"I don't want to do this."
These were the words I said to my squad leader during a worship session on the second night of training camp. It really started on day one when I had this seed planted in my mind that I wanted to leave. And Satan ran with it. He would throw lies into my head and I was losing the battle, I started to believe that I didn’t want to go and that Jesus wasn’t enough for me. He wasn’t enough to satisfy me and he wasn’t enough for me to trust in. I started to convince myself that I wanted to be back at home with my family and find a job there and be in my own bed, not in my wet tent. I believed that I could walk away and that I would be okay not living in obedience to God. My heart and my mind were torn. I knew that God had called me to this, I knew that he had continued to confirm that over and over since I applied. I knew that he was calling me to obedience and surrender, but all I wanted to do was leave.
In that moment during worship when I could not handle those thoughts anymore I just broke down, you know..the kind of breaking down where you can’t control it and you are at the peak of looking unattractive…that’s the kind I am talking about. I sat down and felt like it was a thousand degrees in the room and my face was burning and red. I was clasping my hands together so tight and just bawling. Bawling, snot everywhere (mhmm you know), my sleeves were wet with tears and I couldn’t stop. And I was so angry with the Lord, I was angry that this was the only way to obey him. I had no other option of obedience, it was either follow his plan to go on the race or walk away. My squad leader came and sat next to me and I could barely talk, I just said “I don’t want to do this” and didn’t get much else out. She continued to sit with me and let me cry and prayed over me. Still, the next couple days I was completely indifferent and I was just going through the motions at this point and half heartedly praying for a change.
Then God did something that changed everything. It was around the fourth day and we were taught about how God is a God who still speaks to his people and how he desires for us to prophesy for the encouragement of others (it was in a lot more detail than that). So after the teaching we were given the opportunity to practice it. We paired up with someone on our squad that we hadn’t really been able to talk with much and just sat and prayed, asking God to give us a word for that person. So I am sitting there praying with my partner, not getting a word or vision and I was very distracted. I was starting to doubt, thinking that God would give a word to everyone else, but not to me. But then my partner starts to talk. She tells me that God gave her the word second guessing and immediately my stomach drops and my eyes start to fill with tears and I am sitting there amazed. She continues to say that I don’t need to second guess being here, I don’t need to second guess being on this squad and I need to be confident in being on the race and confident with my squad because they will become my family. She tells me that God has big plans for me and I do not need to second guess anymore.
We both just sat there blown away. I didn’t know what to say! God had just spoken directly through her to me, he knew I needed to hear those words and he knew I needed to hear those words from HIM. My Father, my Lord cares enough about me and he knows what I need and he delights in giving it to me. Everything changed in that moment. I stopped second guessing, not because I was fighting against it but because I didn’t even think about second guessing anymore. God changed my heart, I did nothing to deserve that. I did nothing to earn that and I could not have accomplished that on my own, but he was gracious to me and accomplished it for me because I am his daughter and he loves me. He delights in fighting for me and showing me what he can do. I started to see my squad as my family, I enjoyed time and I started to love them, like really truly love them. It was incredible. God put joy in my heart and I trusted him deeply.
I left training camp excited about where he has us going. I am excited about who he has me going with. I am excited about the people we are going to. I am excited about everything because I know he is always faithful and I know he is always good. I know he will show up and I know he will act. He is ready to be everything we need because he is all sufficient, always. He is ready for us to step into his plans and say, “Yes, God!” with hearts full of fire for him, casting out all doubt and insecurity in the name of Jesus. God is good, he is always at work, and he is completely worthy of all of our praise.
