Do you want to get well? A question my pastor asked us in church one Sunday morning that struck me to the core. It was 4 weeks ago that he asked us this question, the morning after I had returned home from training camp, and it is something that has been weighing on my heart ever since.
It was my first day back after a week of World Race training down in Georgia. Training camp was more incredible and more challenging than I could have ever imagined. I got to meet the 46 people I will be calling my family for the next year of my life, and specifically, the team of 5 incredible women of God who I will be spending day-in and day-out with, as we live and grow in community together. That one week in Georgia was filled with so much joy and laughter and growth. For the first time in my life I felt fully engulfed in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I danced, I cried, I shouted out with joy. I rejoiced in my savior and where He had placed me in that very moment. I learned more about myself and about who I am in the Lord. About baggage I had been carrying around that I didn’t even know I had. I gained 46 new brothers and sisters and had a life changing experience.
That would be a great place to stop this story. End on a happy note: I am better, stronger and ready to surrender this next year to the Lord… But that’s not where this story ends.
After an amazing week of excitement and eagerness to spread God’s kingdom, I found myself at the last day of training camp. My squad and I had just finished a high-energy evening of “squad wars” (games between all four groups of racers who would be launching in July on different routes). Adrenaline was pumping through my veins and I felt invincible in the presence of God and my strong team. Then, one of the staff members got on the microphone and revealed to us some of the logistics of our trip that had been long anticipated, one of which being the official date we would have to arrive at launch: June 30th.
In that moment my heart sank. All of the color drained from my face and the electricity that I was feeling was instantly replaced by a numbing fear. June? I knew we were leaving sometime in July, and granted I know June 30th is only one day before July, but just hearing the word June made everything seem so soon. Suddenly this was all real. It was all happening, and happening fast!
I walked back to the campsite, and as others continued to laugh and begin to plan out what they would need before launch, I sat in the grass paralyzed. June 30th. That was in 38 days (at the time we heard the news. Now that number has shot down to only 4). What am I doing here? Am I really ready to leave behind everyone I love and all my comforts for 11 months? 38 days isn’t enough time to say goodbye! I haven’t read enough of my bible! I don’t know enough to go and be sent out! I’M NOT READY!
This panic stayed with me as I tried to fall asleep that night in my tent. I prayed for peace. I asked God to remind me that I was being called: to assure me that I was ready. I began asking myself: Jordan, why are you here? Why are you going on this journey?
This was the answer: I’m here because I want to be changed. I want to grow in my relationship with the Lord and allow Him to lead me and work in me; to give Him 100% of myself. I’m here because I want to serve my savior and expand His kingdom throughout the nations.
For so long I have been living in the comfort of my brokenness. I have recognized areas of pain and hurt in my life, areas of disobedience and areas where I would do the bare minimum to meet the criteria of what I thought it meant to be “a Christian”. It had become more about the appearance, and in attempts to grow in my actual personal relationship with Jesus I had simply become apathetic. I had given up on trying to hear His voice. Given up the idea of waiting on His guidance because it had become so easy to just take control of my own life and take matters into my own hands. I thought I had pretty good judgment. I was sure my choices were probably just as wise as His. Weren’t they?
I remember making the decision that I was ready for a change on the day I applied for The World Race, but in the moment that I heard June 30th, I simply forgot all of that.
That is until the morning after returning home from training camp , sitting in church alone on that Sunday morning, when the pastor started his sermon with this simple question: Do you want to get well?
He spoke about John chapter 5 and the story about the healing at the pool. In this story Jesus travels to Jerusalem, and there in Jerusalem it was said that there was a pool and every day this pool would be stirred by an angel and the first one who entered its waters would be healed. Therefore, every day the blind, the lame and the paralyzed would congregate around this pool, waiting for their turn to be healed. As Jesus approached the area, he noticed a man who was an “invalid”, sitting off to the side of the pool on a mat, who had not moved from that spot in 38 years — Side note: can you even IMAGINE being disabled and unable to move from the same spot in 38 YEARS?? The text says:
“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked Him, ‘Do you want to get well?’
‘Sir,’ the invalid replied, ‘I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.’
Then Jesus said to him, ‘Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.’ At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.” (John 5:6-9)
At first you may think it was insensitive for Jesus to ask this man if he wanted help; Taunting almost. Of course he wanted help, who wouldn’t want to be helped? But think about it. This man had been sitting in the same place for 38 years and had never moved. He said every day he would watch as people passed him by to be healed. Would you say after 38 years this man’s confidence had been shattered? That there is the possibility that he may have simply thrown in the towel? That he not only no longer thought that he would find help, but that he didn’t even want it anymore? That he had become comfortable in his brokenness?
Notice, Jesus did not ask this man, “Do you need help?” He asked him if he wanted it. If he had the desire to be healed and the faith to believe that Jesus could heal him.
Jesus was saying to this man, “I will not carry you. I want you to get up and walk.” And that’s what he said to me in that moment. “Get up and GO. Serve my people. Leave the comfortable; the familiar.”
He told me, “For the first time in 22 years I want you to have the courage to give up control and step away from what you know; from your comfortable brokenness. I want you to have the courage to want to get better.”
The pastor explained that you cannot change what you’re willing to tolerate, and that you can’t help someone who needs help, only someone who wants help. That Jesus does not want to hear my excuse of why I am broken. He wants to see my faith in believing that He can heal me.
That Sunday morning I made the decision to stop making excuses and start walking in faith. To refuse to tolerate my brokenness any longer. That I don’t just need to be changed, but that I want to be changed. And that I am ready to get up. To pick up my mat and to start fulfilling the life that Jesus has laid out for me.
I want to go where the Lord has called me. I want my comfortable life to be shattered and built back up in the image God created me in. I do want to get well. I do want to spend the next 11 months on this journey.
It is now only 4 days before I am back down in Georgia, preparing to launch for the Race (and only 3 until I leave my home to travel down there). Although for the past month and for the remaining 4 days, I have and will be making the most of my time with my loved ones and soaking up their love: I will be ready when June 30th hits. I will be excited and so full of joy that it radiates from my very being. Why? Because I know God chose this for me. That His plans will always be better than my plans. And that through this journey He will make me well. Not because I need to be well, but because I want to be.
If anything I have said resonates with you, please feel free to reach out to me by commenting below, or messaging me on Facebook. Also, if you feel God is speaking to your heart and calling you to be a part of this journey with me, please prayerfully consider supporting me by clicking the “support me” tab on the left hand side of the screen.
Love you all!
You don’t believe me when i say
the one you knew was blind
but Jesus told me He’s the light
and Jesus healed my eyes
Oh but I’m better now
Why do you shake your head no?
Oh and i met a man
oh and he saved my soul
