Change is the only constant on the World Race. From one month to the next, nothing is as familiar as the feeling of disorientation. At times, it can become easy to be disillusioned by the “new”. Being consistently bombarded by new cultures, new languages, new foods, and new living styles costs me my ability to find comfort in the ways I’m used to.
Asia has done this over and over to me. For the past four months, I’ve battled my own frustrations with the life here, wishing I could return to the familiar comforts of American life. Even in our time in Latin America, I was met with some familiar comforts, having spent most of my life with a familiarity and fondness for the culture. In Asia, I entered in with no idea what to expect. I didn’t know if I would want to embrace or reject the “new” if it was too uncomfortable for me. I didn’t know if I would really connect with the people in the way I wish I could. I didn’t know if I would ever truly feel “at home” in Southeast Asia.
But something remarkable happened in Southeast Asia. I changed.
Within four months of living in completely foreign cultures, in countries with languages that made it impossible to communicate, in environments that tested my patience and endurance, I became a different person.
See, what made Asia such a struggle, I learned, had less to do with Asia itself, and more to do with me. I entered in wanting things for me – to have amazing adventures, memorable cultural experiences, and have crazy stories to tell. I wanted to be a part of ministries that helped me grow closer to God, and to feel like I’m actually a better Christian than I was in America. But in the midst of these four months, as God started to strip away at who I was through seasons of discomfort, confusion, and disillusionment, God taught me the most important lesson I could have learned on this crazy trip around the World. And He did it in my final month in Southeast Asia.
In the Philippines, God taught me about purpose.
I love to-do lists. For some reason, even when I’m in seasons of rest and inactivity, I find solace in creating to-do lists in order that I feel productive and not wasteful of my time. Sometimes, these lists have simple things like “do laundry” or “go to the gym”; things I don’t necessarily need to remember to do, but make me feel more accomplished once they’ve been done. Because even in seasons where I embrace rest and a slower pace of life, I can only go so long without purpose.
The Race has taught me to reevaluate the concept of “productivity”. I’ve learned that ministry, most times, doesn’t happen out of a desire to “get things done”. Most months on the Race, I’ve had a schedule for ministry, with break times scheduled in between times of activity for rest and refreshment. These kinds of months have been more fulfilling, as I’ve never needed to go a day where I ask the question “what am I going to get done today?”.
But in most of my time in Southeast Asia, my ministry hasn’t followed a traditional 9-to-5 work structure. In Malaysia, my team went to various meetings with ministry contacts, but had long periods of time (sometimes days) with nothing scheduled. In Cambodia, we taught English for a couple hours in the morning and afternoon, but our teaching required very little prep work outside of class because we were teaching alongside the native teachers. And in the Philippines, our ministry sometimes involved us going out in the community for outreach activities, but most of the time was scheduled to spend time at our ministry site – a home for boys who have come off of the street. This kind of ministry got me really excited initially, as I was thrilled to have the opportunity to disciple these boys and build relationships. But as the month went on, I realized that “building relationships” wasn’t something I could put on my to-do list.
I talk about the struggle of constant adaption, but really, one of the biggest struggles of life on the Race is the realization that one month of ministry just isn’t “enough”. After having served in 9 countries over 8 months, I’ve realized that even a time period as long as one month doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the kind of spiritual depth that real missionaries find in their ministry. Enacting real change in the world requires a time commitment longer than a simple month. For some missionaries, it can take years until they can to get to a place where they’re able to understand and relate to the people they’re serving in an impactful way. As this realization has started to sink deeper these last four months in Asia, disillusionment has set in. “Who am I kidding?” “Are the people here just humoring me so that I feel like I’m actually making an impact on them?” “What good am I really doing here in only one month?”
I thought my rough month in Cambodia was because of the heat. But as I came into my month of ministry in the Philippines, heart-set on making a truly transformative impact, I was shocked to find myself once again falling into apathy, confusion, and homesickness. Except this time, I didn’t struggle with the heat, or with the food, or with the ministry. I struggled with purpose.
Our ministry to the boys at the Children’s Garden consisted of daily games, nightly worship and devotions, and the occasional one-on-one discussion at the 7/11 down the street. Some days, we took the boys to the pool for an afternoon swim. Another day, we took them out to see the new “Guardians of the Galaxy” at the mall. We went to church together on Sundays, did street feedings together on Friday nights, and spent a full day serving at an orphanage together. Despite all of these activities and opportunities to grow together, I still found myself restless and struggling to connect in those hours of unstructured ministry. During some of those free times, I took individual boys out for ice cream with the hopes of hearing their testimony and pouring into them with wisdom of my own. But even yet, as the first week went by, I still found myself wanting to escape to my own comforts.
