Chapter Two.
Or “The One Where Jonathan Lives in Southeast Asia”.
One week ago, I hopped on a plane headed for the other side of the world. As the plane took off from Los Angeles, I said goodbye not only to four months in Central America, but to all of the comforts of the Western World. It was time for something new.
And my, how new it all is.
Entering onto that plane, I knew this next chapter would be wildly different. Immediately greeted by the charmingly dressed stewardesses, special seat amenities, and overdose of Hello Kitty (yes, the clichés are real), I realized that I was about to undergo culture shock all over again.
And truth be told, I was not excited to go to Malaysia.
When I signed up for the Race, I had very little interest in visiting Malaysia. I was more interested in the other countries I’d be visiting in Southeast Asia – Thailand, Cambodia, and the Philippines – but didn’t pay much thought to Malaysia. That is, until the Race started, and I realized how much Month Five was going to be a game-changer. And a rough one at that.
In Malaysia, I knew I would have to accept several new changes to my World Race lifestyle:
1) A new culture, one that I was completely unfamiliar with.
2) A new language I would have no background understanding of.
3) A new religious climate more challenging and dangerous for ministry.
4) A new climate – yes, I mean weather!
5) A new team, which has the potential to be my team for the rest of the Race.
All of these changes approaching made me savor my last few moments of cool and calm in Guatemala, because I knew once I landed in Kuala Lumpur, my life would be completely different.
I feared what this new change would be like. Or how I would respond. I had grown very comfortable with the lifestyle in Central America, and the laid-back nature of ministry there. I loved being able to communicate in Spanish, and feel at ease getting around places. I loved the temperate climate, and how I never felt too uncomfortable while sleeping or being outside for ministry. I worried that once I arrived in Malaysia, God would use all of these new things to totally blast away at my foundation of comfort. I was worried that traveling to the other side of the world – and experiencing culture shock on an even greater level – would cause me to spin out of control.
And to make matters worse, my brand-new team was assigned to Unsung Heroes ministry like the month before, which meant that we would be landing in a foreign country with no connections and nowhere to go. I thought this transition into month five would be rough, but now it was about to get rougher.
I took the turbulence of the airplane voyage as a sign of the upcoming turbulence of life ahead. And with this anxiety in mind, I braced for impact as we landed in Kuala Lumpur.
But we stuck the landing. Safe and smooth.
And to my surprise, I fell head over heels for Malaysia.
When we arrived in Kuala Lumpur, I was shocked by how different it looked than I imagined. Everything is so clean, orderly, and even luxurious here! I expected to never find a mall like one in the States, but KL has a mall three times bigger than mine at home – and three times nicer! The food is unbelievably tasty, and unbelievably cheap. Here in KL, I can still get coffee at Starbucks, shop at H&M, explore an IKEA, and even enjoy an Escape Room! Our hostel was clean and air-conditioned, and the people here are so friendly! And best of all – they speak English here!!
I am consistently blown away by this country. Malaysia is considered the melting pot of Southeast Asia, because the population is only about 60% native Malay – the rest of the population comprises of migrants from Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand, China, India and even the Middle East! The country is predominately Muslim, but there are also large factions of Hindus, Buddhists, and even Christians!
I was worried about the culture shock, but it turns out Asian culture is rather familiar to me from exposure in the States! I was worried about the language barrier, but it turns out I can still communicate in English here! I was worried about the religious climate, but it turns out there are far more bold and passionate Christians here than I expected! I was worried about the weather, but it turns out most places are air conditioned, and the weather is actually easy to acclimate to! I was worried about my new team, but it turns out that two of my teammates are from my previous team, and the four new teammates are just as awesome!
They tell you not to have any expectations on the Race. And when I heard that, I took that as a subtle warning to expect the worst.
But God didn’t give me the worst. He gave me the literal opposite.
So why did I expect the worst from Him?
And this question, this shocking revelation, is where I’m starting this month.
Why do I expect the worst from my loving Father?
