Spike Jones, in his 2013 film “Her”, tells the tragic story of a man who falls in love with a voice. This voice, coming from a futuristic OS cyber assistant (think Siri, voiced by Scarlett Johannsen), has the emotional complexity of a real human. Her name is Samantha, and throughout the movie, the film’s protagonist Theodore develops a deeply intimate connection with her voice in a way that no one around him understands. Socially awkward and alone, Theodore’s relationship with Samantha flips his life upside down, giving him confidence in himself, and causing him to believe that even if he goes unnoticed by the rest of the world, Samantha is his. He carries her everywhere by way of a small ear piece, and she becomes as much a part of his life as a real person would be. But at the end of the movie, Theodore is crushed when finds out that Samantha is also wired to have relationships with thousands of other people, and has admittedly fallen in love with many of them in the same way that she had with Theodore. The special love he thought Samantha had for him was in fact being replicated for thousands of other people around the world.
Love really is a bit of an enigma. It’s a feeling that is more than a feeling; an emotion with skin on. It catches us in strange, unsuspecting moments, and can be cultivated or broken in an instant. It’s a feeling that can waver in the storms of life. But most importantly, love is a deep personal bond that is shared on a deeper level – a spiritual level. It’s a feeling that helps us feel valued, important, and seen.
God, in His very nature, is love. And while I know this to be true, the fact that I’m going around the world sharing the good news of God’s love for us is still sometimes hard to comprehend. Like the baffling complexity of understanding the triune nature of God, there are times when I find it a bit hard to explain how God can love me with His entire heart, while also loving the rest of the world just the same.
I see myself in Theodore.
My relationship with God has changed my life. Really, it has. Years ago, when He first started to talk to me, I never knew this kind of closeness. I knew about God’s heart growing up, but when I started encountering God as a real, personal, intimate, understanding, living, breathing being, I couldn’t get enough of him. I talked to him every day, whether it was in school, in the car, at the supermarket, or even as I would lay in bed at night. There was nowhere I couldn’t go that He wouldn’t be. He knew everything about me; my secrets, my fears, my desires, and my heart. He had it all, because He gave me His heart.
I loved spending time in the secret place, because that’s exactly what it was: secret.
What I hold with the Lord is special. It’s intimate, it’s sweet, it’s tender, it’s real, and it’s mine. So, to see God doing the same things, and even more, in the lives of others around me sometimes feels like it discredits the validity of what I’m experiencing. It’s a bit discomforting, and frankly disappointing, to realize that the secret hiding place that I retreat to in God’s heart has also been frequently visited by billions of people across history. And not only that people have found this secret place, but that God actually invites them there. In MY secret place.
See, I’m selfish for God. I want to be God’s favorite. I want to know that He loves me more. Sure, I want Him to show His love to my friends and family – a nice, warm, acquaintance-ship with all of them a couple days a week; but as far as the deep stuff goes, I want to be His guy.
Even though I know I’m not God’s only son, I still want to believe He likes me more than the others.
I mean, God clearly played favorites in the Bible, right? Look at David, and Joshua, and Moses, and Paul, and Noah, and Esther, and Ruth! And heck, look at Peter, who was declared Jesus’ favorite disciple! That’s fine, God, if you want to love the rest of the world at a nice comfortable level, but I want to be more.
I want to be special.
And so, I compete for His affection. I get all my cards right, I say the right things in public, I show love to people even when I don’t really feel it, I share what God teaches me, and I occasionally post a verse on Facebook to remind people I read the Bible. I search for leadership roles to build the illusion of my authority over others because of my relationship with God. Like I’m entering into an audition, I scan the room for people who might steal the role from me, and I fix myself up to stand out as the most perfect choice for the lead.
Knowing He loves me as much as a billion other people feels like He doesn’t love me at all. It feels like winning the participation ribbon at a race so no one feels left out. It feels like my birthday party where everyone in the room has the same birthday. It feels like I’m at a party where every once in a while, Jesus comes over and says “Hey, good to see you – glad you could make it! Love you man!” before walking back to the punch bowl to chat with his other million friends.
The hardest part about experiencing this is the fact that I know it’s not true. I know that His love for me is so beyond my comprehension as a finite human being. I know that He loves me equally as much as everyone around me, and that He still calls me His favorite even despite this. I know that I’m both the prodigal son who ran away and the whiny privileged son who stayed back. I know that He wants me to travel around the globe so that the whole world knows that He loves them with His whole heart.
The other day I was listening to music on my way to ministry, and the Bethel worship song “Pieces” came up on my shuffle. Normally, I tune the lyrics out and just let the melody wash over me, but this time the lyrics of this particular song stood out to me. As Steffany Gretzinger belted out the main chorus, I felt her words slam against my heart.
“You don’t give your heart in pieces”.
And if I’m being honest, this was my response:
“Yes, You do”.
Of course, He gives His heart in pieces. He loves some people more than others, right? How could He love me with His whole heart and still have parts of His heart left over for others?
