insecurities. The things that make me feel inadequate, useless, unnecessary. The reasons why people shouldn’t love me.
After we got past the first few nights of feedback/team time (it’s where we give positive and constructive encouragements and discuss issues we are dealing with personally), things felt more natural. I didn’t feel like I had to force my sharing anymore but instead could open up without worry. Everyone else did as well. The first two weeks went by and I remained open with what was going on.
Then one night Scott pulled me aside and asked, “why aren’t you acting yourself?”
“What do you mean? I’m open, honest, vulnerable.”
“You’re not acting goofy. The way you did with our old team. What’s going on?”
He referenced a few funny moments from the first three months to drive the point home then told me that I wasn’t and probably wouldn’t do the same things around the guys. At least right now.
As I thought about it the Lord took me to Ephesians 3: 14-21 where Paul prays for spiritual strength. He explains in a whole bunch of different ways up to this point how the Lord loves us. How he has fought for us. How he has adopted us. And both 16 and 18 writes that we should let this be the source of our strength (read: confidence). Instead of telling you to put on something, or do something, or trying to create some environment that lets you feel safe, he says rest in what the Lord has done for you. Do nothing but accept this. You do not need to work. Jesus told me that his yoke is easy and burden is light.
And working is what I had been doing. I had been trying to create this environment that let me feel safe to let me be who I am. I had bound myself to the feeling of comfort. I needed comfort to be present so I could. I needed comfort to be me.
I didn’t enjoy status quo changes because it made me start from scratch again. Well, how about instead of starting from scratch with every new season, I start in the Lord now and never have to worry about needing comfort to act myself again. At the end of the day I wasn’t searching for comfort I was searching for the ability to be who I really am. To be accepted, to be loved, to find joy and not labor in who I am and how the Lord created me.
So, instead of pursuing comfort or instead of saying “I just can’t be myself because I don’t feel safe (read: comfortable) in this environment,” pursue Jesus and his strength; our confidence. You’ll be a heck of a lot more confident, and sometimes comfortable, but more often yourself.
Here are a few verses about why we should have confidence because of Jesus
There is no condemnation for us (Romans 8:1)
We may approach God with freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3:12)
We have the promise of life (2 Timothy 1:1)
We become God’s children (Galatians 3:26)
We are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
We can never be separated from God’s love (Romans 8:39)
We can approach God’s throne and walk with confidence (Hebrews 4:16)
