On January 20, 2020 I had my first taste of alcohol. This is the story of how at 27 years old I decided to make this decision.
For as long as I can remember I’ve had an aversion to alcohol. My parents didn’t drink so I wasn’t really exposed to it until my brother started drinking in high school. That didn’t lead to anything good and I knew I didn’t want any part of that lifestyle.
I have struggled with perfectionism and a part of it has manifested in this area, where I claimed I wanted to be on my death bed and be able to say I’d never had any alcohol. I was committed to it. Through high school, college, and afterwards, I was the girl that didn’t drink. People knew that; it was part of my identity, and I loved that. I loved it when people said they respected my decision – it gave me a sense of pride.
I didn’t understand why people drank except to get drunk, which I knew wasn’t godly. I always made the argument that it killed brain cells, and who would want to be under the influence of something and not have control of themselves? It didn’t sound appealing in the slightest and I didn’t understand the draw. Knowing that getting drunk was a sin kind of got blown out of proportion into thinking that all drinking is ungodly, which isn’t true. There’s multiple examples of responsible drinking in the Bible, like during the Last Supper, which transformed into what we know as communion today. It signifies breaking bread that represents Jesus’ body being broken for us, and drinking wine, which represents His blood that was poured out for us. We partake in communion in remembrance of Him and what He’s done for us.
We are partnering with a church this month, and the first Sunday during church, communion was offered. At home, I have no hesitations about taking it because I know it’s going to be grape juice. Since being overseas, we’ve been fortunate to visit churches and take communion a number of times in various countries. Each time as I took the little cup I was filled with anxiety, not knowing what was common or normal in these parts of the world, thinking, “Is this juice, or is this wine?” I would usually ask John to smell it to give me an answer, and so far, it’s been grape juice…until now. As I was about to drink the cup John stopped me and said, “This smells like real wine” and as everyone else partook, I froze. I couldn’t believe what almost happened. After the service I told him how thankful I was that he stopped us and didn’t allow me to drink what I thought was juice. I would have been devastated if I had drank it without realizing.
There were two services of church and my mind was racing the whole second service about what had happened. It was stressing me out. When communion was about to begin I left the room and hid upstairs hoping to avoid the awkwardness of not wanting to accept the cup, or take it and just hold it and not know what to do with it. To my surprise, quite a few people were hanging out upstairs and they brought the communion tray up for everyone up there and I politely rejected, still freaking out. I told John that I was trying to avoid this and explained how it was all I was thinking about during the service.
A few days later I talked with my teammate, Dylan, about what happened and everything I’ve mentioned above about my past. I knew he didn’t drink, so I hoped he would understand my struggle, and that he did…kind of. He asked me a lot of good questions about how I view myself and where I find my identity. One question that really stood out to me was, “Is this something that you’ve forced upon yourself that isn’t from God?” It got me thinking, is who I’m claiming to be in all this really from God? That rocked my world; I’d never thought of it that way before. My mind was filled with so many thoughts that took a while to filter through and process.
Here are some realizations I made:
-I’ve made not drinking such a part of me, part of my identity, for so long that I thought if I did decide to drink I wouldn’t know who I am, but that’s not true! I do know who I am, I’m a daughter of the Most High King! And NOTHING will ever change that. Praise God!
-This is an identity that I’ve forced on myself, it’s not something from the Lord, it’s not what He wants for me. He wants me to live in freedom from the bondage that this put me in!
-I’ve set myself apart for so long and for what? Out of fear of being like everyone else?
-I’ve been curious about it, but since I made that commitment to never drink, I never really thought twice. Now if I don’t like alcohol or choose not to drink it, I can make that choice out of free will, not because I’m a slave to my false identity!
-I’ve excluded myself from things (wine tasting, etc) because that’s just what I’ve always done, and that’s a silly reason to keep doing it.
-Tasting wine for the first time during communion would be really special because it would be between me and the Lord, and I don’t think there’s any more perfect way to do it.
-I have freedom from the anxiety of “is this real wine or grape juice?” and holding onto this title so tightly.
The next two Sundays at church there was no communion, but I decided that it was something that I still wanted to do. With the following Monday being 1/20/2020 I thought that’d be a fun and easy date to remember so John and I bought a bottle of wine and had our own communion at home. I was so full of emotion while praying and preparing to take it; this was a big moment for me. It was something truly special that I will never forget. John was so proud of the attitude shift that he saw in me.
I’m happy to say I have a completely new attitude and mindset and it’s so refreshing. I didn’t like the taste of it, but I promised John that I wouldn’t judge all alcohol based off of my first experience haha. I look forward to the new opportunities that I’m going to be able to be a part of because I’m not putting this restriction on myself anymore!
Although I thought I would lose my identity if I ever drank, through all of this I actually realized that having that title on me was stopping me from living in my TRUE identity, which is in the Lord. I am so grateful to have a loving Father that wants nothing more than for me to know that I am fully known and loved by Him, and nothing else matters. <3
In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I now surrender
You are breaking new ground
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand
Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus bring new wine out of me
Where there is new wine
There is new power
There is new freedom
The Kingdom is here
I lay down my old flames
To carry Your new fire today
New Wine by Hillsong
With love,
Victoria
