If you’ve been following me on social media, you’re probably wondering how my vacation is going. I’m sure you’re seeing all of the jungles and volcanoes and waterfalls and sunsets and wondering why in the world you sent me money so I could go drink Coke on the beach. Regardless, I’m sure you’re also assuming I’m having the time of my life out here. For that, you’d be right.
But the World Race is not my vacation. It’s so much more than what you see on social media.
The World Race is a journey. It’s one that has been stretching every fiber of my being. It’s one that has brought me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And I realized that’s not really all that evident through what I’ve been posting thus far.
So, I want to let you all into what’s really going on. I promised you that I would be open and honest about my struggles on the Race, because you deserve to know what’s going on. This blog is one of several “Honest Thoughts” blogs I’ll post throughout the next year, to keep you in the loop as to how I’m really doing throughout this journey.
First things first, I LOVE the World Race. These past two months have been better than I even could have hoped for. Month one in Costa Rica was a wonderful time of growing in deep community with my team, pouring into believers, and serving the small pool of people we worked with. Month two in Nicaragua has been just as wonderful in its own unique way, through getting to encourage my squad mates, and learning how to boldly share the Gospel to poor communities. God has moved mightily through my squad these past two months, and I’m beyond grateful for His faithfulness.
On the Race, God has been speaking clearer to me than I’ve ever experienced before. I always knew I heard God’s voice, but lately, I’ve been able to really discern His voice over my own. He’s given me assignments for the day, and specific things to pray for or to focus on, and even people on my squad to encourage. During ministry, He tells me things about the people I pray for, and I’ve learned to boldly speak out what God is saying. One of my favorite cases of this was just the other day, when God told me to simply tell a man at church how much He loved him, and the man just started weeping. I was kind of shocked that a simple message like that could really do that much for this man. I’ve learned since to trust that where God’s word goes, His Spirit goes too. And His Spirit has been more than evident this month!
The coolest thing to see is how much I’ve changed in the last two months. When I was living in New York City, the last thing I wanted to do was to share the Gospel with a stranger. It was a calling of God that was beyond awkward, scary, and much easier to avoid than to activate. Going into the World Race, I was honest with my team that I had a lot of fear surrounding evangelism. But now, remarkably, I go into ministry every day with a kind of boldness I’ve never had before. I see the love God has for the people I meet, and it gives me great joy to be able to share the goodness of His love with them. Now, my “yes” to the Lord is much easier to come by, because I’ve seen how rewarding it is. There are honestly some moments where I can’t believe who I’ve become; two months ago, I wouldn’t be caught dead doing this.
All in all, I can tell you that the World Race is “great”, and mean it.
But I’ll also tell you about the discomfort. About the times where I’ve wished I could be somewhere else. About the times where I wondered why I signed up for eleven months of this.
This picture above captures one of the most awe-inspiring sunsets I’ve ever seen. But what is remarkable about this picture is that when I took it, it didn’t strike awe in me. To be honest, I had spent that moment missing my beach adventures with my friends in New York. Even though this beach was far nicer, warmer, and more relaxing than the beach in New York City, my heart still couldn’t enjoy where I was. Looking at the photo now, I’m in awe of the wonders of God’s creation. But in the moment, I wanted to be elsewhere.
Staying present has been hard this month for me. Merging into month two, I got caught up in all the election drama back home (which, by the way America, be glad you at least have a democracy – Nicaragua’s president just manipulated their election and re-elected himself for his fourth term…); it became hard to keep my focus on sharing the Gospel to the poor instead of investing in commentary about how the election had gone down. My mind started to wander to thoughts about life after the Race – career plans and future goals, and where I would be once all of this is over. And especially once I started seeing pictures and posts from friends enjoying the holiday season, while I sat here sweating in 90-degree humidity, I really started to miss the comforts of the home I left behind.
