My first REAL blog #finally

Basically, up to this point of being accepted to the WR, I have been absolutely terrified to write on this blog. When my mobilizer explained the blog to me, all I could think was just no no no no. I journal a lot, pen and paper of course. But my desire is definitely not for anyone to see and to know me in such a way. To let another human into my very personal and vulnerable place that only God and I share seemed offensive.

Everyday I sit here looking at my 2 sad little fundraising entries and then another 15 minutes staring at this empty white box. The blinking text cursor seems so daunting. Putting something so intimate as my heart out their for the cyber world to devour seems invasive. It speaks to everything I oppose and opens up and exposes every insecurity I relentlessly attempt to cover. I’m confident that I could write a blog solely on writing a blog lol. BUT, that is not my agenda today. Today is as good a day as any to conquer fears. So, lets get started.

 

 

Here is a summary of where I’m at 17 days out from training camp.

When I first got accepted to the WR, I thought that fundraising would be the most radical thing I have done thus far in trusting God. Oddly enough, I have felt very confident in His ability to provide financially. If you know me at all, that is a surprising statement. I have always been very self-reliant. I like to depend on myself because it gives me a sense of control. Knowing this about myself, I knew that I wanted and NEEDED to leave this way of thinking behind for the race. My desire is to grow and trust in Christ more fully. That is why the WR seemed so appealing to me. Truly having to leave everything and everyone behind to follow Him. It all seems so adventurous and its easy to romanticize growing in your faith. The fact is, many times God uses our struggles to draw us in and closer to Him. He allows us to feel pain as a means of shaping us into who He has designed us to be. This is by far, the hardest thing I have gone through in my spiritual walk.

I attempted to form a support team. I thought that if I surrounded myself with people who will encourage me, point me to Christ, comfort me, tell me where my value belongs, love on me, pursue me, speak wisdom into my life, and believe in what I am doing, then I would be able to do this. I would be able to overcome the lies that I tell myself of how I am not good enough for this. My doubts of how I could be used for something like the WR? My fears and anxieties. My insecurities and worries. They would be able to rejoice with me and shed tears with me. 

The past 2 weeks have been the hardest emotionally. I have felt so alone. I couldn’t understand why I was experiencing so much loneliness and emptiness. I couldn’t understand why all my relationships and my inner circles seemed to just be crumbling before me in my most vulnerable time. Why was no one scooping me up? Why was no one comforting my aching heart? Why was no one counseling and encouraging me? I was so exhausted. Can’t anyone see how much I need hope right now? Where did everyone go? I was counting on them. I even began to seek out people outside my inner circle and sought counsel through people in my church but I still felt so restless. I felt neglected and betrayed. I was angry and hurt. I felt misunderstood and was longing for someone to know my heart. I was fearful of leaving and everyone forgetting me and moving on with their lives I was afraid that when things became tough when I was gone I would have no one to be with me and get me through it.

After about the 5th breakdown this week, the Lord revealed something to me. The reason I feel no peace, no relief, and no comfort from anyone despite their best efforts to console me is because what I am searching for will NEVER be found in anyone on this earth. There is not a human being who will ever be able to make me feel ultimately whole. There is not one single person I will ever meet in my entire earthly life who will be able to make me feel total peace. Everything I had been needing and thirsting for could only be found in something that is the true definition of perfection and peace. The giver of life and the ultimate healer of hearts. My one true counselor. I had been making my relationships with people my ultimate. I will continue to feel disappointed and unsatisfied until I look to Christ to be my ultimate instead of my support team to get me through this next year. I hadn’t been crying out to God for these things, I had been crying out to every person around me instead. The only one who can truly satisfy and soothe my soul is Christ. It’s frustrating at times to see my heart revealed to me and know that I still at the core struggle with the same idols as I have my entire life. It’s also humbling and encouraging to know that I have a savior who covers me with grace, who welcomes me into His arms again and again despite me constantly falling short. Though the tangible relationships I have with people can be healing and are in fact gifts. They are just that. Gifts. To receive a gift, it must come from a source. Instead of praising the gift I must praise the giver of that gift.  No matter how encouraging, or how good the intentions of the people around me are, my only true satisfaction and contentment will come from Christ. No matter how much I am loved on this earth, He loves me exponentially more. He is where I find true rest. True belonging is found in Him alone. He knows my inner most thoughts, knows the unspoken longings, my very real fears. I serve a God who does not shy away and become uncomfortable by my tears. He welcomes me with open arms and dries my face. He holds me close and walks with me through pain. He understands fully the human experience. He has lived it and he empathizes. He not only validates my feelings but He has the ability to strengthen and drive me forward towards something better.

As I drive home, I am hit with this revelation. My music is on shuffle. One of my favorite artists, Ellie Holcomb, starts playing and though I’ve listened to her albums like hundreds of times, this particular song hits me hard in the feels. She has a way with words that ALWAYS feels like she cracked my brain right open and scooped out my thoughts, prayers, and tears and accompanies them to a beautiful melody that hits hard in my soul. So many points in my life, her poetic language have been my very own prayers. The songs speak gospel truths into my heart and mind at crucial points in my life. This time is no different.