I thought I would be passionate about this ministry. I thought this was the kind of ministry that I was good at – discipling and relationship building. I thought that this month, I would finally find God in the midst of my ministry. And yet, here I was, cynical that my ministry to these boys in the Philippines was really worth anything if all I was doing was eating ice cream and playing Monopoly.
Halfway through the month, our hosts sent us down south to Bicol, a small fishing village on the sea. We were there for a couple of days to help a local pastor build the foundation of his new church building, and also to enjoy some nice off-time at the beach. Throughout those couple of days, my team trekked through the jungle to explore some caves, hiked to secret waterfalls and swimming holes, and visited a gorgeous island for an afternoon. It was an amazing three days, full of the kind of wild adventure I had only dreamed I’d get to have on the World Race. But even in the midst of making crazy memories, I still felt the same tug to escape that I felt back at our ministry site. And again, the questions began rolling around my brain.
“Lord, I love the adventures I’ve had, and all the amazing blessings you’ve given me… but what’s the point?” “I came on this trip for ministry and to bring your Kingdom, so why do I feel like I’m still not doing that?” “Why do you need me to come to the other side of the world to do this ministry, when there’s plenty of Christians here that could do this too?”
“Lord, why do you still have me on this trip?”
In those weeks after leaving Cambodia, God had been giving me a lot of vision and passion for returning to New York City after the Race. But as I felt my heart coming back to life with this renewed vision and passion, I was left to wonder what God wanted to do with the remaining four months of this trip. I mean, why didn’t he just wait until I got home to give me that vision?
I asked my family and friends these questions, and most of them encouraged me with the same piece wisdom: “God has a plan for these next four months.” Well, of course I knew that. I still believed that God had a reason for me to be on this trip. I still believed that a year from now, I would understand why He did what He did. I didn’t doubt that He still wanted me on this trip. So what purpose was I missing?
The purpose to keep doing this Race. The purpose to endure. The purpose to wake up every morning and say “yes”.
I believed God had a purpose in the grand scheme of things, but what was my daily purpose that would keep me going? What did God have on my to-do list?
I spent a lot of time in Bicol sitting on the rocks, staring out at the ocean and asking God these questions. Most of them I didn’t get an answer back. And it wasn’t a surprise; I knew that what I was wrestling with was not just a simple emotional issue, but a larger, more existential struggle that I would likely be seeking answers for my whole life. Surely, there was an answer I was missing that wouldn’t come easy. And so, I spent time in prayer asking the Lord to not only give me tangible answers, but to work in my heart to guide me towards a purpose that would truly satisfy my heart. Because at the end of the day, I could come up with vague motivational slogans to get me through this Race, but I desperately needed something more than that to believe in. I needed God to bring my heart back to life.
I talked with several of the guys on my team, and I could tell they were in a similar situation. They didn’t want to quit the Race, but the passion and purpose that once led them to pursue God and give everything for the Kingdom had died. There had been a lot of talk about wanting to “finish strong”, but everyone knew that it would take a lot more than just showing up to live up to that goal.
But God didn’t fail me. And within a couple of days, He brought me the answer I was looking for.
“Purpose is about bringing glory to God in everything,” my squad leader Daniel suggested. We had been talking about this issue of finding purpose for a while by this point. “It’s about pointing everything back to God in the end.”
I didn’t like this answer at first; while I loved giving glory back to God, that typically came at the end of something, and I needed a purpose to inspire me at the beginning. But as we talked more, the pastor of the local church joined in – the one whose church we were there to help build. And he had something to say too.
“There is great purpose in you coming here to help us,” Pastor Rodel said. “We have been asking God for help withing building this church.” Our team was an answer to prayer – a Godsend. And furthermore, he suggested that perhaps our involvement in serving that church would show that community that we Christians were faithful in serving each other. That maybe it would inspire some of the people in that community to serve as well. “Helping other Christians is ministry too!” Surely, there was purpose for God had a purpose for me here in the Philippines.
I wrestled through these thoughts as that day went on. Maybe my idea of purpose isn’t what God calls purpose. Maybe I’m thinking that serving God needs to be crazy productive and infinitely fulfilling in order to be “purposeful”. Maybe I’m thinking of purpose in terms of “doing”, instead of “being”.