Don’t get me wrong – I love where I’m at right now. I love the World Race and this crazy adventure the Lord has me on. But somedays, this doesn’t feel much like an adventure. In fact, it sometimes feels downright normal. Even though my day to day life on the Race looks totally different from my life in America, this new life has now become my routine. And in routine, adventure starts to wain. No longer are the quirks of this new culture charming and photo-worthy, because I experience these things every day. Each morning, as what was once new starts to become normal, I have to choose to keep myself present in appreciating what is in front of me, instead of looking to the next new thing ahead.
I’m also learning that ministry is… well, hard. Sure, there are days where it is extremely fulfilling and rewarding – those days spent playing with adorable children, sharing the Gospel with people who have never heard it before, and praying with people to receive Jesus. But then there’s days where no one seems to be receptive to the message, or people contest us, or translating gets hard, or the heat is unbearable. Never knowing what kind of day you’re heading into can make it hard to want to go out at all. Our ministry to the villages lasts about three to four hours a day, which seemingly isn’t that much, but this can be extremely draining after walking house to house, working past cultural barriers to communicate the Gospel in terms that best fit each person we meet. Constantly going to a new village every day takes away the comforts of familiarity – really, the only familiar aspect of our day to day here is spontaneity. And see, I need something familiar. When I’m feeling exhausted, my desire to find comfort becomes my driving force.
Wait, comfortable?? On the World Race?? Funny thing… I guess I thought that surrendering my comfort to the Lord was a one-time deal. I thought I had swapped my comfort out for a plane ticket to Costa Rica. I thought I was set to do whatever God wanted me to do simply because I signed up for this thing. But as I’m discovering now, comfort is something I desire. I still feel like I can’t live without the things that keep me comfortable, like wifi, comfy beds, hot showers, cool weather, laundry, good food, safe ministry, clean living spaces, and all the snacks I could want at my disposal. We were fortunate to have all of these things in Costa Rica, so to move into month two realizing that these things weren’t all givens was a struggle for me. And now, preparing to go into month three in Honduras, I’ve been thinking less about our ministry and more about the accommodations we’ll have for Christmas.
It’s funny that I say this, because this month’s ministry site has still been extremely comfortable. We have beds, a beautiful compound to live on, great food and amazing cooks, women who do our laundry and make our beds, and accessible wifi and (cold) showers. Our ministry has us going out in small groups with pastors and translators, and we have plenty of breaks in between to rest and recharge throughout the day. And yet, here I am, missing the comforts I left behind, wishing I could be MORE comfortable. Why? Comfort was not what I signed up for, so why do I need it?
I’m starting to believe the lie that I can coast through the World Race without ever really breaking out of my comfort zone. I’m starting to believe that I can do this on my own strength. That God has called me, and now all I have to do is walk. But I can’t. I just can’t.
I can’t do this World Race without Jesus. Sure, these first two months I’ve been able to coast mostly by my own efforts, but I’ve quickly realized that my personal well of energy to keep going dries out quickly. I’ve realized I need to be trusting in God to care for me regardless of whether or not the comforts I love are accessible to me. I’ve realized I need to die to myself every day, so Holy Spirit (not me) can do the work in ministry. I’ve realized that in order to grow spiritually, I need to also let my roots grow deeper in my relationship with my Father.
The World Race IS an adventure. The World Race IS a trip of a life time. The World Race IS exactly where I want to be.
But the World Race is also eleven months. And it’s only month two.
And so, for the next nine months, I want to soak up every blessing under heaven with thanksgiving. I want to walk into every day with assurance that God will go before me. I want to find true comfort in His faithfulness and goodness even if my external situation is less than appealing. I want to be so filled with the Spirit of God that I am moved by love and not obligation.
I don’t want this year to just go by. I want to truly live out every moment, good and bad.
My friends, I want to thank you for keeping up with my posts, blogs, e-mails, and prayer requests. It is truly my pleasure and honor to be able to share in God’s glories with you, because I know that I would not be doing this here without your support. I ask that you’d continue to keep me in my prayers, so that I can continue on in strength and perseverance to run this Race well. I love what God has done, is doing, and will continue to do, but I know that I will quickly run out of steam here if I don’t have God moving through me constantly.
All for your glory, Lord. I can’t do this without you. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.” Psalm 119:76
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