I remember one time, before being saved, when I was commenting about the lack of support from anyone on my own share of a Facebook post (Tom Brady’s post in his own defense during the Deflategate scandal), a UK rap artist who I am a follower of on Facebook’s post came across my news feed, and it said something to the effect of “no one supports a fraud.”
Call me crazy, but I have a feeling sometimes that some things are addressed towards me, like when I shared Richard Sherman’s post about being a San Francisco 49er and implied that he is a traitor and a narcissist, the latter of which it actually says on this website (full name at birth, birthday) that I came across in my research that I like to do in my spare time. Soon thereafter, he posted a picture of him dancing in front of a mirror, saying that “all he does is win” and that I can win, too. To me the fact that people seem to consistently listen to what I have to say from afar is evidence that they find it valuable.
But I digress. What the rapper said kind of hurt my feelings, and I didn’t know what he meant by it. You would think that if someone was a fraud, that they would know what that meant and entailed. But it had been this way for a while: me essentially talking to myself with no input from anyone else, much less in any substantial way in real life, with a few exceptions.
Is Tom Brady guilty of what he was accused? I wasn’t there, so I don’t know, but after getting removed from class under false allegations that I slammed a kid’s finger in the door because I apparently said the wrong thing to people in power, my skepticism of official accounts grew even larger, if that were possible. To think, I thought, that if I hadn’t taken to Facebook and told the truth about what was going on, the only other source for people to hear would be the trustworthy school/district and the official narrative. What I do know, however, is that I have hated him, specifically in the run-up to Super Bowl XLII.
Why? Maybe it was because they were winning a lot, 18-0 to be exact, and I was not in my life. Or maybe because he appears to be drunk with acclaim in this video. Ironically, when I was at LA Fitness recently on the treadmill, they were replaying an AFC title game with him in it that I can’t exactly recall (when there are so many possibilities, that is probably a sign of greatness). With a defensive lineman running full speed ahead, appearing like it was too late to get off the throw necessary to reach the receiver in question, he got it there and in the necessary spot. While the announcers were still discussing the catch, I said, “beautiful throw.” “Yeah, and that’s just a beautiful throw,” the announcer said.
Was he cheating then? Probably not. Was he married to supermodel Gisele Bündchen? Absolutely. I found it amusing when perusing one of my books and locating Brady’s day in it, possibly settling the issue once and for all:
But true or not, I took it to heart. There’s something wrong with me, and that’s why I’m not getting support from people. Imagine my delight, then, when I come across a statement from the highest possible authority that He is personally sending me on a mission overseas to do His work. No one can argue with that, and certainly not Christians who never question Him. People close to me who are believers are as sure of a lock to endorse my journey as you can get. Right?
Wrong. Although I can’t be sure of this, I’m almost positive that someone I know had been informed by the information I posted (that feeling), and still sent me a message telling me of something I could apply for. Wait, what? Did they hear what I said in my testimony, that it is a sure thing that this is what I’m doing? Either I’m mistaken and they didn’t know yet, they don’t believe what I’m saying, or something else is at work. But the lack of substance so far after mailing out my support letter during a time in which I’m seeking encouragement seems to suggest the latter.
When I was informed that I needed to undergo spiritual counseling starting now and up until launch, I reached out to a man at the church and informed him that it would have to be every two weeks. He replied by e-mail that he could only commit to once a month and if that disqualifies him, then he understood. I talked with the people at AIM, and they determined that this was OK on other conditions, such as Sunday School every week, which I already do. Once I confirmed to him that it was OK, I awaited a response for a generous amount of time and did not receive it. Thinking that I had been insensitive, I approached him after church this past Sunday and said that I would be glad to pay him for these meetings, which he declined and said to put into the collection plate. He said he would call me later this week to schedule, but so far has not. Although I have not ruled out the possibility, this general response from what I assume to be a brotherhood of Christ that looks out for each other has not been the case so far, as with everything in life. Your closest, longest friendships can easily evaporate into smoke. Your marriage is supposedly just as likely to fail as Christians (50 percent) than in the world, those once “in love” in sickness and in health until death parted them no longer speaking or wanting to be in the same room with each other (according to the authoritative YouTube video I saw recently).
