The devil has been hitting my team hard. We’ve all been struggling not only with personal issues but with issues together as well.
Those of you who know me know that I’m generally not the most open person when it comes to sharing my feelings. I’m the type of person who keeps things bottled up and doesn’t ever let them out. This has been a huge struggle for me in my first month on the race.
I’ve realized that I’m comparing myself to my teammates which is not healthy at all. I’ve always had a lot of self-esteem issues and haven’t ever been super confident in myself. In our first few weeks, the devil was telling me that I’m not as good as my teammates or that I’m not as pretty or that I shouldn’t be here. The sad thing is that I was letting him do it and letting it get to me. I was beginning to believe the lies Satan was telling me.
I became obsessed with how I looked and worrying about how my teammates saw me. My general thoughts and actions became all about my appearance. I would look in all the mirrors and make little comments or play with the bottom of my shirt wondering if I should’ve even brought it. It was over-powering.
My team tries to have intentional team time every night, but one night during team time we did an activity called the Hot Seat. We got the idea from our squad mentor Stacy and wanted to put it into practice. The idea is that each person takes a turn in the hot seat and everyone else gives both positive and negative feedback. It was a great experience for my team because we finally got to really open up to each other about our frustrations and about what we love about each other. We also shared feedback for ourselves. My feedback for myself had to do with loving myself more. In that moment, they all affirmed to me that what I was feeling was not from the Lord and needed to be gone.
My teammates told me to say something positive about myself anytime I was thinking something negative. It’s something I’m still struggling with, but it’s getting better.
On our second night of debrief, our squad had a time of worship on the roof of our hostel. It was the most beautiful experience. One of the most powerful worship sessions I’ve been a part of. After we worshipped, Stacy (squad mentor) spoke about vulnerability. She is such a great speaker, and I felt like the message really spoke to me. She invited us to all be open and vulnerable and share anything that was on our hearts. While I didn’t share, other people shared similar things to what I’d been feeling.
Comparison and not feeling worthy was a common theme among the women on my squad. I think I can safely say that there were more women feeling it but who didn’t share. It was a relief of sorts to know that I wasn’t the only one feeling these things; however, I don’t want any of the women on my squad to feel this way. I myself don’t want to feel this way.
When we were sharing all these things after worship, I wasn’t feeling like it was my time to really speak up, but I’m so glad that these other women did. I find comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one struggling with these thoughts.
This month is all squad month in Ecuador, and I am so excited to have our squad reunited for this time together. I really believe that the women on my squad can come together in this and really work on it together. These feelings don’t come from the Lord so being able to just be together and rejoice in the fact that we are worthy enough is going to be amazing.
