For the past 4 months we have been in Asia. Our squad began month 5 in Malaysia, month 6 in Thailand, 7 in Cambodia, and currently 8 in the Philippines.
At this point in the race, I am absolutely exhausted. I’m exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If I’m being honest with you all, the past 4 months have been some of the most challenging. Community has been tough and Asia is a very dark place at times. I am surrounded by people constantly and yet can still feel desperately lonely. Some days I don’t even have the desire to go deeper with my team and just want to be left alone. I’ve wanted to go home more days than I’d like to admit. I’ve seen so much brokenness and been so disturbed that I have just been straight up angry with God for the injustice that’s in the world. My journal is scattered with these words trying to convince myself, “I know you are good but I can’t see the goodness!” There are so many days that I am just tired of pushing in and even days where I am literally having to remind myself why I decided to come on this trip in the first place.
There has been so much I have wanted to share with you all but felt as though I still needed to process it and have it all figured out so I can give you some kind of nice, neat, beautiful story about God’s redemption or some lesson I have learned. But, I figured I wanted to be vulnerable and say I really don’t have it figured out at this moment. I still feel this way sometimes. In my heart, I can feel that question that I’m too afraid to admit out loud, “Why does it all have to be so hard?”
The one thing that I am realizing is that all I have left to rely on is God’s word. That’s it. And sometimes that’s scary. I have to keep digging into what his word says and CLINGING to his promises and who he says that he is. Because, I have nothing left that’s of my own self to give. What I see in the world is not enough to give me hope. In fact, seeing the world does the exact opposite of give me hope.
I hope all of you feel the call on your life to Go and make disciples. Whether that is stateside to your neighbors or within the rural villages of Cambodia where no one speaks English for miles. I’m sitting here right now writing this with a worn down heart and a lot that I am still processing with the Lord. But I’m telling you if you do it long enough, the wonder and the adventure and the excitement will fade and you will be left with not much else other than your faith in Christ and the words He has given us. Everything else will fade. You won’t be able to rely on yourself anymore.
One of the greatest most painful gifts is to realize your desperate need for Christ. It’s painful to see the state of your own heart with all it’s pride and ugliness. But it is so so very sweet to give it over to him and say empty me of myself and make me more like you. This whole surrendering thing never stops. I have been truly beginning to understand a new meaning of the word perseverance. To continue believing that Jesus is worth it. It’s worth it to come to the end of yourself over and over and over again and see that Christ is still better each and every day.
Sending love your way,
Jordan