When Jesus was on earth, his two commandments to his servants were as follows: To love God with all your heart, soul and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. He didn’t give any more specifics than that. And in joining this trip, where my soul purpose from the beginning was to love God and to love people, why should I expect God to give me more specifics in order to keep going?
I realized that so much of my need to find purpose in my ministry was really a longing to find Jesus in my ministry. For the last couple of months, I felt like I was doing my job but never really growing closer to the Lord. Over and over, I had been lovingly reminded that my works were not earning a deeper relationship with Christ, but I still couldn’t fully embrace that concept. I realized that my purpose in doing a year of ministry was not to bring change in the world or to see people saved, but to feel fulfilled in my relationship with Christ. And whenever I did something in ministry and walked away from it not feeling any closer to God, I wondered if what I did had any impact at all.
And so I came to the conclusion I needed: I was here on this Race to bring glory to God by loving Him and loving those around me as best as I can. It wasn’t totally sinking in yet, but it was enough to keep going.
When we came back to the Children’s Garden, I determined to embrace my purpose in loving these boys. I continued to take them out for ice cream, hear their stories, and encourage them with prayer and wisdom. But still, I wondered if what I was doing was enough. Even the best conversations about Jesus with the boys didn’t leave me with a spiritual high. And as much as I loved watching movies with the boys and talking to them, I didn’t feel like I was doing real ministry unless I had a bible in front of me.
And it was in that where I realized that I had been so wrong.
I had my idea of purpose in a box. Ministry was solely the moments where I got to talk about Jesus, and relationship building really only happened when discussions got deep. But what about the other moments? What about those moments where I play Monopoly with the boys, or we watch “Nacho Libre”, or we take a walk around the neighborhood? Is it possible that my purpose wasn’t just in my ministry, but in my lifestyle?
By the end of the month, I got to know some of the boys very well. I got to know their stories, their dreams, and their favorite things. I had some amazing discussions with them, studied the Word with them, and prayed over their futures with them. I got to have some really beautiful moments with some of them, as I was able to connect some of the things God had done in my life with their own walk. But I found that those moments weren’t all that God did.
God’s purpose wasn’t just in the prayer and Bible Study. God’s purpose was in the laughter, and games, and swimming, and movies, and snacks, and basketball, and long walks in the neighborhood. God’s purpose was as much in the “sacred” as it was in the “secular”. Because so often, I viewed building relationships as a step-by-step process – crossing “7/11 meeting with boys” off my to-do list. But God wanted me to do life with these boys. And in those moments of doing life, I found a deeper connection with each of the boys than I would have had I simply only done those one-on-one meetings over ice cream. Even though something as simple as a game of Monopoly seemed insignificant, God was doing something greater than I even knew in the moment.
This month, God’s purpose for me was in simply doing life at the Children’s Garden. And the only purpose He gave me was to simply say “yes” to whatever opportunity He put in my path.
Throughout my life, I’ve struggled to believe that I’m useful to God unless I’m praying over someone or preaching or sharing my testimony. I’ve doubted God’s involvement in my “secular” life, because nothing that was happening around me looked like “ministry”. But the Kingdom of God, the Kingdom that I one day will get to come home to, is not just a place for Bible Study and corporate worship. The Kingdom of God is a Kingdom of life. Of eating and drinking and laughter and dancing and joy and celebration and love. And in walking out the rest of this Race with the purpose of bringing Kingdom, I realized that I couldn’t just try to bring Kingdom through “ministry” activities, but to bring Kingdom through living my life sold out to Christ. To live as an example of a life fulfilled, satisfied, and complete.
This month, God has shown me my simple purpose for the rest of this World Race. My simple purpose for this life. My simple purpose for Eternity.
I’ve found purpose in simply living life for the glory of God, whether that be through eating or drinking or preaching or worshiping or teaching or sleeping or simply breathing. Loving God and loving others. In everything I do, bringing great delight to my Savior, the one who gave everything just for me.
Asia was a wild four months, but I’m so glad that they happened. As much as I’ve struggled with my conditions and wrestled with my situation, I’ve found a great peace in knowing that my purpose is not in what I do, but in who I am. It’s something I will constantly struggle to believe in this life, but I know that my God is not a God who relegates Himself to the moments where I’m feeling “spiritual”. If my God is involved in every aspect of my life, then my purpose is to allow Him access.
Even if it’s just in watching “Nacho Libre”, or eating ice cream, or playing Monopoly. Lord Jesus, be welcomed in it all.
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31
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Check out photos from my team’s month in Antipolo City and Bicol, Philippines! And scroll to the bottom for video highlights from Month 8 in the Philippines!
