Imagine this. You are standing in the middle of a busy street. There are hundreds upon hundreds of people passing you by. They glance up at you and when they catch your eye, they stare. Curious stares. You are walking to get food or a 5 Liter of water, but all you can see are the eyes. The eyes are filled with longing, with pain, with confusion. These people don’t know why you are so different, but they know you are. These people who pass you by are empty, and their eyes are tired. Sit in this for a minute.
This is what China is like.
These people are empty. They are filled with pain. They don’t know the truth. They don’t know that there is a Father who loves them.
This is also what the US is like.
Those people are empty. They are filled with lies from the enemy. They don’t know that there is a Father who loves them.
This month has been different than Mongolia. Mongolia was filled with love, life, and light-filled people. Yes, the people in Mongolia are not perfect and I still felt the emptiness and the oppression and the eagerness for the truth. Mongolia had its own set of difficulties, but China is so different.
When I walked into China, I imagined that if I even spoke about God or the truth that He offers, that there would be Chinese officials who would arrest me and put me in jail or something. It’s not like that. I personally think that they use this as a scare tactic for Christians to be afraid of sharing their faith. It’s scary because I feel like China is similar to the US. In the states, people don’t share their faith for fear of offending people. Either that or they are more distracted by being busy living their lives.
I told a few people that I couldn’t say or text the words God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, etc. on the phone, but I feel like it was dumb. I felt a little like a spy, which is super rad, but I also felt like I wasn’t being true to my faith by doing this. There is a part in Harry Potter: The Philosopher’s Stone, where Harry is being told about Voldemort, but nobody uses his name because it’s bad luck or whatever. Eventually, Professor Dumbledore tells Harry to use his name because it shows a lack of fear. It gives fear power to not address it. It’s like sharing faith here. If I don’t use the words God, Jesus, or Holy Spirit, it gives fear of being found as a Christian power. Also, I’m not afraid of being found as a believer. That’s why we’re here. We are here to spread the gospel. I am here to make a way for Christ to make a difference, and I’ve not going to give Satan the power over my faith.
This month in China is almost over. This month I’ve learned what it means to listen to the voice of God. I’ve listened to what the Holy Spirit has been telling me, and I’ve either faced past hurts head-on, addressed wounds that haven’t healed, or I’ve been a light to people in the surrounding community. Guys, this month I have been missing my friend and teammate, Hudson. He wasn’t able to get his visa, so he stayed behind in Mongolia and just arrived in Kazakhstan, our next country. It felt like a member of our family was gone, but with him gone, I’ve realized how essential to the team he is. I also have begun to learn to love my team that is here too.
I’m about to get really freaking vulnerable here. I learned that I am so broken over the last 2 years that I gave to a guy. I gave him literally everything. I gave him power over my life. He had control over who I hung out with, what I did, where I went, whose parents we visited for the holidays. I gave him power over my looks, my body, my involvement with the Wesley, and so many other things. Anyway, I was facing that shame this month. I fell into the trap that I was only worth what he thought I was. I was broken over the fact that I didn’t have very many friends throughout this time because of the fact that I didn’t want to make him angry. I thought I was stupid for not getting out of that relationship sooner.
I faced truths too. My team poured love into me. I shared my heart. I showed them the very essence of my soul and I showed them the shame I felt. I showed them my hurting heart, and they told me that God does not view me as worthless or dirty. They pointed me toward the love and life that God is. Shame is not healthy and has no purpose except for Satan to hold something over my head.
If you are curious about my story, please feel free to reach out. I love talking about how God is teaching me new things and how He is using my story to encourage others. Also, if you feel shame about something, I would love to pray for you.
-Jo