I was equally offended when my Sunday School teacher said in passing that someone had abused the class previously and he “wanted to make sure that I wasn’t one of those guys,” although he “didn’t think I was.” No, just like I’ve told everybody else, I’ve been classically saved, associated with this church, and although I may be still on the milk, I know all the major points and have been speed-reading recently, knowing I have to spiritually prepare for the trip and for what I believe to be my ultimate calling, teaching it with my writing. Despite this offense, this last Sunday was overwhelming in their proposed support of my journey, apparently hearing and taking to heart what hasn’t always been the truth, but certainly has for a while and definitely ever since I received the Spirit. Having not even gotten to know him yet, one of the members offered me a cash donation, which I in turn deposited. This means a lot to me, as after excitedly announcing what He’s called me to do, have been heartbroken, as I told them. I’d like to think of myself as a generous-to-a-fault person, like the previously cited Aaron Russo in my About section, who gets into binds because of it and always takes care of others when I have it. This is true to anyone who shows it to me, even if we have differences; I’m aware of the help of which they’ve provided in my life.
While I was reading Mark yesterday, I came across one of the things that always seems to stand in the way in my mind of being able to teach it effectively or answer questions from people that I myself have.
To me, it is understood that Jesus is omniscient. He heals people from afar (John 4:46-54), knows Judas will betray Him (Matthew 26:23-25), knows Peter will deny him three times before the rooster crows (Matthew 26:31-35), knows how He’s going to be crucified and raised (Mark 8:31-38), knows all about the woman at the well (John 4:16-18), the list goes on. So how could He “realize” anything, already aware of everything that is happening and going to happen? He never needs to gather information (Mark 8:5) or speculate on the outcome of anything (Luke 22:42), but He does. It is just like when I was studying with my believer “friend” who I went to school with, happening to be reunited, and we discussed when God says “I regret making Saul king.” How could He regret anything based on an outcome that He already knew was going to happen, being able to see it and not do it beforehand? While we started out studying The Bible together, he eventually did things like walk by the outside table that I’m already sitting down at at the bookstore and say “let’s go inside,” walking straight past and never considering where I already am or my input. Once again, at church, while already sitting down, he came over and made a statement about us sitting somewhere else and simply went over there. I felt bullied, like I often do from non-believers, with still no answers to the questions I raised.
With these questions, I am not trying to undermine the authority of The Bible or prove it not to be true. However, when I come across them, I seek clarification and almost never find clear answers to them, finding different interpretive answers. He knew who touched Him, He just didn’t say so and was doing this or that. This account does not say that, though, and doesn’t provide a statement saying such a thing. Another question I have is the question of who created God, which one website I once read seriously answered with the first verse of Genesis. I know that God created the universe and everything in it, but I mean, how did God come about to be who He is in the first place? During one of our sermons, I became angered when the pastor seemed to imply that only children ask something such as this, only to breathe a sigh of relief later when he said he himself could not answer it.
I have also become upset that he has said that there is no other source to draw from than The Bible. While some Christians might question me drawing from a book such as that pictured above with Brady, I have found it to be uncannily accurate just based on what day someone is born. I also believe that God has referenced what it says about the size of my heart, something that was said in my admissions call by the woman interviewing me as well. If I was asked to relinquish all of them outside of The Bible, I would not, even though I cannot anyway, as I also find them valuable on what it says about me specifically. I learned from a non-Christian source that all people who are born on a day that reduces to 3 in number are physically attractive, such as Brady, and that’s how it can say that in that book. What does that mean? I don’t know. But I appreciate facts wherever I can find them and accept whatever is true. It also says that I am adventurous and compassionate, so here I am at Adventures in Missions, launching to help others.
So, for now, I am going to keep running several miles every day and reading the rest of The Bible in preparation for the trip that I know with certainty is “Heaven sent,” as another message like this said that popped up while I was talking to the person who told me I was accepted. I am fully confident that even if I do not receive any support from anyone I know, I will be going, not because of my abilities, but because of His promises that have already consistently proven to be perfect. Once I find something like that, in contrast to this world, I will never let it go.
