WARNING: sensitive topic
When I wrote and posted the New Wine blog, that was the most publicly vulnerable I’d ever been…until now. About a year ago, I had an experience that changed my life and this is the story.
I’m going to be honest, I don’t want to share this story. Nothing in me wants to put this out in the world for people to read, but I truly feel that God is asking me to, to complete His healing process for me, and potentially start a healing process for others. So here goes…
This experience happened at World Race training camp (TC) in Georgia last June, and I’ve labelled it the “training camp incident.” One night (I don’t exactly remember when, but I think it was towards the middle/end of TC) John and I got into a really big fight. To provide some background, the TC grounds had a road that passed all our campsites and the main building. Where that road dead ended into a main road was our boundary; we were told not to go past that to stay on the property.
John and I were arguing in a field near the boundary. There was yelling, there were tears and it culminated in me saying “I feel like trash” to which John’s response was “You brought that upon yourself.” When he said those words something inside me broke. I didn’t know what to do, so, full of tears I turned around and just started walking. John followed me for a little and then kept his distance. I was walking towards the end of the road, towards the boundary we were told not to pass. I didn’t feel like I had control of myself, I didn’t know what I was doing. I got to the intersection and stopped. One more step and I’d be standing in the main road. I stood there. With my heart broken and my mind racing I thought, “Just one more step and I could be in the middle of the road. Just one more step and a car could come flying by and hit me. Just one more step and I could end it all.”
Now, to be clear, I had never had any thoughts about taking my life or putting myself into a situation that could before. But there I was, enveloped in this new experience feeling so unlike myself so vividly picturing myself getting hit by a car just a few feet from where I was standing. I didn’t necessarily WANT to do it, but I knew I COULD do it, and all of a sudden that realization came to my mind and I came to my senses and freaked out. I turned around sobbing, walking back towards John (who had realized what was happening and trusted God to protect me) and just fell on the ground trembling, terrified of what could have happened. I went from hating him to only wanting to be safe in his arms.
John brought my to my feet and held me. I kept panicking and saying what if I took one more step? What if I hadn’t come to my senses? What if??? Shortly after, a car came flying by and all I could picture was me standing out there, getting hit which became way too real. I heard it coming and I covered my ears almost screaming in fear thinking that could have been me, that could have just happened; it was debilitating. No cars had driven by while I was actually standing at the end of the road (I believe by the sheer grace of God). John supported me and kept telling me that THIS is what is, I don’t need to think about what IF because nothing happened; I’m safe and THIS is reality, not what could have happened. I couldn’t shake it though, I was scared of myself and what I had come to. I was drowning in shame and fear, almost disgusted with myself thinking, “How did I get to that place?”.
Another car came by and I tried to cover my ears but John stopped me and told me I couldn’t crumble in fear; that I was going to have to walk back out to the end of the road and recognize that it didn’t have any power over me. I said no. I couldn’t do it. Just looking at the road freaked me out. After a few minutes of coaxing and calming down I finally agreed. He held me as we walked and we stopped in the exact same spot I was standing just a few minutes prior. I was overwhelmed with fear and wanted to turn around and run away but John held me there. He had me speak truth over the situation, and accept the reality of what DID happen. I tried to rewrite the memory telling myself “I’m just looking at this house across the road, that’s all. Looking at the ivy covering it, just looking at the house, that’s all I’m doing.” Not surprisingly, that didn’t work; but more on that later.
I don’t exactly remember what happened from there, but I’m guessing we went back to camp. We fell asleep by the grace of God because I definitely did not think I’d have enough peace to be able to sleep. The next morning I felt okay, it didn’t really feel like what I had experienced was real, it felt more like a bad dream. But I wanted it gone from my memory. I prayed and prayed that it would not haunt me and that I’d be able to forget it ever happened. I didn’t want to accept that it would forever be a part of my story.
John and I shared with our squad mentor what happened, but other than that I didn’t think I could tell anyone; not my new squad mates and definitely not my family and friends back home. I ended up sharing with my first team at Launch (in August right before we departed). Before sharing my heart was racing and I knew I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Through the tears I felt some relief to be able to get it out in the open, but that feeling would not last very long.
Over the course of the Race, the training camp incident came to memory multiple times. I was fortunate to be around John during most of them and he was able to calm me down because I felt so scared and ashamed; fear had such a hold on me. I ended up sharing with each of the 3 teams I was on and they all prayed for me, that I would not feel any shame and that I wouldn’t let that experience define me. I clung to those prayers and wished with all of my heart that I’d magically be healed, but it didn’t work like that. How long was I going to suffer with these toxic thoughts about my past?
I tried to accept that it would be used for good, as the Lord promises. As much as I hated it, I had to believe it; nothing else had worked. After returning home I finally opened up to my mom. I was terrified. I couldn’t imagine what her reaction would be (disappointment, shock, fear) and I didn’t want to find out, but the memory haunted me for multiple days in a row and I knew I had to do something about it. I had to recruit John’s help to get the conversation started because I didn’t know what to say. Right before I told her, the song “I Am Loved” by Mack Brock played on her iPad with the lyrics:
“There is no disappointment in Your eyes, there is no shame there is only pride, I am loved, Father I’m loved by You”
With tears welling up in my eyes I knew that it was time. I felt everything was going to be okay knowing God doesn’t see disappointment or shame when He looks at me, only pride; I could feel my mom would react the same, and she did.
Instead of again asking for the memory to be erased, I asked God to rewrite that memory, and make it one of joy and victory instead of shame and suffering. AND HE DID! There was a complete shift the next time it came to mind; I wasn’t filled with fear, but I could picture myself standing on the end of the road enveloped in His bright and glowing Presence with my arms stretched to the sky claiming the victory that had been won that night! Thank You Jesus for keeping me safe! Thank You for everyone who had been praying protection over us as we went on the Race. I transitioned from saying “Why did this have to happen God? Please take it away!” to “Thank You for saving me!” and let me tell you, there’s no freedom like the freedom from Jesus.
I am so happy to say that the training camp incident doesn’t haunt me anymore. But I know I’m not done sharing it. Although feelings of fear still come (because the enemy is still trying drag me down), I can confidently replace those feelings with joy and victory because of my loving Savior.
Shame thrives in the dark, where it’s kept secret, hidden from the rest of the world. But shame can’t survive when things are brought out into the open; the enemy has no power in the light! I want to encourage anyone reading this…as hard as it may be, bring things into the light. Things that you are holding onto, things that bring shame and regret…your past does not define you. I hope that sharing my story will give you the courage to share yours. There’s so much power in sharing your story! If you don’t know who to share it with I’m more than happy to listen 🙂 To take it a step further, I invite you to surrender your fear and shame to Jesus; ask for freedom and healing and He WILL give it to you!
“So if the Son [Jesus] sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36
Be blessed my friends,
Victoria <3
