The World Race is not what I expected.
I had no way of knowing that heat makes me grumpy or that giant cockroaches terrify me. I did not know how differently people can deal with their emotions. I didn’t realize that 17 girls could peaceably share one bathroom or that life can be uneventful in a foreign country.
I have found that, through the Race, God has created an environment that demands reality. I could not put on my best missionary face and get through it on a spiritual high. I was left to confront the ugly things in my heart and in my past. I thought that I would go on this trip and somehow be transfigured by serving others, but I found that my Savior had a different plan.
He had something bigger for me, something that would be messy, difficult, and unbearable at times. He knew that it would stretch me beyond my limits, that my brokenness would be exposed, and that I would not always get things right. And yet, His singular, outstanding message to me was this:
“I just want you.”
He whispered it to me on the night when we visited the bars, before I even set foot outside of the church. He romanced me with His wind, with vibrant skies and foamy seas. Time and time again, He reassured my heart before Him. When the pain of the world began to shut me down, tear me to pieces, and grow bitterness in my heart, He said to me, “I loved you at your darkest, and I love you now.”
The thing is,
It’s not about the mission trip.
It’s not about the things that I have done or the fears that have been conquered. Everything that has come as a result of following my Savior is part of the blurry background to His unquenchable love, a collection of extras in a cast of stars. God’s motive in bringing me on this trip was not so that I could do something for Him, but so that He could show His love to me. And I am completely, speechlessly in awe of His grace.
I am not a model Christian, if there is such a thing. I have things in my past that I regret. I am simply a daughter who is loved by a flawless King. And I implore you, whether you are reading this for the first time or you have supported my journey from the beginning, to choose into what He has for you. It may be something as crazy as a nine-month mission trip; it may be something completely different. It may require some trust that feels like risk or giving up a good thing. But this I leave with you:
It is unspeakably worth it.
