I have been blessed to not have many fears. Probably too few, some would say. However, one thing that the Race has taught me is even one fear is too many, as we are taught to give our fears to God. I thought about the Boggart in Harry Potter, a creature that transforms into what your greatest fear is, and I tried to think of what mine would be.
Proverbs 29:25 says, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
The Bible talks about fear often, but rarely in the context that I wanted it to. I wanted it to provide an outline of how to go about conquering one's fears, but all it said was "trust in the Lord, give it to the Lord," or a variation thereof. The verse above was the closest thing I came to what I was searching for, and I found out that it was a how-to on how to conquer fear, but it said the same thing they all did. All you have to do is trust in the Lord.
I felt like "Fear of Man" could be interpreted in two ways. The first was obvious: being fearful of men and the things that they can do to you. Most people are afraid of those dark alleys. The second interpretation was "the fears of man." That is, things like snakes, heights, all of those types of things, and even the ones that are not literal.
So, for TLC (Teaching and Learning in Christ), I had my team identify what their fears are. For my own, I had four.
The fear of never finding something I'm truly passionate about.
I have plenty of interests, but I still haven't found that thing that makes me live and breathe. I'm sure that's disconcerting for parents to hear, but at least it's honest, and at least I'm searching while cultivating those interests I have.
The fear of being alone.
I think this is a fear most people share.
The fear of losing the improvements I've accrued on the Race.
I feel like I've changed so much, but there is the fear, if irrational, that I'll fall back into my old habits. I don't believe this will happen, but the fear remains.
The final is the fear of cockroaches.
Yep, it really is a fear. I don't think they're gross, I am truly afraid of them, or was. Now, I'd say I'm merely… wary. I woke up years ago one night with a cockroach literally on my chest, and it hissed at me! Ever since then they were more than just another bug, they were a malevolent vessel of evil bent on my destruction. I could pick up a rat with my bare hands, but I couldn't master my fear over a one inch bug.
After I told the team about my fear, and encouraged them to intentionally seek out their own fears in an effort to master them, it was time to put my money where my mouth was.
Our squatty potty has tons of cockroaches in it, big ones. And I've been so nervous to go in, much less at night, that I often… hold it in, to keep from going in there. Completely irrational, but all things concerning fear are. So, armed with headlamps and my entire team, I set off to the squatty potty, intending to touch or grab one of the cockroaches and show it I wasn't afraid of it. Erica was armed with a video camera, much to my chagrin, and the guys were offering… encouragement in the form of blunt statements like "just do it man."
It made me think of how different it would have been with my old team. Not worse, better if anything, but different.
But after trembling for longer than I care to admit, I let the thing crawl on my hand. I didn't really do much beyond that, just let it walk on my hand, but halfway through the ordeal, something dawned on me.
This was stupid.
Why am I scared of a bug I could literally kill with a bat of my hand? I quit trembling and began to just… endure it. To say I went so far as to enjoy the nasty thing crawling on me would be lying, but I wasn't afraid any more. Being fearful of something like a cockroach is foolish. Being afraid of anything with the love of the Lord in you is foolish.
If my fear of cockroaches is foolish, then my fear of not finding a passion is foolish, my fear of being alone is foolish, and my fear of losing the changes I've gained is foolish. The Lord is bigger than a cockroach, as am I. The Lord is something to be passionate about, and that can translate into all aspects of my life. The Lord is always with me, so I am never alone. As far as the changes being lost, that is up to me, but I am the man I want to be because of my own willpower and the encouragement of a community invested in my growth. And that, I discovered, is exactly what I have when I get back home.
Below is a poem by an old friend, concerning fear and how it starts in the mind, takes root in your heart, and finally is engrained in your very bones, making it much harder to dislodge.
The Mind's door creaks open for Fear,
And you grant it entry and respite,
It's lodging you permit and then grow fond,
Till its Heartroots exceed your own might.
Your Veins does Fear call its channels,
Your Marrow is vessel upon the seas,
Till that ship crashes intentionally upon the coral,
And your Bones soak in its evil by your Need.
I hope you take time to think of what your fears are, and work to intentionally pursue them, if possible. Trusting in God is the first step, and intentionally taking the second step is the second step.
