I am an extrovert. I love being with people. I actually find rest and energy by being around people. Back home I would love my times sitting in the corner of a Starbucks… headphones in, book and coffee in hand, observing all the caffeine enthusiasts coming and going throughout their day. I loved it. I didn’t necessarily need to talk to anybody; I just enjoyed being surrounded by people.
I also enjoy meeting new people and making new friends. If my mom’s kindliness taught me anything it’s that “nobody is a stranger”. Barista, bagger at Vons, parent of a youth student, whoever… I thrive off meeting you and getting to know who you are.
Both of these facts are qualities I have often loved about myself.
The race has a funny way of holding your “loved” qualities or strengths up to a light and exposing the hidden weakness within them.
Month 8. I have been surrounded by 50+ people all year long. I have always been a part of a team (usually 7-8 people) that I live in constant community with. By now they are pretty familiar with my quirks and behaviors. They know my story and the things I am passionate about.
Based on the statements above I should be loving life right now, right? I should be energized, rested and filled… it only makes sense.
Well, you can imagine my surprise when I entered Swaziland with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness; an aching desire to be fully known and understood.
How could I be lonely? The last thing anyone can be while on the race is lonely. It’s actually a written rule that we aren’t allowed to be alone… ever (minus bathroom needs of course). Where was this feeling coming from?
(Now lifting up “loved” qualities/strengths to the light)
I love people and love getting to know them, yes. I get along with most people and enjoy talking about love, life and the pursuit of happiness. But if I were to be honest with myself… I can see a crack in my history of friendships and relationships…
They lack depth.
I tend to keep people at arm’s length. It may not appear that way to people on the surface, but in my heart I know what I am doing. It’s a classic defense mechanism to avoid being hurt, rejected, left, you name it.
And oddly enough, in my attempt to avoid pain I am isolating myself on an emotional island of loneliness.
And of course this ugly truth is just the beginning of Psychology 101 and something that I will need to work through, but let me take it to another level.
Matthew 7 Jesus said “Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?” Then I will tell them plainly, “I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers.” (frick)
Does Jesus know me?
I’m not talking about by the things I do (clearly works wasn’t what He was referring to). But do I have depth with Jesus? SO much so that He truly KNOWS me. Am I living out a relationship of full disclosure with Him? Is my guard down? Or am I keeping Him at arm’s length too?
This revelation stopped me in my tracks about 5 days ago and it’s been heavy on my heart and mind ever since.
Am I known by Jesus?
Hmmmm.
~Jolene
