God Is. I am because God Is. All my life I’ve known those two simple, yet profound, truths. If I were to die right this second I know that I would end up before the throne of the Creator of all things both visible and invisible. And, if I ONLY believed those two things, I would certainly be condemned.
I believed in God more then I believed in anything. My heroes would come and go, my interests would fade over time and even my closest friends would move on. Not God though. If anyone were to search my life for some consistent thread all they’d find is God. This belief in a Divine Creator is so fundamentally ingrained within me that as much as I’ve wanted to at times, I’ve never been able to imagine a reality without Him. This isn’t to say I’ve led a better life because of it. In fact it’s brought me more pain then I’d care to admit. It held me to a standard so impossible that I began to hate myself for not matching it. I judged myself so harshly that I began to take on the identity of, ‘failure’. I tried to love God, but I realized that I could think it as much as I wanted, but that would never make it true. Hell was made for people like me.
I wore a mask, wore it better then anyone. People around me not only admired my faith, but they began to aspire to it. I could answer all the questions, like a defense attorney I was able to effortlessly win arguments on behalf of the Faith. And like a corrupt attorney I held no stake in the fight, and cared only about whether or not I had won in the end. I understood all of the philosophical arguments, the theological inconsistencies, the scientific issues and the emotional barriers that prevented people from accepting the reality I knew to be true; there is a God, and He is the God of the Bible. On paper I seemed like the ideal servant of God. Only I knew the truth, or at least, that’s what I thought.
God wasn’t fooled by my mask. He knew who I was. He saw me for the deluded, self obsessed, narcissist I was; fallen to the point of using His message for my own personal glory. I deserved Hell, I deserved to be cast out of God’s presence forever. I knew better then anyone what I deserved. God thought differently though. He showered me with love, forgiveness for my failures, friends to love me, new heroes, interests that brought me real joy. I thanked Him through clenched teeth, knowing that I still deserved to be in Hell and to be smitten on the spot. In my foolishness I accused God of denying me happiness, because I still felt like He MADE me a failure. He had set the bar to far and, cruelly made me eternally incapable of ever reaching it. No amount of good things could ever change that. But in my search for truth I’d somehow missed the true meaning of Grace. I’d been trying to please this conceited impossible standard, thinking it would bring me closer to God. I knew my works would never bring me to him, but somehow I believed that the the recognition of others would. I was lost, hurt, and continually disappointed by my efforts to be great; all of which ended in failure. But God was already there. He had always been there. He had tried to tell me that I was enough. I didn’t need to be someone else to receive His love. I didn’t need the respect of other people, or the admiration of my peers, or live a life most people could only dream of, to make myself worthy of his Love. He had given me His love for free, and I’d simply ignored it out of some misplaced sense of pride.
Once I accepted that truth I began to heal. I’m still healing. God hasn’t left me through it all though. He’s stood by me, just as He always has. He’s helped me accept who I am. He’s taught me the pain and turmoil that go along with living a lie. Jesus died for me, for who I am, not who I could be, not who I will be, but who I am. I am proud to be the person God made me to be. Now I grow, not to reach God, but I grown through God. His promises revealed themselves fully when I accepted that they were free and God gave them out willingly to all who asked in earnest, regardless of merit. He has taught me the power of prayer and how I can use it to truly grow IN him, and bear fruit FOR him.
My name is Jonathan Hinds and this is what I know to be true.
I know that the world will never satisfy me, that it will never be enough and that it will always disappoint me when I need it most. I have lived with abusive idols and two faced friends for too long to think otherwise and the world does nothing to disprove this impression. I know that the these things crippled my self esteem and abandoned me with an impossible quest to become the kind of person that the world would admire and respect. I know that this quest, if undertaken by anyone, will lead to misery, depression and a complete loss of identity. I know this from personal experience. I know that seeking truth and claiming that truth is an ignorant concept is both moronic and done by many of our world’s brightest minds. I know that no amount of personal achievement will ever amount to any lasting happiness and will never receive enough acknowledgement to have made it worth doing. I know that believing that the world is pointless in no way changes the world, but becomes true solely for the believer of the view. I know that I will always be a question to the world and that I refuse to answer to the world and, as much as the world and I may not want it, I’m still here.
I know that God existed before the world. I know that He existed before all things visible and invisible. I know that this means that He understands the world and all the terrible things that go along with it. I know that He still loves the world despite of that, because I know that He loves me. God loved me through every painful trial I thought I’d gone through alone, but now I know He’s been with me always. I know who I am now because He loved me enough to care about who I am. I know that He loved me and this world enough to give up the One He Loved to rescue me from the world that denied me. I know that He has listened, does listen, and will listen every time I cry out to Him. I know that He loves me and showers me with His grace regardless of the deeds I do for Him. I know that my response to this should be and is an undying loyalty to Him based on gratitude and admiration. I know that He has never left me stranded in my doubts and fears, but actively seeks ways to bring me closer to Him, again, regardless of my deeds. I know that through Him is the only way to live eternally and that living eternally without Him would be Hell by any stretch of the imagination.
I know that God is my closest friend and the one who raised me to be the man I am today. I know that I owe God everything.
I will follow him always.