Right now, I’m walking out some of the things I learned from the end of last month about intimacy. One of the things that I’m currently battling with the Lord about is my desire to get close to Him through works. I’ve realized that I’ve put more emphasis on my heart for ministry than I have for my heart for Him. In that way, I’ve allowed myself to process His love for me through the things that I do for Him. When I feel most productive, I feel the most loved; however, many moments of stillness and inactivity have not produced rest but rather restlessness. I struggle to comprehend His love for me if I’m not doing anything for Him. I feel disobedient. I feel selfish. I feel lazy. So why would He want to love me? Why would He want to give me this?
I realized in processing this that I look at God the same way too. My love for Him tends to be conditional. Whenever my situation is pleasant or fruitful or blessed, I praise Him for His goodness and His good gifts; but when those things are left aside, I start to wonder where He went. I don’t look for Him like I should. I don’t love Him because I feel like He doesn’t love me.
I haven’t felt super fruitful these last few weeks. Sure, God did a lot in Belize, but I didn’t really feel like I did a lot. I didn’t feel super challenged in my ministry or my lifestyle, and I got pretty comfortable with that. I’ve had a lot of easy living situations on the Race thus far, which I know was not normal, and I’ve expected God to rip that away from me any minute. Malaysia was the month to do it.
And so, to get to Malaysia, and to be overwhelmed with blessings from God FAR BEYOND what I expected (I’ll share more details about this in a later blog…), I was thoroughly confused. “What did I do to deserve all this, Lord?” “I’m not doing anything for you right now!” “I don’t need all of this, nor did I even sign up for this!” I found it hard to understand His love for me, because I felt guilty to be so blessed by Him for seemingly no reason.
These blessings have started to become frustrating. The Race has been far easier for me than most of my squad mates, and I don’t know why. I haven’t had a tough living situation yet, I haven’t wanted to go home, I haven’t had a rough ministry assignment… So because I feel like I’ve done so little for Him so far, and endured so little hardship, why is God still favoring me right now?
But God is persistent. He’s faithful. And He doesn’t give up on the things He’s teaching me.
He’s trying to get my attention. To see that it’s not about the things I do that warrant His love. To understand that I am highly favored and unbelievably loved PURELY because I’m His son, and not just because of my ministry. To believe that He loves me even if I did nothing at all.
This concept has been hard for me to comprehend. This month, I’m trying to give Him more time during my day to spend alone with Him. However, my constant inclination is to think of things I should “do” for Him that day, instead of letting myself sit and be still with Him. I’m constantly fighting the voice that says “you’re not doing enough”, or “you’re wasting time”, or “you call this a missions trip?? You’re clearly not suffering!”.
But this month, I’m letting my priority be to know Him and to know His heart for me, apart from “doing”. And so far, He’s been teaching me so much about what it means to love Him, and to be loved by Him. Even when all I do is sit there in front of Him.
It’s frustrating to be learning this as a missionary, because I feel like this should be preliminary knowledge. Basic Christianity. Missionary 101. But it’s amazing how easy it is to be a missionary that is works-minded and not love-minded. In doing this Race, I’ve noticed how often my focus has been on getting things done for God, and not fully embracing His radical love for the people I meet. How often I focus on winning souls for the Kingdom, instead of looking to see the beauty of each individual God has His eyes on. How often I focus on what’s possible through me, and not what’s possible through God.
It’s not that I haven’t realized this pattern in my life, but I’ve been too busy to really give God time and space to work through it. But God is now asking me to pause. He doesn’t want the rest of this Race to go by without me truly living His heart in action. He’s asking me to start over, to reevaluate, and to turn my eyes back to Him.
And so, I’m letting Chapter Two be a new chapter in my relationship with Him. I’m not sure if I’m gonna make headway this time, but I pray I do. I pray this isn’t just a simple epiphany, but the beginning of a radical transformation. I pray that Chapter Two becomes Chapter One in the book of God’s love that He is writing through me.
Southeast Asia, I can’t wait to get to know you these next few months. You’re the dream I never expected to have.
Actually, you know what? Screw expectations.
My God is better than that.
“In the same way, at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. And if it is by grace, then it is no longer by works. Otherwise, grace would no longer be grace.” Romans 11:6
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