Hey Everyone,
I wrote this about a month ago. Below is the summation of the internal struggles that I was going through while making my decision to, or to not, go on The World Race. Writing this helped put my worries and fears at ease and has allowed me to continue preparing for the World Race in a more calm and relaxed manner. It’s an open and unrated look into what all was racing through my mind and how I handled the fears and worries of life leading up to my decision.
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Over the last few months, I have been debating, thinking, praying, stressing and mostly fearing over the possibility of even entertaining the possibility of joining the World Race. As a 24 year old, with two degrees and a respected business certification, no student debt, an incredible girlfriend, a terrific family and a phenomenal job you would think I have it made.
And I do.
However, something doesn’t feel right.
As someone who has in the last year or so, truly started to follow Christ, I have been taking a long hard look in the mirror every morning and evening for what seems like forever. Every morning I wonder if I’m being the best me and every evening I pray to God asking him to do something bigger than myself with my life. I prayed intensely every evening for a few months for God to, in my own words, “put me on the front lines” and to “do something crazy for Him”. A couple months ago I discovered the World Race via a Facebook ad and although I don’t ever click on ads, I felt compelled to click on it. Even then I waited weeks to look into it; I believe God answered my prayers through this single Facebook ad whose only familiarity to me was a “like” from a Facebook friend I’m not even sure I actually know.
As the interviews began, so did my excitement and interest. I fervently and relentlessly took every opportunity to speak with those who had gone on the World Race, others who had heard of it, and those who knew nothing about it. As my excitement grew, so did my fears.
Fear I would look crazy to everyone I know
Fear that I would lose all of my friends
Fear that I would somehow lose my CPA
Fear that I wouldn’t have a job to return to
Fear that something horrible would happen in the States while I’m gone
Fear that I wouldn’t raise the money
Fear that I would get halfway through and realize I had made a bad decision
Fear that if I decided not to go that it would be the most regretful decision of my life
Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear
It consumed me. Every waking second began to be crippled with fear. There was no way out. There was now fear if I went and fear if I didn’t go.. so no matter how I sliced it, I was scared. This went on for a few weeks, and the list above continued to grow and grow and grow. It seemed never ending.
What started out as an exciting decision to spread the Gospel and be led by the Holy Spirit to perform unknown work had now turned my mind into a fearful prison. My chest hurt, I stopped working out, I wasn’t hungry- all I wanted was for God to answer my prayers! “God please just tell me what you want me to do!!” I would literally cry out every night in fear and frustration.
I was essentially looking for a meteor to come (safely) crashing into my apartment next to the bed I was kneeling beside with a note that said “This is God, Jonathan do the World Race”. Even then, I might’ve rationalized that as some kind of freak coincidence. My point is, God had already answered the prayer that I had been praying for the months leading up to discovering The World Race, so what was the problem? What was the big deal? Obviously His will had been gifted to me. The problem, was fear. The fears of the world began slowly creeping into my mind, and once I realized I couldn’t take care of every single one of them, I began to feel helpless and even worse, hopeless. I wasn’t trusting God.
We’ve all read the Bible verses about God being bigger than fear, and seen cute inspirational phrases that aim to seemingly vaporize fear as people share them on Facebook, or painted on rustic signs in boutique shops- but when push came to shove I became paralyzed by it.
It took weeks to realize that I couldn’t resolve every little detail associated with my decision to go on the World Race and I realized.. that was the point. God needed me to trust him. He needed me to let my life go. To take a jump and trust that he would guide me to land safely. So I’m excited to say, that’s what I’ll be doing.
This doesn’t mean I’ll live my life with 0 fear going forward, or that I’ll return to conquer the world’s problems without so much of a second thought- I know this. What it does mean, is that I will have taken my first big step in breaking the shackles of fear that have, unknowingly, been holding me down and guiding my decisions my entire life. Luke 8:14 changed my life one morning as I was woken up at 5 am suffering from what felt like an anxiety induced heart attack about my decision. I opened my Bible for relief and came across this verse in Jesus’ parable of the four soils.
Luke 8:14 “The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature.”
I didn’t want to become the seed strangled by the worries of life, and that was the verse that I always came back to every time I was scared about what I had to lose by going on this race.
If I gain nothing more from The Race, I know I will have at least learned to trust God and know that He has things in store greater than what I have planned for myself. Everyone that has gone on The Race has told me to leave my expectations at the door- well I’m pretty much leaving my entire life at the door. I’m ready to do whatever God has in store for me during the 11 months on the Race and even more excited for how I can serve Him in the meantime and when I return. Whether I spend the rest of my life continuing my career in accounting or God leads me to other needs- this is the first step of many in being able to trust in God and know that what He needs from us may not be what we’ve always dreamed of.
I hope many of you support me financially (donate button at the top of my blog page), as $18k+ is a daunting task- but if you don’t believe in this cause or are unable to, I do ask that you pray for guidance on this trip for me to be able to do His Will selflessly and with confidence.
Please click the “Follow Me” button on the left side of my Blog Home page and subscribe to my blogs that I will be writing during and leading up to the World Race! This will help me feel connected with all of you on The Race and I hope you all leave comments, whether they’re serious or inside jokes.
Thank you all for reading and thank you in advance for your subscription!
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Adventures In Missions is a tax-exempt organization under IRS code 501(c)(3) and is a member of the ECFA. (Evangelical Council for Financial Accountability). Due to IRS and ECFA regulations governing the administration of tax deductible donations given in support of a particular trip/program, support contributions given on behalf of an individual will be used to offset the costs of the trip/program you are involved in. All contributions are non-refundable regardless of the participant’s success in completing the program.
