I’m on a new team, a co-ed team of three amazing God-fearing men and three beautiful inspiring ladies. I couldn’t be on a more fun and adventures team.
What a joy it’s been to fall in love with Thailand with such an awesome group. I am daily encouraged and challenged by each of them and excited to do Europe with them.
Let’a get real thoigh, this world is an uphill battle. Im half way through the Race, serving and loving the least of the lost, being discipled and molded.
While the pictures I post are admirable and each square on my Instagram portray that im exactly where most christians wish they were, “serving the kingdom.”
I struggle everyday. It’s a struggle living with my team. Staying focused and missionally minded. Sometimes I look at a tourist only here for two weeks and wish I was them.
Sometimes I just want to shove my bible to the bottom of my pack and not open it up until the next month. Some days I don’t want to talk to anyone, be asked any questions, or listen to anyone’s struggles.
I feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder, worried I’m not working fast enough or inspiring enough to get people’s admiration. I fear I’m going to loose my place in this race.
That I won’t quite be good enough to make the cut of acceptance. I overthink what others think of me and have the “what is wrong with me?” Thought on repeat.
I’ll never tell you that when I found Jesus I stopped struggling, and the selfishness went away. I struggled yesterday, im struggling right now, and I’ll struggle tomorrow.
My flesh is selfish and weak, and some days I allow it to win over my soul, but every time it was a choice. Everyday is a choice and luckily, even when I choose wrong, God doesn’t not choose me. He has never not chosen me and he never will in the future.
I’ll never fully recover from my sinful nature, my comparison, my perfectionism, but I’m fully redeemed. I’m saved from myself and when in active persuit of the Lord, gentleness and grace pour out of me on to others and onto myself.
I want to be known by people, i want to be loved for my imperfections and accepted for my thoughts. I used to live my life seeking that acceptance from individuals and was failed every time.
I was a complete basket-case running from guy to guy hoping to be saved and swooned by love. Well, I was let down every time. Drove people away because they couldn’t live up to my needy standards.
All the while, Jesus was trying to wave me down to tell me only He can meet those needy standards. Man will fail me every time I put my hope and trust in something other than the Lord.
Learning and loving to live in relationship with God and letting safe people into my messy space, takes all the load off. I’ve been able to have breakthrough moments of enjoying how God created me and the people around me.
The Lord had filled me up with so much confidence in who he has created me to be, and has used amazing people on my Squad to lift me up and call me out into leadership and boldness.
As I share these super vulnerable thoughts and words to all my readers, I prayed before writing this, that the Lord would meet you where you are at. Don’t be afraid to speak how you are feeling, cause 110% of the time you are not the only one.
It doesn’t matter if we are on top of the mountain, climbing it or just landed back down in The Valley. The struggle is real, but so is God and he is bigger and better and His presence always covers us.
Be real, be you, live loved.
Abba,
You take me in, you lead me out. Such a journey walking with you now. Thank you for choosing me even when I don’t choose you.
be blessed friends,
j
