I hate saying this, but ever since I started this blog, being authentic and real in the hopes of informing and encouraging others is what this blog has been all about.
Apathy: a lack of feeling, emotion, interest, and concern. Apathy is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation, or passion.
This past week I’ve struggled with apathy more than I have in the last 8 months. I’d felt numb to ministry and just feeling like I didn’t want to be here anymore.
I wrote in my prior blog how due to foreigners getting involved in protests against the government, Nicaragua revoked our visa’s to enter the country. Nicaragua had been a place I was really excited to go back to as it was where I first felt called to missions. (See prior blog for more details)
That hasn’t been the only source of my struggle with apathy. While flying from Asia to Central America, we had a layover in Chicago. Being back in America and leaving the country itself again was hard, but what was more difficult was being with 2 of my squad mates while they were reunited with their siblings who come to the airport to visit. I was so happy for them, but it was really hard for me because it escalated my desire to see my sister and my cousins who have always been like siblings to me.
Since arriving in Panama the struggle with apathy continued. Along with really missing friends and family, the Club Ultimate Frisbee season was just starting up, and the summer camp season was beginning. Everything in my selfish heart wanted to be home.
Over the last 24 hours or so, I’ve experienced a heart change where I’m getting back on track and thank God for that because today, June 8th, is probably when this selfish desire to be home would be at its pinnacle. Along with today being my dads birthday, today is also Ryon’s wedding. Ryon has been one of my best friends since 4th grade and his is one of 3 weddings I have/will miss while I’m out of the country.
This selfish desire and heart to be home wouldn’t be inherently wrong because it’s all good things that I am missing except for the fact that it is directly working against truth. Remembering that truth and holding onto it is what has helped me refocus and reignite a fire to be here. My missing aspects of home fights against me being mentally present and fights against the fact that I know God has called me here.
On top of that, when I am missing these things back home their is a temptation to have a sacrificial mentality. A completely false mentality that what I am doing here is a sacrifice more than a privilege. The privilege of God using me to further his glorious kingdom is greater than anything this world has to offer.
This month we have a great, and probably once in a lifetime opportunity to serve in this community. This month we get to work with an awesome God centered couple who live here as missionaries. They work with underprivileged children in the surrounding villages. They organize youth groups, sports, vacation bible schools, prayer meetings, and church services. We get to partner with them this week in these ministries and next week we get to also help with renovating a nearby church. (For more information got to http://icjesus.worthyofpraise.org/ )
Being away from home isn’t easy. Serving here and partnering with this ministry and more so partnering with God and building His kingdom here is a huge privilege and the only reason I needed to go on this trip and it’s still the only reason I need to stay.
All of your support and love in this journey has meant so much, and though I love reading comments in the past and I look forward to them in the future, I’m going to ask you to not comment on this post. I don’t post any of my blogs to try to fish for encouragement or compliments rather I post about my experiences either celebrate what God is doing or to show my struggles to hopefully help those who are struggling as well. Above all, I want these blogs to be authentic, real and hopefully a source of encouragement.
Whatever you may be struggling with in life right now. I pray you can recognize that a relationship with Christ and working with Him to further His kingdom are the two greatest privileges. Though I was called to leave home for 11 months, it doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference and serve Him wherever He has you in life right now.
