I’ve been really seeking intimacy with the Lord lately. I’m trying to be more mindful of His presence, noticing his character in all aspects of my life. Sometimes I feel like I go through the day without giving Him proper recognition and not giving thanks for everything He does everyday. I tend to put Him in boxes of time sometimes, like praying and reading in the morning, not really talking to Him much throughout the day and then praying and reading again at night. I really want to break this cycle.
Three days ago I decided to fast so it would make me lean on His strength and put Him in the front of my thoughts all day long. I went through the day and everything was great! When my teammates went to lunch, I went back to my hostel to pray and read. It felt so good to fill my whole day with the Lord instead of just slots of time throughout the day. It’s amazing how when you are in the mindset of fasting and asking for the Lords strength, you really don’t feel hungry at all. That night I was praying and thanking God for helping me throughout the day and he told me to go another day. I immediately opened my eyes and nervously said to Him; “Another day?!” Yup, another day! Ok, great. I got this. Somewhere while in prayer, the thought of going four days also popped into my head. I wasn’t sure if that was the Lord or just my own thoughts telling me to go four days but it was there. Feeling super excited and wanting to be obedient I made the choice to go four days.
Going into day two, I was feeling confident, excited, and surprisingly not very hungry. I texted my mom that morning and told her I was fasting and going to go four days. I immediately felt a little uneasiness and conviction about saying “four days”, which I thought was really weird but I brushed it off. I kept thinking about the verse in the Gospels when Jesus was being tempted by Satan and Jesus says “It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.” This was absolutely my strength for the whole day. Any time I felt hunger or I would see someone eating and my mouth would start to water, I immediately thought of this verse and prayed. My strength comes from God, not food or anything worldly.
During the second day, my team went to a restaurant to do our Bible study so there was no getting out of this one. Everyone ordered Khao soi which is my favorite Thai food. Watching them all eat some of the best food I’ve had on the race was pretty difficult but again, Matthew 4:4 and praying for Gods strength got me through it and honestly, it wasn’t that hard. While at lunch, the team saw that I didn’t order anything and I told them how I was still fasting and going to go four days. I felt that same uneasiness and conviction I felt when I told my mom but I told them anyways.
After lunch I was thinking about how the fast was going WAY easier than I thought it would and the Lord really started speaking to me. He was telling me “See, you can do anything if you lean on me for your strength. Anything! ANYTHING! I’m going to make it so much easier than if you try and do it alone.” He also told me that my body isn’t mine to begin with, it’s His. So any hunger and uncomfortableness that I felt was worth it in the end because of how much He was going to grow me and move in my life.
That night, we had a men’s meeting with a group of guys from the church we were working with and of course they ordered a bunch of pizzas. My favorite food staring me in the face, my mouth watering but again, Matthew 4:4. At the time it was kind of hard but still, not nearly as hard as I would have thought and that’s only because of God. He took away the feelings of hunger, the want to just eat a whole pizza right then and there. After nearly 48 hours of not eating, I was definitely starting to feel a little weak, my brain felt like I couldn’t think as fast and as clearly as normal. Also, my vision started to get weird. It’s like I couldn’t focus as fast when I turned. It took just a second longer than normal. My body was starting to feel the affects of not having food but with prayer it was absolutely subdued to a minimum.
After the meeting, my friend Emily who is on another team messaged me to see how my month in Thailand has been. I told her I was doing a four day fast and as soon as I said it, I was hit with that same conviction. I brushed it off again and went to bed.
The next morning I wake up and I start praying; asking God if I should start eating today or go another two days. “Did you tell me to go four days or was that me?” He kept telling me: “I told you to go two days, you said you wanted to go four” I wrestled back and forth with Him, not taking his answer seriously because I had already told people I was going four days. I can’t change that now, it’ll look like I quit and that I couldn’t do it. I’ll look weak and like what I say doesn’t mean anything. I have a lot of determination and when I start something, I want to finish it no matter how much I dislike doing it. It’s a good characteristic but it can also be an issue of pride and God was really pointing that out to me.
God really convicted me of how my want to fast for four days was my own selfish ambition. I wanted to do it so I could tell people I went four days, thinking that would make me look cool or like I’m strong and really trying to follow the Lord. I remember I asked Him if I could do it even though He didn’t tell me to, because I already told people I was doing it for four days. He was like “Yeah, sure, but it’s going to be a lot harder because I’m not going to help you through it and there will be no fruit from it.” I could have pushed through and did it on my own, no doubt, but why? If God doesn’t want me to do it and there is no fruit from it, its not worth it. I made the choice to stop after two days. I starting thinking about how I would tell my teammates that I stopped, fearing what they might think of me. God immediately convicted me again and said “You should care more about being obedient to me than what others think.” And he’s so right! Who cares what others think? If they think I had to quit because I couldn’t do it, so what? Knowing I was being obedient is so much more important! Also, when it comes to fasting it’s about quality, not quantity. Those two days yielded so much fruit! I really can’t wait until the Lord actually asks me to fast for 4 or 5 days and I do it for all the right reasons. What an awesome time that’s going to be!
So yeah, over those two days I experienced such an awesome part of God’s character: That you can completely lean on Him. I’m so excited to continue to lean on his great strength in all areas of my life. I loved how He convicted me and showed my own selfish ambition and how unfruitful it is to think like that. My prayers for intimacy and seeing His character were answered in such powerful ways! I can’t wait until he calls me into another fast with Him and I get to do it for longer and for all the right reasons.
