*Sorry for the length… but after all, you did wait a year for this right?*
To start, I want to briefly apologize to those of you who were following me on my journey. I ended my last blog saying I would keep you updated on how transitioning home was going for me, and yet this is my first blog since. I was going to write a “week after” blog, then that time came and went and I was going to write a “month after” blog…then “three months after”,…then “six months”… but alas here it is “1 year later.”
But, has it really already been a whole year? Yes, it’s true, one year ago today I came home from the journey of a lifetime. Parts of me doesn’t believe it, as it seems like yesterday and yet the other parts of me feel like the world race was a lifetime ago. I do not know if you can identify with this sort of feeling, when something feels like it happened a lifetime ago and yesterday at the same time, but just trust me when I say it is a weird feeling.
I think the world race feels like yesterday in some ways because of how much the trip helped transform me. My confidence level in God, the man He made me to be, and the life I felt called to live was greater than it ever had been before. I was living life to its fullest every day and every day felt special and memorable.
I think the world race feels like a lifetime ago in some ways because I have felt confused and lost for the majority of this past year. Feeling that level of confidence is one that is hard to imagine because I haven’t felt that way in what feels like forever. Though I know at the core of my being, I haven’t lost my confidence in who God is, who I am in him, or how I am called to live, the transition has just been so much harder than I expected. We were warned it would be a challenge and I thank God for the effort Adventures in Missions put in to trying to prepare us for it, but at the end of the day, radical life transitions like this is one you do not really know how you personally will deal with it until it actually happens.
Back to the apology, I honestly can’t say for certain why I never wrote a transition update blog until now. Looking back on that time now, if I am honest I would guess it was probably due to mixed feelings of insignificance, failure, and most of all an overwhelming amount of confusion/numbness.
Transition for some comes easy and others find it difficult. I understood this. As for me, I thought I was going to be one of the lucky ones. I thought coming back home would be easy. I had family and friends to support me, I was heading up the beginning of a new youth group at my home church, I had a plan for how to keep missions a daily part of my life. But instead of the easy transition I was expecting, I got rocked. In reality and in short no amount of preparation can truly prepare you for this kind of life change. Though I was doing things I enjoyed back home, like playing ultimate frisbee again and hanging out with family and friends, something just felt off.
Recently I had the opportunity to co-speak with my pastor at church. It was a part of a series focused on encounters with Christ. He gave a long list of possible encounters to choose from, but He gave the option to pick one not on the list. The most important thing was to pick an encounter you could relate to. For some reason, Jesus redeeming Peter after he denied Him three times stuck out to me. As I worked through the lesson plan for that Sunday I realized why I felt God leading to this encounter.
On the world race we learned about how we grow more connected to God through our intimacy with God, our community of believers and our mission. Throughout our time we found ways to grow closer to God by growing in these areas. What I did not anticipate, was the struggle that would ensue when any (or in this case all) of these avenues of growth drastically change.
We see Peter’s world gets rocked in all three of these avenues the moment Christ is arrested and then crucified. Everything changed for Peter.
-His Intimacy with God: When Christ was arrested His availability of intimacy with Christ changed
-His Community of Believers: The community he spent the last 3 years with changed.
-His Mission: His mission was living a radical life day in and day out with Christ.
As a result, we see Peter resort to going back to his old habits instead of continuing to pursue and live the life Christ called him to.
Similarly, my life felt rocked in all three avenues from the moment I came home.
-My Intimacy with God: When I was on the world race I had the availability to spend intimate time with God whenever I needed. I read the whole Bible in 100 days. I do not think I’ve picked up the Bible 50 days in this past year.
-My Community of Believers: My squad quickly turned from strangers one day, to brothers and sisters the next. Only for us to be scattered upon returning home.
-My Mission: No longer was everyday directly missions.
Like Peter, I really struggled when these three things changed. I went back to some old habits to distract me, some inherently sinful and others not, but either way, they were distancing me from God. I was numbing myself instead of addressing the issue.
Fortunately, the story does not end there for Peter and it does not end here for me because, God does not let Peter stay in that place and He won’t let me stay here either.
Christ helps Peter get through the transition,
He reveals Himself to him.
John? ?21:4-8 “Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?” “No,” they answered. He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish. Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water. The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards.”
He comforts him.
John 21:9 “When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread.”
Then He redeems him.
??John? ?21:15-19? ?NIV “When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!””
The fact that Peter faltered and struggled to find his way in the time of transition did not mean his identity had ever changed. Rather he grew stronger. He became the more steadfast and bold Peter we read about in the rest of the Bible through this experience. Our trials transform us into better versions of ourselves.
This encounter with Jesus that Peter experienced is one that gives me hope. Hope that though I have felt like I’ve been stuck in a long valley over this past year, it only means that the highest peaks are yet to come. When I come out of this valley Christ will be the reason. I know Christ loves me wherever I am at, but I also know He loves me too much to let me stay here. He’s not waiting to condemn me for my faltering, but rather, He is eagerly awaiting on the other side of this valley to comfort me.
But beyond the comfort I know redemption is readily available as well. I know my trials have not changed my identity in Christ, rather they will transform me into even more of the man after God’s heart I am called to be.
Earlier I stated that those who take transition well are the lucky ones. However, even now, as I am still going through transition a year later, I consider myself lucky after all. As we can see through Peter transition and struggle is an opportunity for growth, and I know I will be a better man of God because of this.
Sorry for the length of this post, but I guess that’s what happens when I let my hearts thoughts and emotions free after a year of suppression. I want to leave you with one last thing. If you are going through a hard transition, don’t give up hope. You may feel like no one on Earth understands you, and you may be true…but God does understand. So please do not turn to numbing yourself and your relationship with God. Do not turn away from the one thing that can truly comfort you. If you have already started the numbing process, I pray you can also look to Peter’s experience or my journey and dig into Christ instead of pushing Him away.
Once again, thank you to all of you for supporting me over these last couple years. I hope you were able to grow from this experience as I have through what God has taught (and is teaching) me. If you have any questions, serious or not, about my experience please reach out I’d love to talk about it.
*For those who were so supportive to me, if you would consider now supporting my college mentor and his family. They are nearing their fundraising goal and could really use your support through prayer and if you feel led financially to reach their fundraising goal to continue to be on staff as a part of Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ) at West Chester University. John and Amanda are incredible people, doing incredible things in pursuing their calling to minister to college students. If you are interested in the following is a link to their webpage.*
https://give.cru.org/0647500
