It is difficult for me to write this blog. During my time in Kenya, I can properly say the Lord convicted me in a lot of ways specifically with how I interact with people back at my home church. If you are reading this from my church back home, I want to take this blog to deeply apologize for my selfishness and unwillingness to invest in each person as much as I know I could have.
The first week of our ministry in Kenya, we held a Pastors conference at our Host’s compound about how to lead a purpose driven church. During this conference, different speakers got up and gave sessions talking about how to make sure your church is driven and cares about the right things. One of the sessions was about showing genuine interest in your church members. Now, to begin with, I will say a lot of my conviction from this started out as a hurt and pain from the way I felt treated at my home church. My church is great and I believe God used individuals in that church in extraordinary ways to help my family as well as others through difficult times. I would not be the person I am today nor have my love for missions were it not for the influence of my church. That being said, churches aren’t perfect and I could say that I was honestly harboring a little bit of resentment and pain in my heart because of my relationship with my church.
First off, I never truly felt like I belonged in this church. I have gone to this church for 12 years and even since middle school, I never felt like the leaders or my fellow peers ever went through the trouble of getting to know me. My family went through a hard time a few years ago with my mom being hospitalized for almost a year for leukemia and I don’t really feel like people in the church really were there for me during that time. I honestly have felt neglected and ignored for a lot of the time I spent at my church.
As I sat through these sessions, I just heard a list of thing after thing that my church wasn’t doing for me until the end of the session when I realized that I was the guiltiest party of them all. I wanted the church to be this bedrock of comfortability and safety, and I wanted the church to care about me, but I wasn’t being the church to the people God had put in my path. I wanted people to intentionally seek out a relationship with me, yet I never sought an intentional relationship with anyone in my church. I wanted my leaders to be intentional about pouring their wisdom and leadership into me, but I wasn’t intentional about seeking for that mentorship or intentional about applying what I did know into discipling a younger generation.
So therefore, I want to conclude this blog with an apology to my church back home and a resolution to make a difference when I come back. I am truly sorry I didn’t pour into you as much as I hoped to be poured into. I am sorry I did not love with the level of intentionality I wanted someone to love me with. I am sorry for expecting you to do something I wasn’t willing to do myself. I resolve to do everything in my power be the change I want to see in my church and to love unconditionally even when I feel hurt.
That being said, I am extremely excited to come back and share what God what God has done in my life this past year as well as hear what God has done back in my church this year.
