All squad month was a hard month for a lot of us. Fighting for time with the Lord proved very difficult, and for me it ended in surrendering that fight all together. Because of that, last month was especially hard.
Last month I just felt thirsty. I needed more of God, but I wasn’t getting it. All my efforts for more of him felt fruitless and stupid so I basically gave up and decided to sit in frustration and pity. This was not what I expected to encounter on month 1 of the Race.
Around the end of the month, I was able to walk through some of these frustrations with my squad leader, James. We did some inner healing and prayer along with my teammate, Christian, to get to the root of my frustration. There we found one major agreement. You have to make this happen on your own. If you want anything good, if you want a good Race experience and a life with God, you will have to make it happen.
Hearing those words aloud was painful. It hit a tender and unhealed part of my heart, and it brought up memories I thought I had already dealt with. But it was showing me the layers in my heart that still needed healing.
As I walked through the healing process, James asked me the truth the Lord was actually saying to me. I heard, ask and trust.
Ask and trust.
The Lord wants to bless us. He has everything to bless us with, but when we become so independent that we think we have to make life happen on our own we don’t ask him for anything. “Your story is too small if you have to make everything happen.” I was living in a small story. I wasn’t trusting that he also wants to bless and lead me into his large story.
Now, on the other side of that broken agreement in my life, I am asking him for more of him. I am realizing that from him comes everything else I want; love, joy, beauty, and life. All those areas in my life that I want to grow, the desire to figure out my calling; all of this will come from him and him alone.
So now, as I sit in the common room of our Haiti home, I know my vision for this month: more of him at whatever cost. I will seek him with all of my heart, and I will trust that he will provide everything else. He is good, and he wants bless us.
