It finally hit me. Eleven months is a long time. You’d think that fact would be easy to understand, but it did a good job eluding me.
On the World Race, time is detached from reality. It’s meaningless, and yet it is everything. A week at training camp or debrief feels like a month; a month at your ministry contact feels like a year, and an 11-month total duration feels like a lifetime. Yet, simultaneously all these feel like scant moments that pass before our eyes like a blink.
So far, I’ve been mostly impervious to the struggles regarding time that naturally occur on a trip of this duration. Thoughts like, “Ugh, we have x more months of this,” “Why am I here?” or “I’m wasting time!” hadn’t affected me.
Until now.
Today was hard, and for no evident reason. Today was indistinguishable from yesterday, and most likely no different than tomorrow, but today I caved. I was done. I didn’t care about the ministry, the children, prayer, singing, or fellowship. I was burnt out. I was bereft of any desire to continue. My efforts in the large scheme of things seemed irrelevant, meaningless.
Doubt seeped in like water through a ceiling, ruining the carpet foundation below. “There are a million things I could be, should be, doing instead of the Race: finishing college, finding a job, settling down. Quitting would be so easy, it’s just a phone call and a plane ride. I could justify it.”
I probably could.
“This isn’t what I signed up for,” is one of AIM’s favorites.
“I didn’t expect it to be so… spiritual.”
“Some days are without ministry; I’m wasting time.”
“World Racers do weird things, and come from weird spiritual backgrounds that make me uncomfortable.”
“They expect too much, or the wrong things.”
“Team dynamic just wasn’t working, and leadership was uncompromising.”
Before you start worrying, how about an abrupt change of pace?
Family is the greatest thing in the world, and something I’ve overlooked my whole life. I’m extremely blessed to be born into a thoroughly Christian family who loves me, supports me, understands what I’m doing and doesn’t question it, or offer quitting as an option. They are there for me when I need them most.
They spoke Life into me (a World Race phrase) over e-mail, in response to my e-mail entitled “I Need Help.”
I don’t exalt them because it’s what they would want, truthfully they would be averse to it.
I exalt them because they deserve it.
And I’m sure if I had addressed the e-mail to any of you, you would have responded in-kind, and for that I’m extremely appreciative. Many of my colleagues are not so fortunate; they are without much support at home.
“Quitting shouldn’t be considered as an option; few people get the privilege of quitting when things get tough… either in a job they don’t like, a marriage, taking care of a dependent parent or handicapped child… I believe this is one of the most important things you might be meant to learn throughout this 11-month journey. That you are strong and can endure tough times… and tough time make us realize that we need help that is bigger than ourselves.”
“Take your camera and let it be your focus and vision. Take pictures of everything, but mostly of the children. And then look at what you have captured. See their smiles and their antics and their innate joy. It doesn’t matter that there are a million more of them. It is fine to be overwhelmed by your inadequacy to do anything to change their stars.”
“I understand how you could feel disaffected or jaded by just another "sob story" when there are a million other starving, homeless, disabled, and/or abused children in the world. None of us can help all of them. However, just because there are millions more does not make your efforts with just 1 any less noble or worthwhile.”
“At this moment you are there with [the children]. Embrace them, play with them, roll in the dirt with them, let them teach you to count to ten, let them laugh as they correct you, let them know that someone cares. Touch God’s children and they will never forget you and you will not have wasted a single moment of this trip or of yourself.”
“Surely you did not begin this journey thinking you would never feel homeless, helpless, or over the whole experience. See it out. It will be worth it all, even the hard parts.”
“Even at 50, you cannot avoid disappointment, betrayal, isolation, heartbreak, but over time you realize that those times and those emotions allow you to celebrate and recognize good times: loving, loyal people and other blessings.”
“I know you can get through this. I am as anxious as you to greet you at the airport and cry with happiness at your return. But now is not that time. You have more yet to do.”
"You have the opportunity to grow in your faith, trust in someone much bigger than yourself, experience a totally different life experience in these 11 months, and come back to your real life a better, broader-minded person with knowledge, opinions and beliefs based on real experiences…..versus what someone told you."
“You are doing an incredible thing. All of us are proud of you and believe in you.”
The World Race, for demanding Racers to have no expectations, has many of us.
Sometimes these expectations transform into pressure. Pressure to walk a certain way, talk a certain way, or pray a certain way.
Charismatic worship and actions is not the right way or wrong way to walk, it’s just a way to walk. All routes lead to the same place. Group-think is a powerful thing, and it can be overwhelming when you resist changing statutes you’ve believed in your whole life.
There is usually nothing wrong with compromise in a situation, but compromising yourself in a situation is another story completely.
All Racers have moments like this, and truthfully mine’s coming late. I feel like it’s hitting me hard because I’ve been avoiding it for months. I was not raised a quitter, nor was I taught to place no value on my word or the commitments I make. I made a commitment to 11 countries in 11 months.
I’ll see you at Hartsfield-Jackson in seven months.
