Just some Father’s Day thoughts from a kid missing his Dad on this day.
Another Year, Another Tear. I find myself sitting in my sadness on this day and two others once a year. Summers, once the happiest time of the year for me one day quickly turned into three gut wrentching reminders that your not here.. June 17th – Father’s Day, yet I cant tell you how much I appreciate you as my Dad. September 23rd- Your birthday, yet I cant buy you a gift or share that beer with you I’ve always craved. July 15th – The last time I saw you, the day that haunts me, the day I wish i could erase from the calendar. These 3 days come and go with a storm of emotions I try to stuff like putting hurricane Katrina in a mason jar. They leave me with even less closure then I started with. They bring up questions I can’t answer, desires I can’t achieve, and “I Love You’s” I’ll never be able to say or hear again.
It’s in these moments of my dark thoughts where I try to tell myself something like “But Jon cheer up, you have an all loving Father in Heaven who will never leave you, and your Dad gets to be with him.” Now being a believer you would think that would cheer me up, But honestly it doesn’t. It doesn’t change my mood, it doesn’t put a smile on my face. I know it should, but it doesn’t. And its sad to say but it makes me angry at God. It makes me question him and it makes me question my beliefs. It’s what makes me want to grab His shoulders and yell “Why? Why did he have to go so soon? Why does it crush me every time I hear the word Dad, Why cant I have just one answer.” Its not fair I say over and over. And through this I found myself being pulled away from God at my young age of 11. It’s the core of what I find myself constantly fighting through to make my way back to him. It’s the stronghold the enemy has on my heart and I cant seem to loosen his grip. I know he is in heaven with God and I should be okay with that, But selfishly I want him here. I want to be able to hug him and say “Happy Fathers Day” “Happy Birthday” Mostly I want to ignore that day that crushes my heart like a ton of bricks upon its arrival.
As I sit in this little village in 100 degree heat and hear everyone around me talk about walking an hour to the closest village to get service to call and wish their Dads back home a Happy Father’s Day, I begin to get jealous. I sink in my thoughts about how badly I desire that option. How I would give anything to run to the village just to hear his voice one more time. The sad heartbreaking reality is that I can’t. I had to accept at 11. That no matter how bad I wish I didn’t have to accept it, I do.
I wish I could read a Bible verse, say a prayer, hear someone’s words of encouragement, or read a book like “through the eyes of a lion” and all of a sudden get a grip on this pain and emotions but I just can’t seem to. And even though it’s now been 12 years and you would think it would get easier the hardest truth is that its the exact opposite. When I was younger I always wanted my Dad, And now I realize I need him. We talked one day about male role models. And when it was my turn to share I had to say I’ve never had one. Although I could have probably found one in my community the truth is I didn’t want one. At least not one that I could have had. I wanted him, I needed him. He was smart, he was funny, he was adventurous and wild, he was my soccer and baseball coach, he was my camping buddy, he was my protector and caretaker, he wasn’t just my dad, He was one of my Hero’s.
So on this day I remember him, and yeah it hurts and yeah I’m sad. I lost the best role model I could have asked for. I still had so much to learn from him. But he left me with more than I thought I had received at first. He left me with memories of Love, and in those memories I have the role model that I need. So thank you pops. I may not have you next to me physically but I will forever have you in my heart. And in this situation that’s all I can ask for. I’m blessed to at least have that. Keep one cold for me up there cause soon enough we’ll be sitting around the campfire sharing stories of this wild crazy thing we call life. I’ll save all the Happy Father’s Day, and Happy Birthdays till then, And we can throw up a middle finger together to that day in the middle that made us wait so long. I miss you, I love you, Happy Fathers Day.
P.S. Tell God I forgive him, or at least I’m working on it.