(I can’t imagine I’m the only one that feels this, right?)
But this is where the tension lies. In committing to a year of ministry, where my sole purpose is to bring people to the heart of the Father, I don’t know if I really want people to know Him like I do. I fear that their relationship with God might steal pieces of His heart that He gave to me. I fear that if anyone surpasses me, it will be as if I just forfeited.
And I can’t forfeit. His love for me is everything, so why would I want to lose that?
But here’s the deal.
God’s heart doesn’t work like human hearts. It’s not faulty, and half-hearted, and wishy-washy. It’s not divided. It’s not forced or pressured. It’s complex, and deep, and infinite, and unfathomable.
And it’s more than just meant for me.
God’s heart, like His nature, is triune.
God’s heart is individual, directional, and corporate.
When God loves individually, He loves with intentionality. He knit each and every person perfectly and purposefully in their mothers’ womb. And in this act of creation, He loves each one with the same love, and sees each person where they’re at. Like Jesus with the woman at the well, He saw her in her despair, and spent time with just her. He called Zacchaeus, a hated man in his town, out of a tree just to have dinner with him. The disciples each had their own moments alone with Jesus. He told Peter He loved him, even though He knew he would deny Him. He visited Saul on the road to Damascus to call him into salvation. He loves people with the same intimacy of Solomon’s love letters. He as a good Shepherd knows His sheep, and He calls each one by its name. He created each and every one of His children for great purposes. He loves His people with more intentionality than any earthly person who has ever existed, because He sees and hears them in everything they are.
When God loves directionally, He loves with purpose. He sees communities as vessels for His glory. He formed mighty nations and called each one to specific duties. He built a love covenant with Israel, calling them to be His people. He delivered the Israelites out of the oppressive hands of Egypt because He wanted to bless them in the Promised Land. He destroyed mighty enemies by His hand so that His people would prosper. Jesus saw the twelve apostles, and called them each to serve a greater purpose together. He used Paul to strengthen the early churches so that they would remain standing. He encouraged early Christians to serve one another in love, so that each person may see His love through the way they are cared and provided for. He sent John words to His churches in Revelations because He loved them and wanted them to stand strong. I know He loves my missions team by protecting us, providing for us, answering our prayers, and fulfilling our purposes in each country we go to.
When God loves corporately, He loves with open arms. He created the world to be beautiful, perfect, and full of His love. After the flood, He made a covenant with the earth never to destroy it again, because it broke His heart to see His creation ravaged. He listens to the prayers of all people throughout history, even those who don’t know Him. He sent Jesus Christ, His only son, to come down to earth from Heaven to die a horrible death, so that anyone who believes in Him would get to encounter His radical heart. He offers a second chance to anyone who wants it, no matter what horrible things they have done before. He sees us all in our sin, and offers to pull us out of our darkness. The very nature of God is love, and because He created us, He created us out of love. His heart is so radical for us, He created a perfect unblemished Kingdom for us to come to, so that we can forever live with Him. He loves us so deeply and so faithfully, He calls us His Bride.
The whole Bible is filled with testimonies of His love. And yet, as I’m reminded of all of this, I realize how unbalanced my perspective is in this. In my walk with God, I give too much focus to His individual love. Sure I go to church, and I worship and fellowship with other believers, but I don’t seek to know His love in these settings. I desire to know His love when I’m at home, in the secret place, where no one else can threaten what I’ve got going with God. And yet, in hoarding my relationship with God from others, He doesn’t just give me His heart in pieces. I take His heart in pieces.
See, when I seek God’s heart for me individually, I miss out on the pieces of His heart that were not meant just for me. I miss out on the love that He bestows on my family. On my church. On my Christian community. On the world I live in, and the people that live all around me.
My desire to share the Gospel is crooked when I don’t live in that reality. When I choose to only focus on the love God has for me, I miss out on the heart of God poured out for me in different ways. I don’t get to experience God’s love as I see a stranger on the street encounter God for the first time. I neglect the sweetness of His presence over my church body as we all cry out to the Lord in worship. I blind myself to the beauty of His glorious heart for His creation when I choose to keep a mirror in front of my face.
In going around the world, it’s easy to enter into situations feeling like a professional Christian. In these past few months, when my team enters into ministry assignments, I feel like I come in with a Doctorate in Theology. And yet, when I choose to stop listening to my words and instead gaze out at my brothers and sisters, I see something I’d never seen before.
I see God’s love for me in them.
Not because I’m special, or smarter, or more gifted, or more intimate with God, but because His love for me resonates throughout all of His creation. I see pieces of God’s heart raining from Heaven, filling in the holes in the puzzle. I see faces reflecting His glory, seeking His heart, and craving His presence. I see a unified Bride crying out with one voice, proclaiming the goodness of our Creator’s Heart over all of eternity.
God, you don’t give me your heart in pieces.
And for that I feel special.
“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19
