What happens to your view of God when the one thing you never want to happen, happens?
What do you do when you lose the person you can’t imagine living without?
Over the past 4 years of my life, I've realized the little box I had God in wasn’t big enough to stand up against the questions and challenges the real world isn't afraid to throw my way.
I think subconsciously we all hold on to these conditions…
“I’m ok with God and can trust Him as long as THIS doesn’t happen.”
“I’ll follow God as long as He doesn’t ask me to do THIS.”
But what happens when bad things happen to good people? What happens when your worst fears come true…more than once??
I’ll tell you what happens, our faith is forced into the light and you quickly see how authentic your relationship with Him really is…or isn’t.
The past four years have been filled with some of the biggest trials I’ve ever experienced…Grief, loss, addiction, darkness….it seemed like a never-ending series of things continually getting worse.
Through all of this, I saw that my relationship with Jesus has basically been one big joke. I realized that I didn’t love Him. Plain and simple.
I did not love Jesus.
I had always said that I loved Him. Because hello, I’m a Christian so obviously we love Jesus— duh. But saying it and actually feeling it/walking in it are two totally different things.
Just because I've been a Christian for 15 years, just because my dad is a pastor, just because I'm a good girl who says her prayers and does her daily quiet time… Those things didn't mean I was in love with Jesus or trusted Him at all.
About a year ago I got so burnt out on my with my hollow version of faith and my own will power that I finally realized and admitted,
“Lord, I don’t love you.”
Soon as those words came out of my mouth, I cringed and braced myself for the lightening bolt I was sure would strike me down that instant.
But instead of a lightening bolt, I heard a gentle voice simply say:
“I know you don’t love Me. But it’s ok… because I still love YOU.”
His response blew me away! How and why would He love me even though I didn't feel the same?? "His love must be the real deal" is what I thought to myself.
The Lord showed me in that moment the importance of being COMPLETELY real with Him…
My moment of raw honesty actually opened the door for me to see Him and feel His love in a way I never had before.
That moment of brutal honesty began a beautiful journey of truly getting to know my Savior by letting Him love me in all my imperfection, instead of hiding it from Him.
Since then, He has been purging my spirit, showing me areas I need to grow… Views I had of Him that weren’t accurate… areas that needed healing.
And through all this, you know what I’ve learned??
I’ve learned that ultimately God cares about my HEART more than my behavior.
I can be the best Christian in the world, do my bible study, serve in the church, say my prayers…Heck, I can even become a missionary travel the world and tell other people about Jesus….(BEHAVIOR).
But what does that matter if I never truly experience His love?
What does any of that matter if I don’t allow Him to completely transform my HEART and help me fall in love with Him??
Good behavior isn’t what gives me joy through the darkest moments in my life…It’s Him and His love.
A life of right behavior doesn’t give you joy unspeakable or peace that passes understanding…
It’s a heart that has been transformed by His love is what makes all the difference.
I can honestly say that now I am falling in love with Him in a true and authentic way, and it is AMAZING!! And let me just say, good behavior is a lot easier to achieve when it comes from an authentic overflow of the love inside your heart. 😉
He wants your heart, folks!
For me, the beginning of that process started by being completely honest with Him.
Don’t hold back, don’t hide.
I mean, He knows it all already anyways, right??
He just wants you to come to Him just as you are.
Be real with Him. Be real with yourself.
And then just let the love in 😉
Ezekial 36:25-27
"This is what the Sovereign Lord says:
I’ll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean.
I’ll give you a NEW HEART, put a new spirit in you.
I’ll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that’s God-willed, not self-willed.
I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands. You’ll once again live in the land I gave your ancestors.
You’ll be my people! I’ll be your God!"
