I bought a song today called “Faith” by Jonathan David Helser. It is a short song but in it he says “You want healing even more than me” and it struck me. Those are simple but incredible lyrics that hold a heavy meaning to them, especially for me.
One of the reasons I came on the race was because I wanted to receive healing and get to the point of feeling like I had arrived at redemption from things in my past. I hadn’t and maybe still haven’t completely wrapped my mind around the fact that I have already been redeemed by the blood of Christ and that my lack of feeling redeemed has no weight when compared to the truth and reality that at the cross my redemption was earned. Despite this, I still struggle. During much of the race this idea of wanting healing has not occupied my thinking for a couple of reasons. The beginning of the race was really difficult for me and was caught up in my state of miserable being and wondering where the heck the Lord was, then the middle of the race was just too amazing to want to bring anything into the light. But now, now is a different time. I honestly feel like am at a really good place with the race and what I want in the last 3 months personally and with the people on my team and with ministry, I do not want to go home. I am content with where I am, with my circumstances physically, but now I am discontent with my state of mind. For the past couple weeks I have felt that when the time came for me to really delve in to what I needed and how to get there, I was completely abandoned by God. I have felt like he has left me to take on a battle against Satan by myself. That whenever I have taken a step forward, I get a blow to the face and knocked into the ground.
Then my trajectory started to change. I don’t know how, but in spite of the fact that I have no idea what the Lord is doing, I have this great love in my heart for him. I see him as a Father who cares and I love him even though this is hard. Then I heard that song and those words, “you want healing even more than me” spurred my heart on even more to feel a tenderness towards my God who I had been angry with because of the lack of healing he has provided. The truth is just that though, God wants my healing even more than I want it. He sees the end of when I will experience healing and he is so excited about when I am going to walk in that. He cannot wait to celebrate with me and to see the joy I have in him and the praise that his name will receive when I take hold of the healing and the freedom he has won for me. And this is true for every single person no matter what you need healing from. You may feel like you are in a pit and crawling on the ground wondering when you will be able to stand confidently in the freedom that Christ brings the children of God, but no matter how badly you want healing, the God who loves you and who looks on you with the utmost delight wants your healing more than you do. He is fighting for you to win and He is at the edge of his seat just waiting for that moment to come because he knows how sweet it will be. He cannot wait to rejoice with his sons and daughters.
Hope is here, praise is building, and healing is coming.
